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Anxiety about paternity.
My baby is 6 months old. I never got a dna test done. There is almost 30 days in between my two sexual encounters. With what I’m fairly certain was a cycle in between. I was really scared of pregnancy with the first person that I tested obsessively and was negative until 39 days after him I finally got a positive. I can’t help but compare her pictures to both men. I just think she resembles the person that the dates don’t match up with. I’m hoping its just anxiety. I had early ultrasounds in my 6th week and measured the same throughout my entire pregnancy. She did however come 7 days early on her own. But this is my third child, so I’m assuming my body was just ready. She was 7.7lb? If that big for 39 week gestational baby? I’m so scared that she came from the first man. I have a therapist.. she’s working with me, I’m just really struggling.
COMMUNITY LEADER
If you were negative until 39 days after the first man, he is not the dad. You don't have a real problem, just a mental issue.
The only way comparing your child's pictures to anything would help, is if you compared your child's pictures to the baby picture of the man at the same age. That can be very revealing, when the child is under age 2 and the photo of the adult is also when he was under age 2. But comparing an adult's face to a baby's photo tells you nothing. (My son and my husband's baby pictures are so alike that they could be twins. But for how much my son looks like my adult husband, he could have come from the milkman.)
Here is the thing. You say you're dealing with "anxiety," but who the dad is, is a straw-man worry to keep you from having to face something that is harder for you to cope with. I'll post what I've said often here before to people with this problem.
In the DNA/Paternity community, usually if a woman obsesses that a man is the dad who the dates show is not the dad, the problem is that she hasn't addressed her real issue, and reassurance about it will mean nothing because it is not addressing what she is really anxious about.
Every woman who does this (looking right at obvious medical evidence about paternity and not heeding it) has a different reason she assigns her stress to the question of paternity even in the face of all evidence. Often, it is guilt or shame over her behavior. Or it could be worry about adding another child to the family, or wishing the other guy was the dad and being ashamed of it, or resentment of her husband, or money issues, or feeling God will punish her, or not wanting to be a mom any more, or secretly not liking the guy who is the dad but feeling she can't leave, or it could be something else. Those worries are deep and threatening, and not easy to control, and if the concern happens to be one that makes the woman feel ashamed, she just has to live with it, since she did the act that created the concern. A person's mind in this kind of existential stress often lets the anxiety settle on something more cut-and-dried. (Like obsessing over the dates and what if the father is someone else.)
Identify the real thing that is bothering you, and talk to a counselor about that real thing. The fake fear about who is the daddy will begin to leave, as you address your real cause for being so anxious.
The only way comparing your child's pictures to anything would help, is if you compared your child's pictures to the baby picture of the man at the same age. That can be very revealing, when the child is under age 2 and the photo of the adult is also when he was under age 2. But comparing an adult's face to a baby's photo tells you nothing. (My son and my husband's baby pictures are so alike that they could be twins. But for how much my son looks like my adult husband, he could have come from the milkman.)
Here is the thing. You say you're dealing with "anxiety," but who the dad is, is a straw-man worry to keep you from having to face something that is harder for you to cope with. I'll post what I've said often here before to people with this problem.
In the DNA/Paternity community, usually if a woman obsesses that a man is the dad who the dates show is not the dad, the problem is that she hasn't addressed her real issue, and reassurance about it will mean nothing because it is not addressing what she is really anxious about.
Every woman who does this (looking right at obvious medical evidence about paternity and not heeding it) has a different reason she assigns her stress to the question of paternity even in the face of all evidence. Often, it is guilt or shame over her behavior. Or it could be worry about adding another child to the family, or wishing the other guy was the dad and being ashamed of it, or resentment of her husband, or money issues, or feeling God will punish her, or not wanting to be a mom any more, or secretly not liking the guy who is the dad but feeling she can't leave, or it could be something else. Those worries are deep and threatening, and not easy to control, and if the concern happens to be one that makes the woman feel ashamed, she just has to live with it, since she did the act that created the concern. A person's mind in this kind of existential stress often lets the anxiety settle on something more cut-and-dried. (Like obsessing over the dates and what if the father is someone else.)
Identify the real thing that is bothering you, and talk to a counselor about that real thing. The fake fear about who is the daddy will begin to leave, as you address your real cause for being so anxious.
6 Comments
I recalculated, but I know it wasn’t any less than 35 for my positive. This anxiety is the worse I’ve ever dealt with. I’ve thought about coming clean, but my therapist thinks it’s probably best I don’t, because I have a hard time coping with thing anyways. Thanks for relying so promptly. Much appreciated.
I am possibly in the minority and think it's not the worst thing to come clean. Only one time have I ever counseled a woman not to tell her partner what she did, and that was because he and the child loved each other and the child was 3. There was no reason to break up the couple over what would be his hurt at her one-time infidelity, since it was clear the child was from him.
Women often claim that their whole life will be over if they have to admit to someone that they had a fling. But that not in fact helpful to them as an autonomous person who faces her actions and is truthful. Since it is clear that sex with the wrong guy didn't produce the baby, my guess would be that your therapist is saying "since your medical data says it's not the first guy, why muddy the waters by dumping the story on someone who loves you?" There is a lot to that; we don't dump on someone else just to feel better about ourselves by putting our problem on them. And if you intend to pay for your silence by making him the happiest daddy in the world forever, then maybe, just let this be your cross to bear. But possibly there is also a lot to being an honest person. You did have a fling. If you can't live with silence, you aren't going to be a very good partner or mommy either.
My suggestion is toe think it over and do what is right not for you, but for the innocent parties in this situation, and that would be your child and your child's dad.
Women often claim that their whole life will be over if they have to admit to someone that they had a fling. But that not in fact helpful to them as an autonomous person who faces her actions and is truthful. Since it is clear that sex with the wrong guy didn't produce the baby, my guess would be that your therapist is saying "since your medical data says it's not the first guy, why muddy the waters by dumping the story on someone who loves you?" There is a lot to that; we don't dump on someone else just to feel better about ourselves by putting our problem on them. And if you intend to pay for your silence by making him the happiest daddy in the world forever, then maybe, just let this be your cross to bear. But possibly there is also a lot to being an honest person. You did have a fling. If you can't live with silence, you aren't going to be a very good partner or mommy either.
My suggestion is toe think it over and do what is right not for you, but for the innocent parties in this situation, and that would be your child and your child's dad.
It’s not my personal self I’m necessarily worried about “blowing” up my life. We have three children together and I worry extensively about their well being and their life. We were going through a divorce, still being intimate and I ended up pregnant. We ended up going to marriage counseling which helped so much. We are in a great place now and I’m happy to say I’m glad we didn’t divorce. We lost sight of each other for while and jumped the gun to leave one another when that wasn’t the answer. We put our kids through hell and I regret every second of it.
It sounds, then, like the innocent parties for whom you have to sacrifice the desire to confess (which, since your husband is so clearly the dad, would only be so you can dump your worries on him), are your children and your husband, an important population to protect. That's a mommy's job, protect and support. If there were any realistic need to tell your husband (such as, the dates were questionable), then he would have the right to know. But there really isn't a problem with the dates. And it would blow up the deck of your own ship with a cannon, which you really shouldn't do if you love your kids.
Often women who write in with obsessive anxiety that has settled unrealistically on paternity are ones who have never had to live with something they did that they now think is wrong. If you haven't ever had to just accept that something you did is negative in your own eyes, it can create a lot of stress. But you have important reasons for silence and only selfish ones for dumping your guilt into your husband's lap. Not everything you do in life will be something you are proud of, but supporting your family even at the sacrifice of your own self a little, is something to be proud of, and you can still put together a happy life.
Often women who write in with obsessive anxiety that has settled unrealistically on paternity are ones who have never had to live with something they did that they now think is wrong. If you haven't ever had to just accept that something you did is negative in your own eyes, it can create a lot of stress. But you have important reasons for silence and only selfish ones for dumping your guilt into your husband's lap. Not everything you do in life will be something you are proud of, but supporting your family even at the sacrifice of your own self a little, is something to be proud of, and you can still put together a happy life.
Doing what is best for my kids is always my main priority. It’s getting over the guilt. My mind playing tricks on me. Just a slew of issues and questions that don’t leave my mind. I hope to be able to move on soon and try and live my life happy with my husband and my children. Thank you for your time and answers. You’ve been very helpful.
Getting over the guilt is a laudable goal, but living with the guilt is more realistic. You might never like what you did, but you can learn to forge ahead and leave it behind you. Good luck!
Annie
Annie
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