Need some advice

[martin79]

Summary: I am a 45-year-old man, the mother of my children and I live together in my house (not married) but we have not been in a relationship together for 8 years, we have 2 kids! 9 and 15. I don't charge her rent or anything like that, she helps maintain the house, I pay for all family holidays, car, food, etc etc

For the past 4/5 years she has made me feel very uncomfortable at home, she is very moody and puts me down almost every day and bullies me most days but I put up with it because I love my kids so much and want to keep them under the same roof as me! Also they don't really notice it so much, my older one does and has said a few times that mother treats you so bad, every so often she will hit me across the head or spit on me or hit me with a stick, I lose the cool rarely but walk it off over 2 hours and back to normal again, she tells me many times she wishes I would die, hates me, that I have no friends and much worse etc, that is the background!

I don't charge her any rent and pay for everything myself, I do own an apartment but she refuses to move there saying she wants to live in the house, she sleeps upstairs and me downstairs for the last 5 years, and the apartment I'm offering her to stay in free of charge is beautiful

Just looking for advice really, should I just keep quiet and let things be and just put up with the abuse or someone who was in a similar position could share their thoughts, I'm very mentally strong but of late I'm feeling a little down

I feel the only way to resolve anything will be through the law but that will make things much worse

Thank you

[TruthLady]

You should DEFINITELY kick her out of the house. You owe shelter to your children, but to her you owe nothing. She has a roof over your head because of your good will and she's supposed to be thankful. I would evict her but let the kids know that it's their house too - but not hers. Don't give her the appartment either.
But considering the justice system over there, I'd get lawyers involved ASAP. Also ask for sole custody. You have a chance.

[AnnieBrooke]

Are you of the opinion that she would get the kids if you forced a split?

[AnnieBrooke]

I would begin to keep a journal (inaccessible to her) of everything she is saying and doing to you that is bullying or abusive, and that way at least you will have a record if you do ever decide to force a split. Start that now even if you never do get to that point.

The thing is, the kids do notice, and they are learning what a relationship between a man and a woman is because you two are modeling it. This is going to play out in their own lives if you can't break the chain. So I think you need to work out a way to get it to change. Either the two of you need to go to couples counseling, or if she won't go, you go to counseling alone. If you are going alone, you should discuss what she's doing and work out a way to moderate it if possible. And you should also discuss a way for you to get her out of your life without disrupting the kids' lives.

For example, I knew a couple who divorced, and they had two houses near each other, and the kids lived in one house all the time as they always had, and the parents rotated so one parent was there for breakfast and getting the kids off to school, and the other was there to be with the kids after school and put them to bed. They did this for a few years as the kids grew up. The kids had the benefit of always sleeping in their own bed, and being with each parent every day, and the parents saw them every day but didn't have to live together.

Don't continue to model an abusive / acquiescing pattern for the kids, they will carry this and not know how to behave in a relationship as adults. You need to break the chain so they won't be stuck in their own lives.

[AnnieBrooke]

The last means, so they won't be stuck with only bad patterns as role models, and the idea that abuse and acquiescing to it is OK in relationships, later in their own lives. You do have to show that it isn't OK for one person to treat the other this way in a relationship, or they will never be able to break free of this as a model.