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Safest Way to Enjoy Sleeping Around? Scientific References Will Be Helpful

I was recently married.

In fact, my wife was good and said that she would not mind if I had mistresses, even prostitutes, etc. as long as I always came back to her.

So, I get the benefits and security of marriage to a loving woman, with the option to enjoy sex and romance with other women, if I want.

I am afraid of being too much emotionally and health-wise.  I would appreciate advice:

1.  Most of all, I fear emotionally getting hurt.  For some reason, I never could do one-night stands.  It always hurt me meeting someone, pretending to care, and never could go through with the expectation that they would never see me again.

Now, I have befriended sluts, prostitutes, etc. just for friendship, because I appreciate it.  In fact, many of my best friends are ex-romantic partners.  

I was able to do things if someone said "let's enjoy sex for a few hours, a night, a few days or weeks, then be friends after".  That's what usually happens in my romantic relationships.  I think women see me as "not their type" for marriage and long-term romance, but enjoy my time because I am a nice guy, enjoy being around children, etc.  Many invite me to their later weddings, etc.

2.  Additionally, we have seen some very attractive prostitutes.  Simply the fantasy of sleeping with a good-looking woman on command is a turn-on.  Now that my wife said it would be acceptable, it is even better.

3.  Can anyone discuss the risks with me?

Health-wise, is there any way to sleep around with prostitutes and not worry about getting sick?

I really do love kissing, 69 positions, etc.  Not doing that with a prostitute would feel very awkward.

Anything can be done?

  
5 Responses
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3149845 tn?1506627771
COMMUNITY LEADER
Since there is a risk for HSV1, HSV2, HPV, Syphilis and even Pubic Lice, you would be putting your wife at risk  also, so my question is would it be fair to her. Also if you dont use condoms there is a risk for all std,s including HIV and also be aware that condoms break.  Just my 2 cents.
Helpful - 1
Avatar universal
@Auntijessi  Thanks.  I apologize for using that word.  I should have used quotes.

I am just saying I want to enjoy other women, but I don't want to get sick or give it to other people.

I do like my marriage so far.  Many people (esp. men) care way too much about a good looking and attractive partner, and not enough about the personal qualities within.
Helpful - 1
2 Comments
I will not comment on any emotional matters, not my cup of tea. Going back to the topic of this forum.
Quoting you
"I am just saying I want to enjoy other women, but I don't want to get sick or give it to other people"
There is no way to guarantee you will not get sick. The more sex partners you have, the higher your risk to get sick, that is inevitable. If you stick to protected sex (including oral), your risk remains very low, but it is still growing with the number of partners.
As for hand-picking partners to reduce your risks, like avoid "suspicious" partnerss, it is a possible, but not a very effective strategy. In China (syphilis is about as uncommon in China as in the US) there was a report on two cases of syphilis among pre-school kids from very well-off higher-class families. They got it from their primary caretakers (grandparents), who, in turn, got infected during occasional extramarital sex. No street hookers or drug addicts were to blame :)
If you want to "enjoy other women", you need to accept the inevitable risks. You cannot have it all. There are ways to lower the risks to some extent. But if you choose open marriage - you need to face the risks.
The point about anyone getting an STD is important. It's estimated that about 90% of us will get HPV at least once in our lifetimes - that pretty much covers all socioeconomic groups.

I got herpes from a long-term serious relationship. I don't fit any kind of typical profile of who might have an STD. Then again, few do.

The only thing you can do is use condoms and test with your partners to significantly reduce your risk, or remain monogamous.
207091 tn?1337709493
COMMUNITY LEADER
As Pax said, we can't address the relationship issues here, but to clarify some things -

Even using a condom, you can still get herpes, HPV and syphilis. Your chances are reduced significantly, but the chances remain.

There is a vaccine for HPV that protects you against the most common strains, but not against all of them. It definitely helps, though.

There is no vaccine for herpes or syphilis.

On another note, please don't call women "sluts". Women who enjoy their sexuality aren't "sluts", and it's always a derogatory term.

There are no guarantees ever with sex or relationships. Even testing for STDs isn't perfect. Proceed with caution, whatever you decide to do. :)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks, guys.

1.  What is really is that my wife loves me so much.  I know, us men would never agree to an open relationship because we would not want our woman sleeping around with other men.

My wife has always been committed to me.  She just wants me to stick with her and future children, so allows me to have women if I want sex with someone else, but don't leave my wife.

In truth, I work so much, etc. that it is more a mental fantasy than a reality.  I think she just wants me to be happy.  

2.  Of all my relationships, it seems the least based on physical attractiveness and the sort of "lust" or "sexual desire" many people think is very important.  I am definitely not sexy, etc.  She is about average.  We only have been in the bedroom several times in our relationship.

I have had very passionate relationships where sex is not a few times a year, it is 5-10 times a night.  But, when both partners based a deep relationship, and even marriage on that, it never is a good idea.

3.  I guess I just want the option to enjoy sex with someone other than a mistress.

With a mistress, if she ever got me sick, I know where she lives and works, could tell her, and could work it out.

With a prostitute or woman I meet at a bar, it worries me both physically and emotionally.

If I catch HPV, and up to 1/3 of workers at one time have it, and I can still get it with a condom, then I don't want my wife to suffer from my carelessness.

Emotionally, I can befriend a prostitute (and have been nice to many, because many of them are just single mommies with no other real income source).  But, an hour of sex then never seeing again is not my thing.

4.  Thanks for the input.  It helps me think critically about this.
Helpful - 0
2 Comments
You are doing a lot of ruminating and analyzing here. Sure takes the fun out of having your new wife say you can have sex with other people.  If it is causing this much of a back and forth with yourself, the answer is to just not do it and remain faithful. Depending on one's age, many have had the HPV vaccine.  Keep that in mind. If you are overthinking about exactly WHO you can have sex with and if it should be a mistress or a csw, etc.  this is not a great way to enjoy the start of your actual marriage. Focus on having fun with your wife and building a life with her.  That's great she is open to your having sex outside of a relationship with her but that doesn't mean you have to and you are spending time worrying about what if's for something you don't have to do.  
Again, I know this is the improper forum for relationship discussion, but I get you.  I didn't get married until I was about 50, so I've had several long relationships and some very short ones.  When I was young there was a ton of sex, and as I aged the women aged too.  I'm not going to lie and say I wouldn't be happier sexually with a prettier woman who dressed like one.  My wife isn't that.  On the other hand,  she's the only one I asked to marry me.  Given that you sound a lot like me in that while you would prefer sex with someone more attractive, I mean, who doesn't?  But if you are again like me and really only like sex a lot when you feel passion for the other person, you're again going to run into that problem of potentially falling in love with someone else, and no matter what your wife says, if you're doing it she's going to do it too unless she really is asexual, which would explain the infrequency of your sexual activity.  I think given everything you're saying here, you're scared of getting something and if you fool around a lot you will raise the probability of getting something eventually.  And of losing what you have.  It's your choice, and we don't know your wife, maybe she really doesn't care.  Maybe it'll all work out great in the end.  Who knows?  But you're only going to enjoy it if you never talk about this with your wife, and you are going to want to, and if you can stop worrying about it, which it doesn't sound like you.  Hope whatever you do works out and is safe.  Peace.
4859015 tn?1360119889
Greetings.
This forum is about STIs, while your questions are about worrying and emotions.

Is there any way to have multiple sex partners and not worry about it? Definitely. Most people who are in open relationships or have busy sex lives with lots of partners are never concerned, since they believe they do nothing wrong.

Most people who come here worried and anxious about STIs are guilt-ridden because they believe what they did (cheated, had one-night stand, visit a massage salon) was very wrong.

So, if you don't think "sleeping around" (quoting you) is wrong, no reason, no moral grounds to worry. But you seem to do. Otherwise you wouldn't come here for support.
I personally cannot guarantee you will not worry even if you have protected and risk-free sex with a CSW. I am afraid you most probably will worry.

You asked about risks of having sex with commercial sex workers. Their occupation has little to do with risk; in developed countries where CSWs have access to modern medical service they are about at the same risk for STIs as general population.
What makes it risky is the type of sexual contact. Protected sex carries no risks while unprotected sex carries higher risks. Unprotected oral sex carries lower risks than unprotected anal.
It is hard to assess risks for the encounters you never had and only intend to have.
Helpful - 0
2 Comments
I agree with grobick2000.  This forum is for discussing the nuts and bolts regarding getting or giving an STD.  And if you step outside your marriage and have sex and then have sex with your wife, you expose her to std's as well. You would need to be diligent about protection and always use a barrier. But really, not doing it is the only one hundred percent way to negate any risk.  

I also agree that sex workers could be considered more risky by the number of partners they have and the number of times they have sex with strangers, however, as a group, they are typically the most likely to use protection. Agree with always using protection as the best means to protect you.

Are you alright with your wife having sex with other people?  How this would ultimately affect you emotionally to be intimate outside your marriage is yet to be determined. No one can predict the future.
I know this isn't the right forum for this, but it's here, and I'd say, think long and hard about this.  As the above points out, your wife said she doesn't mind, so does that mean she wants to fool around too, or maybe that was her real underlying desire?  The truth about HIV is, you can protect you and your wife from that by always using a condom and the right kind of condom, but you probably can't 100% protect yourself from other STDs if you are going to do all the other stuff too.  While I have no idea how anyone would know that prostitutes are the most likely to use protection, the fact is, most prostitutes are controlled by others, and by their clients, and if you want to make more money, you do what the client wants.  But my real concern here is your marriage.  If it's important to you and your wife, think long and hard about this.  Open marriages aren't easy, humans being the way they are.  Love with someone else will eventually happen.  It's impossible to just have casual sex, you and your wife are going to find people you really like, and then love.  This can only work with the most honest and loving and understanding couples who have no jealousy.  Is that you?
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