am i in hocd or denial...it's making me mad...

[kiory]

hello i'm 19 years old and one day me and my girl listened to queen and she learned his history and told me that she would be affraid that i leave her for a guy and since that day i kept i my head the though about leaving her for a man, but the thing is i have loved womens my whole lives and never though about my sexuality because for me heterosexuality i took it for granted, i know some friend's who are gay but it never bothered me because i have respect for them and i knew  that it wasn't my stuff, but now those thoughs are in my head and i can't get them away and it 's making me mad, depressed and feeling like suicidal, i know that i am straight but my mind tells me that i am gay and show's me images of me doing thing's i would never do because i know who i am, it has become a living nightmares thinking about those thoughts who comes back, i tried porn to see if i still straight ( no gay porn, it's just...TO MUCH !!! ), it help me for a while but then th though and urges comes back worse and it makes me doubt if i'm in denial or not..only time it goes away for a time is when i'm with my girfriend and at those moments i feel at peace. I have never been attracted to guys but know i feel fear,weak when i see a picture of a half naked man or watches my back all time to see if a man is behind because i'm unconfortable to have a man behind me, give's me the creep...i just whant to finish my self, those thought come back stronger and i Don't know how to get theme away for good… and because of those thoughs, images and urges i can't ave my head fully in work...Always analysing my thoughs but i end often been depressed or really angry !...i though for a while am i gay or bi but it feels wrong, i feel REALLY attracted to girl but feel's Nothing for mens but the thought keeps saying that i am or in denial… please help me i can't take this anymore...I Always saw myself having a girlfriend, living together and having kid's and i still see that when i think of the futur, i can't see myself be gay or having activities with one but i keep having those scenario in my head of been with a man in bed and it's freaking me out and making me really mad…
now on the street i keep looking at womens to see if i'm still attracted to them and even look at guys to see if there is an affect on me...I Don't know how to get ride of those things

[AnnieBrooke]

I've been thinking about this. You know you're straight, and you have gay friends whose existence has never bothered you (in other words, you aren't bothered by the fact that there are gay people). So why the sudden extreme panic over some words by your girlfriend? Let's say for the sake of argument that you suddenly weren't sure if you were gay or bi or straight. Why would that cause you to panic so much that you are looking over your shoulder to see if a man is there, or considering suicide, when it never bothered you before that some people are gay? It's like you don't have homophobia if it's about someone else, but you do have extreme freak-out if someone thinks you might be gay? Is there someone in your life who would totally not approve?

I'm not saying you sound gay, people usually know whether they are attracted to men or women or both, and you sounded like you did know. I'm saying you sound distraught about another's opinion and for some reason that is enough to rock your self-identity. What's that about? This is where I might start with a therapist or counselor. Not so much "Could I possibly be gay?" but more "Why is it taking me to pieces if someone said they think I might be gay?"

[kiory]

i did not go in details but it didn't really bother me at first but i was a big fan of queen and later learned that he was straight and then thurned gay and that freak me out sorta that it could arive to anyone and that made me lose a tempers...i really Don't have problèmes with the gay Community, but the thing is more that the thoughts are in my head and i can't get it off

[AnnieBrooke]

Kiory, that seems like a pretty excessive reaction to a remark from your girlfriend.

Can you see a therapist? It would probably help you sort out why you reacted so strongly that you would even consider suicide.