Aa
Have I risked passing herpes??
I was given herpes 9 years ago after wrongly trusting an ex partner. I didnt have sex for 8 years because of this... I have recently become sexually active again and never have unprotected sex, I also avoid sexual contact when an outbreak occurs. I had a sexual encounter recently and the person I was with fingered me and licked their fingers more than once, then kissed me. I told them to stop! They also touched themselves after touching me. I am on medication, am not having an outbreak and haven’t had an outbreak for some time however I am extremely worried that they may have caught it from doing this... I suffer with anxiety and where I was scared for so long to have sex I am now worried that anything will pass it on anytime I do anything with someone.. over the last few days I have been so paranoid that I have had a sensation in my throat and mouth as I’m worried it’s been passed to my mouth through him kissing me, I have been irritable below but have recently shaved so this may be the regrowth causing it as it’s not the normal irritation that outbreaks give me as after 9 years I’m used to what it feels like but I’m getting paranoid it’s an outbreak coming on which makes me more nervous he may have caught something if an outbreak is coming on... I am terrified that he may have caught it through what he did... am I letting my anxiety get the better of me or is it possible he could now have it? Is it also possible that it could have spread to my mouth....
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh if it was passed through intercourse and not oral, then yes, it is most likely type 2. Unless you have a burning need to confirm, I think you're safe to think type 2.
When you talk to your partner, remember that he has things he won't be all that jazzed about telling you, too. This is a discussion, not a confessional. You have an infection that does it's biological thing, sheds, recurs and outbreaks, and yes, transmits. Other things transmit, too - colds, flu, strep. The only difference with herpes is the mode of transmission and that it's incurable.
You've done nothing to put him at risk, so there is no need to have told him before, and that may be a good opener for you. I assume that since you are seeing him again, at some point, further sexual activity will be happening. Just say that - "Since I like you, and the sex stuff so far has been great, we should have a talk about protection, birth control, and STDs. Nothing we've done so far is risky, but since this is going forward, I'd like to know if you may have anything that could concern me, and I'd like to share with you the same info."
Be ready to answer his questions - he will have some, most likely. Have the handbook ready to refer to if you want.
And don't forget that he may tell you about his STD history, but he may also tell you that he has a poor credit history, a criminal record of violence, or that his mother still buys his undies. You still get to decide if he's right for you, too.
:)
When you talk to your partner, remember that he has things he won't be all that jazzed about telling you, too. This is a discussion, not a confessional. You have an infection that does it's biological thing, sheds, recurs and outbreaks, and yes, transmits. Other things transmit, too - colds, flu, strep. The only difference with herpes is the mode of transmission and that it's incurable.
You've done nothing to put him at risk, so there is no need to have told him before, and that may be a good opener for you. I assume that since you are seeing him again, at some point, further sexual activity will be happening. Just say that - "Since I like you, and the sex stuff so far has been great, we should have a talk about protection, birth control, and STDs. Nothing we've done so far is risky, but since this is going forward, I'd like to know if you may have anything that could concern me, and I'd like to share with you the same info."
Be ready to answer his questions - he will have some, most likely. Have the handbook ready to refer to if you want.
And don't forget that he may tell you about his STD history, but he may also tell you that he has a poor credit history, a criminal record of violence, or that his mother still buys his undies. You still get to decide if he's right for you, too.
:)
11 Comments
Excellent thank you, I feel so much more positive about speaking to him about it now and a huge weight has been lifted now I know I’ve not put him at risk, thank you so much for all of your advise I really appreciate it! You’ve helped me to look at things in a different light now, you’ve helped me more than you could know, thank you xx
You're welcome! Let me know how it goes, and we're here if you have any other questions. :)
Thank you, I will xxx
Hi auntie Jessi! Sorry to be a pain but I have one more question for you.
I have a light purpley pinkish bump on my inner thigh which seems to be under my skin, it’s not a blister, isn’t inflamed or poking out and isn’t open or anything like that, it’s slowly fading but I am worried that if I do have sex when it’s there, that this “bump” could put the man at risk if it touches his outer leg... as I spent so much time avoiding sex, I am not sure if this is a risk even on Acyclovir and with protection. It’s not a blister like I’ve had in the past with this infection so I don’t want to risk it if it’s likely... xx
I have a light purpley pinkish bump on my inner thigh which seems to be under my skin, it’s not a blister, isn’t inflamed or poking out and isn’t open or anything like that, it’s slowly fading but I am worried that if I do have sex when it’s there, that this “bump” could put the man at risk if it touches his outer leg... as I spent so much time avoiding sex, I am not sure if this is a risk even on Acyclovir and with protection. It’s not a blister like I’ve had in the past with this infection so I don’t want to risk it if it’s likely... xx
It's hard to say, without knowing what it is. How high on your inner thigh is it?
If it's something that is an infection, it could trigger shedding, though the acyclovir would help control that. I wouldn't be so worried about it touching his outer leg - the skin there is thick enough for the virus to not penetrate, but I'd be more concerned about shedding if this is something that's infected. Does it hurt or anything?
Oh when I say "infected" - I mean infected with bacteria, not herpes. If you get something like bacterial vaginitis or a yeast infection, that can trigger shedding. You could up your acyclovir to the outbreak dose to help control that more.
Have you talked to him? Does he know you have herpes?
You aren't bothering me. :) These are questions we all have to deal with, and I'm sorry there aren't solid answers to them.
If it's something that is an infection, it could trigger shedding, though the acyclovir would help control that. I wouldn't be so worried about it touching his outer leg - the skin there is thick enough for the virus to not penetrate, but I'd be more concerned about shedding if this is something that's infected. Does it hurt or anything?
Oh when I say "infected" - I mean infected with bacteria, not herpes. If you get something like bacterial vaginitis or a yeast infection, that can trigger shedding. You could up your acyclovir to the outbreak dose to help control that more.
Have you talked to him? Does he know you have herpes?
You aren't bothering me. :) These are questions we all have to deal with, and I'm sorry there aren't solid answers to them.
Hi! I commented back to this but have just realised it didn’t send!!
So the bump is high up, if you imagine your palms flat on your thighs with your thumbs out pointing inwards then where you’re right thumb is pointing it’s in that area (if that makes sense!
I was thinking of taking three acyclovir a day instead of two but they are 400g tablets so I wasn’t sure if I would cause any extra problems, like if you take too much of something you either stop it from working and make the issue worse or you end up ill from it!!
He doesn’t know yet as I haven’t seen him, I’m not seeing him now until later in the month as we’re long distance so when I do I’ll telk him. I just don’t wana take every precaution I can and then if something does happen after we’ve spoken about it all and if he’s on with it etc... I don’t want to still put him at risk because of what’s on my thigh, it’s been there for over 2 weeks and I’m on my medication so I don’t get what it is....
And any advise you give me is greatly appreciated! I have never opened up on a message board like this so your support and knowledge means a lot as I’ve been in a bubble the last 9 years and feel like I still don’t know much about this whole thing despite living with it for so long!!!
Xxx
So the bump is high up, if you imagine your palms flat on your thighs with your thumbs out pointing inwards then where you’re right thumb is pointing it’s in that area (if that makes sense!
I was thinking of taking three acyclovir a day instead of two but they are 400g tablets so I wasn’t sure if I would cause any extra problems, like if you take too much of something you either stop it from working and make the issue worse or you end up ill from it!!
He doesn’t know yet as I haven’t seen him, I’m not seeing him now until later in the month as we’re long distance so when I do I’ll telk him. I just don’t wana take every precaution I can and then if something does happen after we’ve spoken about it all and if he’s on with it etc... I don’t want to still put him at risk because of what’s on my thigh, it’s been there for over 2 weeks and I’m on my medication so I don’t get what it is....
And any advise you give me is greatly appreciated! I have never opened up on a message board like this so your support and knowledge means a lot as I’ve been in a bubble the last 9 years and feel like I still don’t know much about this whole thing despite living with it for so long!!!
Xxx
Do you still have the bump? If you do, it's not likely to be herpes, and you should get it checked since it's lingered this long.
The outbreak dose for acyclovir is 800 mg orally three times a day for 2 days. Just make sure you don't run out at the end of the month. At this point, since you've had the bump so long, treating it as an outbreak wouldn't make a lot of difference. Treating an outbreak early makes the most difference.
I agree with telling him in person. Just be calm when you do, don't use negative phrases like, "I have a confession", "It's terrible and I understand if you don't want to be with me", "I carry this shame", etc. If you make it negative, they'll take it as negative. Just be factual. You can go into how you've been feeling for the last 9 years after, but keep it factual at first. You can tell him he's the first one you told and you're nervous, because it's personal or private or something, but don't say anything negative. Imagine how you'd react to someone telling you a secret, and how you'd react to certain things. You aren't telling him you're a convicted murderer or that you like hurting small puppies. You just have a virus.
One of the first times I told a guy, I had a SPEECH ready. Imagine a speech class in school where you have to have sources, and be able to back up all your points - that was me. I got maybe 3 sentences out, and he said, "Oh yeah, my ex has it, too. No big deal to me. You hungry?"
I was stunned. I think I mumbled something about transmission stats, and he said, "Oh you have a speech? If you want to give it, I'll listen if it will make you feel better, but I'm really hungry. Can we get pizza?"
I also had a guy tell me he wasn't sure about herpes, because couldn't herpes give you "the AIDS" from the toilet seat? After a few failed attempts to explain the differences, and what you can get from toilet seats (surprisingly, very little and no STDs) I decided I didn't have time for that kind of education, and turned him down.
Most have been very "no big deal" about it all. I've even tried to use it to get men to leave me alone, like "Oh no, dude you don't want me, I have herpes" and it doesn't work.
I am NOT a super model. I'm your average American woman - short, a bit overweight. I have constant dark circles from genetics and allergies. I am normal. Most of my friends that I know with herpes have had the same reactions - most good, some strange. Yes, you may be turned down, but that just means this is not the guy for you, and it leaves you free to find one who is. :)
The outbreak dose for acyclovir is 800 mg orally three times a day for 2 days. Just make sure you don't run out at the end of the month. At this point, since you've had the bump so long, treating it as an outbreak wouldn't make a lot of difference. Treating an outbreak early makes the most difference.
I agree with telling him in person. Just be calm when you do, don't use negative phrases like, "I have a confession", "It's terrible and I understand if you don't want to be with me", "I carry this shame", etc. If you make it negative, they'll take it as negative. Just be factual. You can go into how you've been feeling for the last 9 years after, but keep it factual at first. You can tell him he's the first one you told and you're nervous, because it's personal or private or something, but don't say anything negative. Imagine how you'd react to someone telling you a secret, and how you'd react to certain things. You aren't telling him you're a convicted murderer or that you like hurting small puppies. You just have a virus.
One of the first times I told a guy, I had a SPEECH ready. Imagine a speech class in school where you have to have sources, and be able to back up all your points - that was me. I got maybe 3 sentences out, and he said, "Oh yeah, my ex has it, too. No big deal to me. You hungry?"
I was stunned. I think I mumbled something about transmission stats, and he said, "Oh you have a speech? If you want to give it, I'll listen if it will make you feel better, but I'm really hungry. Can we get pizza?"
I also had a guy tell me he wasn't sure about herpes, because couldn't herpes give you "the AIDS" from the toilet seat? After a few failed attempts to explain the differences, and what you can get from toilet seats (surprisingly, very little and no STDs) I decided I didn't have time for that kind of education, and turned him down.
Most have been very "no big deal" about it all. I've even tried to use it to get men to leave me alone, like "Oh no, dude you don't want me, I have herpes" and it doesn't work.
I am NOT a super model. I'm your average American woman - short, a bit overweight. I have constant dark circles from genetics and allergies. I am normal. Most of my friends that I know with herpes have had the same reactions - most good, some strange. Yes, you may be turned down, but that just means this is not the guy for you, and it leaves you free to find one who is. :)
Oh and there's a glitch on this site that they are trying to figure out where posts don't post. Check after you post to see if it's posted, and if it isn't, just post again after it, with even just a period or something. Posting again will push the other one out, usually. Though it's odd that yours didn't get pushed live when you posted again - did you hit submit? Do you even remember now lol?
Hi auntie Jessie, sorry for the late response I’ve had a hectic couple of weeks. Thank you so much for coming back to me.
Yes I do still have it so I’ll get it checked out ASAP. I’m still taking my acyclovir of 400mg twice a day, would you say that’s sufficient? Or do you think I can increase it to 3 times a day if I happen to have an outbreak whilst on it?
I’ve told him! And you were completely right! He wasn’t fussed by it at all, I didn’t get emotional or make any negative comments just told him how it is and he was absolutely fine! I did the same as you and had a speech written down but didn’t end up saying half of it really just got to the point! He’s the second guy I’ve had to tell now and both had the same reaction so I’m slowly starting to realise that it’s not the end of the world!! And that there are people out there who really don’t see me as what I have but who I am and still want me once they know! That’s something I’ve always struggled with as I’ve assumed no one would want me again... so I’m becoming a lot more confident and positive about my romantic life now rather than shutting it out like I did for so many years!!! Your previous comments were a massive help! I was really nervous but you set my mind at rest so I felt more confident about telling him.
I will probably have more questions for you as this relationship continues as it’s my first relationship since what happened to me so I’m still quite nervous about everything!!!
Thank you so much for your help xxxx
Yes I do still have it so I’ll get it checked out ASAP. I’m still taking my acyclovir of 400mg twice a day, would you say that’s sufficient? Or do you think I can increase it to 3 times a day if I happen to have an outbreak whilst on it?
I’ve told him! And you were completely right! He wasn’t fussed by it at all, I didn’t get emotional or make any negative comments just told him how it is and he was absolutely fine! I did the same as you and had a speech written down but didn’t end up saying half of it really just got to the point! He’s the second guy I’ve had to tell now and both had the same reaction so I’m slowly starting to realise that it’s not the end of the world!! And that there are people out there who really don’t see me as what I have but who I am and still want me once they know! That’s something I’ve always struggled with as I’ve assumed no one would want me again... so I’m becoming a lot more confident and positive about my romantic life now rather than shutting it out like I did for so many years!!! Your previous comments were a massive help! I was really nervous but you set my mind at rest so I felt more confident about telling him.
I will probably have more questions for you as this relationship continues as it’s my first relationship since what happened to me so I’m still quite nervous about everything!!!
Thank you so much for your help xxxx
Oh I'm so happy for you, and for him! I'm glad to hear it went well, and that he sounds like a great guy. :)
Keep me posted, and we're always here for questions!
xxxx
Keep me posted, and we're always here for questions!
xxxx
Hiya! Thank you so much I really appreciate it xxxx
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh hon, you are not a walking biohazard. If you get nothing else from this, please remember that.
First, do you know what type of herpes you have? Genital herpes can be type 1 or 2, and the transmission rates are different for each. For now, I'll assume you have type 2, but if you don't know, you should ask your doctor for a type specific IgG blood test to find out.
So you are on meds (I'm assuming valtrex or acyclovir), which means that you are suppressing the virus. If this is all you do, along with avoiding sexual contact when you have symptoms, your male partner would only have about a 2-3% chance of getting this from you a year. This assumes "normal" sexual activity, like intercourse 2-3x a week, etc.
If you use condoms AND the meds, it drops it to about a 1-2% chance.
(For reference, you have a better chance of getting pregnant on the pill with typical pill usage than of transmitting herpes to a partner.)
Fingering and licking fingers is not a risk for transmitting herpes. Even if he had performed oral sex on you, it is highly unlikely you'd have transmitted anything to his mouth. Herpes doesn't typically go from the genitals to the mouth, and oral hsv2 is RARE. Oral hsv1 is very common, but it originates there, doesn't get transmitted to the mouth.
It can't spread to your mouth since you already have antibodies to it which will protect you from getting it in another location on your body.
Have you told your partner about having herpes? I've had it for 10+ years, and haven't ever had anyone turn me down. I've tried to use it as a deterrent when men won't leave me alone, like, "yeah, no you don't want me, I have herpes", and it doesn't even work. Trust me that I am not a supermodel. A few have even said they have it, too.
Some may turn you down. That's within their rights. You can turn a man down for any reason - he's too tall, too short, too broke, has a criminal record, lives with his mother, lets his mother do his laundry - whatever. Some of those things he can't change, but we are all gifted with the right to say no for any reason. It will FEEL personal, but it isn't. This just means you are free to find a man more suited for you.
Also, don't forget that your partners may have something they can transmit to you. That's just as important, and you should be having an STD talk before things get too much further with your man, if you are going to continue this with him. (I have no idea if this is someone you are interested in or it was a one time thing.)
You should read the Herpes Handbook, which is written by Terri Warren. She is one of the world's leading experts. It's also free. :) https://westoverheights.com/herpes/the-updated-herpes-handbook/
And don't forget - you are not a walking biohazard. :)
First, do you know what type of herpes you have? Genital herpes can be type 1 or 2, and the transmission rates are different for each. For now, I'll assume you have type 2, but if you don't know, you should ask your doctor for a type specific IgG blood test to find out.
So you are on meds (I'm assuming valtrex or acyclovir), which means that you are suppressing the virus. If this is all you do, along with avoiding sexual contact when you have symptoms, your male partner would only have about a 2-3% chance of getting this from you a year. This assumes "normal" sexual activity, like intercourse 2-3x a week, etc.
If you use condoms AND the meds, it drops it to about a 1-2% chance.
(For reference, you have a better chance of getting pregnant on the pill with typical pill usage than of transmitting herpes to a partner.)
Fingering and licking fingers is not a risk for transmitting herpes. Even if he had performed oral sex on you, it is highly unlikely you'd have transmitted anything to his mouth. Herpes doesn't typically go from the genitals to the mouth, and oral hsv2 is RARE. Oral hsv1 is very common, but it originates there, doesn't get transmitted to the mouth.
It can't spread to your mouth since you already have antibodies to it which will protect you from getting it in another location on your body.
Have you told your partner about having herpes? I've had it for 10+ years, and haven't ever had anyone turn me down. I've tried to use it as a deterrent when men won't leave me alone, like, "yeah, no you don't want me, I have herpes", and it doesn't even work. Trust me that I am not a supermodel. A few have even said they have it, too.
Some may turn you down. That's within their rights. You can turn a man down for any reason - he's too tall, too short, too broke, has a criminal record, lives with his mother, lets his mother do his laundry - whatever. Some of those things he can't change, but we are all gifted with the right to say no for any reason. It will FEEL personal, but it isn't. This just means you are free to find a man more suited for you.
Also, don't forget that your partners may have something they can transmit to you. That's just as important, and you should be having an STD talk before things get too much further with your man, if you are going to continue this with him. (I have no idea if this is someone you are interested in or it was a one time thing.)
You should read the Herpes Handbook, which is written by Terri Warren. She is one of the world's leading experts. It's also free. :) https://westoverheights.com/herpes/the-updated-herpes-handbook/
And don't forget - you are not a walking biohazard. :)
1 Comments
Hi auntie Jessie, thank you so much for responding to me. You have made me feel so much better!!! I have let this define me for so long and now I finally have some small amount of confidence back I don’t want this situation to hold me back and stop me from having a normal sex life. I will continue on the medication and always use protection. I will be seeing him again so I am gearing myself up to have the conversation with him before the next step happens, if it happens once he is informed of my situation. I’m sure it’s type 2 that I have, I have never had anything at all orally, and it passed to me through penetration not oral sex. I will however ask for a blood test as you’ve suggested which I didn’t realise I could get so thank you for that also.
I will definitely have a look at the handbook! Thank you so much for your help! xXx
I will definitely have a look at the handbook! Thank you so much for your help! xXx
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You are reading content posted in the Herpes Community
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Millions of people are diagnosed with STDs in the U.S. each year.
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.
