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Avatar universal

husband and cocaine

Hello.  I'm worried about my husband.  We've been married for 7 years and have two small kids.  Last week I found cocaine on my desk while i was working.  Obviously he was so sloppy while using he forgot to clean up after himself.  I do know what night he took the drug, because my son woke up around 1am and i noticed my husband was in the office on the computer. I was surprised he was up so late and thought it was odd at the time but didn't put 2 and 2 together until i found it the next day.

I had no clue he was still doing coke.  I do know years ago he had dabbled in it but I never saw signs of problems with him, he never ever brought the stuff around me.  Now that i've found this stuff I fear he's doing it behind my back and knows how to manage it without me knowing.  That scares me to death and also makes me feel that I really don't know him as well as I thought.  He said its only been this one time recently that he was tempted to do it but for some reason I don't believe him.  Are there any signs that I can look out for to give me more clues as to if he's using this often?  I don't know what to look for other than sniffy nose or staying up/not sleeping.  I need advice on this one.  I've never touched cocaine and don't know what to look for.  Do some people occassionally do this stuff once a year or is that impossible?
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Avatar universal
It's not impossible to use occasionally. Recreational cocaine users do exist
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1 Comments
The fact that it’s against the law to have in your possession is a red flag to me.  Recreational or not isn’t really relevant.  They are breaking the law to use cocaine I don’t consider that recreational.  That’s a drug addict using his drug of choice.
Avatar universal
excessive jaw movement rubbing nose often and sniffing frequently anxiety excessive talking insomnia and white powder stuck to the inside of the nostrils. these are the telltale signs of cocaine abuse. as someone who has experimented with most of the common recreational drugs as a kid, I can usually tell when my friends were under the influence just by observing their behavior and appearance.
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Avatar universal
My husband and I have been married for 13 years.  Recently he's starting acting differently,  He's staying out late, hanging our with a younger group of bartender friends and doesn't spend time with my son and I.  I know he's drinking a lot, which had me concerned,  but I also found a little bag of coke in his car.  I took it and hid it, but I haven't said anything yet.  I know he'll lie to me and be mad that I went through his stuff.  I don't know what to do.  I love him and want to work everything out, but I'm scared that he's already chosen the drug over his family.  I don't know what to do?
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1 Comments
See my comment above. Ditto
Avatar universal
I have been married going on 10 years this June. My husband and I have three kids together and I really love him but I'm not sure my love is enough. My husband has an addiction to hydrocodone and it really took a toll on our marriage but I wasn't as strong as I am now so I kinda just ignored it. It bothered me but I never really spoke up on it very much. Off and on he would take pills, smoke PCP and periodically take ecstasy. My mother n law got killed in 2008 and it seemed like that made things worse. Although 2012 was the year that everything pretty much went south. His addiction to pills got worse, he paid no bills and I use my money from school to pay up the bills but after my school money ran out he would talk about me not helping him pay the bills  but I was helping him. He took his money and spent them on pills and God knows what else. We almost lost our house but thank God our landlords was willing to work with us and he started on Suboxen , a medicine that helps you withdraw from opiates. Well that did not last too long he always made up some excuse to why he could not take it. In 2013 he started using coke and he does not know that I know about it. I asked him about it and he got so defensive and tried to make me feel bad for asking but I kind of knew he was doing it but I just did not want to make assumptions. He will get angry for no apparent reason, he toss and turns at night, and he always sweating and his hygiene has gone down tremendously. Even the way he carries himself is not the same anymore. I graduated from college and I am trying to get on my feet and he is not working and I don't how he will get a job because he will not be able to take a drug test so I am wondering what to do. I AM SO TIRED OF HIM LYING, WHEN HE DO GET MONEY MOST OF IT GOES ON HIS HABIT. I am struggling to take care of everything while he say he out cutting hair but I really don't see the money or he says he put it in the gas tank. He has the car all day while I am work and the car need so many repairs  but unless I do it, it wont get done. He is the reason we ended up losing our place because when it was time for us to pay rent of course he spent all the money. This is not the man I fell in love with 14 yrs ago. How do I approach him? I am so tired of drugs interfering in my marriage and I feel like I rather just raise my kids in a normal environment. Some advice please?
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1 Comments
Get out, he will never change. Your life will be policing him, him lying and stealing $ fr your household acct to pay for his addiction. You will always be suspicious. I am speaking from years of misery and bitterness and lies. He will make you look crazy because you won't want your kids or others to know... But you'll be mad at him for using and he will look like the good guy and you will look like the crazy angry lady....look up addicts and codependent. Get out before you waste any more energy and your life with this loser.
Avatar universal
Your story was very moving. How strong of you. How are you and your son now?
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Avatar universal
My boyfriend is a user of coke ! Not daily or weekly, just now and then when hes had a few drinks he will start doing it but for about 3 weeks after hes moody, depressed, ignores me, and is totally selfish! and i feel really distant from him ! i dont know how to cope with it! I tried telling him what hes like he just says " am i?" hes not violent. Does anyone else find their partner behave like this?
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Avatar universal
I dont even know where to begin current situation i am dealing with ex crack addict 3 minths sober i didnt know they have bevaior traits they yse when sober? Almost like no common sense and when i try and address the issue which shocked me he is highly explosive with anger out of control i dont know why i try and communicate with him it just turns into explosiveness my question is with my jeckyl and hide here when does common sense come back
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Avatar universal
I am in a similar situation. ..my husband of 3 years kept his cocaine addiction hid from me.ugh.
Fortunately he is such a good man and provider.
I am full of emotions. ..HE CAME INTO THIS MARRIAGE WITH A BIG PROBLEM. I never got a chance to make a choice. He refuses to seek help :(
he thinks that h can stop on his own..yet he told me that he sees nothing wrong with him doing a little blow every now and then..that was Christmas eve 2012...he did it again feb 2103.
Please. .someone please give me advice.
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Avatar universal
Hi and welcome to the forum. I hope you come back on and post your question on a new thread, this one is old. I have been down the coke road and it's an evil drug. If you post your own question, you will get more reply's and help. Good luck and hope to see you on here again.
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Avatar universal
I must admit that I have not read all the responses yet.  If I don't post now, I never will.  I just found some cocaine in my laundry room.  I have suspected my husband has been using for years, and he had lied and lied and lied over too many things.  His temper is explosive, and we have been feeling greatfinancial stress.  I love my husband though, and I want to help him.  What do I do now?
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Avatar universal
This post was started 3 years ago, so feel free to make your own. You deserve to be happy and have all the things that you say you want. If he is willing to get help and go to therapy like he says, then I hope you both work through this. Have you ever heard of alanon? I wish you both the best and he is done with this evil drug. Cocaine destroyed me for awhile, but I got out:)
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Avatar universal
Me and my husband dated for about 6 months and then got engaged and pretty much spent everyday together.  A year later we got married.  I thought that I knew everything about him before we were engaged (even though it was only 6 months, I know it sounds crazy) and he was this wonderful guy.  I really do think he is still a really good person at heart.  As soon as we got engaged though, it was like a light switch went off and he started going out with his friends all the time.  I spent about 70% of our engagement in bed alone wondering where he was and when I would find out where he was, he would tell me he would be home in 30 minutes, only to show up 3-4 hours later.  He would just say that he lost track of time drinking.  He would make up all of these excuses.  I would go out looking for him in the middle of the night and cry and one night I even rented a hotel room because I was so fed up and did not want to be waiting for him when he got home. I felt totally on the back burner and I just looked at him in a different way.  
     One night I asked him if he did cocaine and he said that he did.  I just said that that made me very upset and disappointed and I really hope he would stop doing it.  After I said that, he got really defensive and mad, so that turned into a huge fight, because I was like well, that just tells me that you still want to do it (since he was defensive.) He finally told me he wouldn't do it anymore.  Of course he did end up doing it again.....and again and again.  I found out that he did it the night before our wedding, which I dismissed as a bachelor getting his last night out of his system.  I then found out about many more times that he had lied and lied to me.  I felt betrayed and like I said before, just looked at this down to earth, fun person that I loved in a totally different light.  (I have never done coke, so I don't understand it)  He had borrowed LOTS of money from me (student loans and the worst was for my own engagement ring)  and it made me wonder how much of that money he needed to borrow because he was spending his on coke and pot.  
    There is lots more that he has done that has made me question him.  My own mother told me that they were drunk one night and she was in the kitchen doing something  (I had gone to bed) and he took her hand and led her into her bedroom.  My mom has been known to exaggerate things sometimes, but she wouldn't just make up something out of thin air.  How else would you take that gesture of leading someone into their bedroom?
    Anyway, long story short (or not so short..lol)  I just told my husband of 6 months that this is too much too soon.  I want kids and a house and all of that one day. I don't know if I will ever get over all of this. I feel very guilty though.  This is not the kind of crazy life that I ever wanted, or anybody for that matter ever wants.  He says that he will go to therapy and we can go to couple's therapy an he can't believe that I would give up on him this quickly and that he loves me so much and he can change.  I just feel horrible about all of this.  I do think that I really would be ok by myself, I have alot of great friends and am very independent, but I also have a big heart.  He tells me that he is sorry he didn't listen to me before, (the many times that I cried and talked and yelled)  but he never thought he could lose me and now he wants to try. I'm thinking it's too late, but I don't want to hurt him or bail out on him when he needs me most.  
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Avatar universal
Three days ago, I just got out of a 9 year relationship w/ a crack addict. 9 years of torment, financial and emotional abuse...the lies and deception. I used to think that I could help him and was stubborn about not giving up on him. To those who are willing to put their lives on hold to help their crack addict s/o's.... focus on you. Don't focus on his problems. Get help for yourselves. It took me 9 years to realize that even though I wanted to help him he had to be the one who wanted the help and he had to do something about it. We cannot do it for them. He's now sitting in jail with a lot of theft charges that I filed on him and felony forgery charges that others have filed on him. He's been down this road before and it doesn't matter how long he's locked up...within three months of being free he's back on crack. He's blamed everyone but himself for his addiction. Don't be the person who chases after the whys' while he/she is getting high cause it will drive you crazy. Until they REALLY are serious about getting clean...and actively go for help....he/she is lying to you. Lying comes with the territory. W/o trust there is nothing left and it took me the last year to come to terms with that...maybe grieve for a relationship that was built on lies and deception....and for the man I first fell in love with that no longer existed. What a weight off my shoulders to finally feel free and to know that I'm finally doing what's best for me. If you don't watch it, he/she will take you into the depths of their addiction and it's not pretty. I've been there with dealers showing up at my door and being threatened if I didn't pay his drug bill. He's stolen thousands of dollars from me, been sexually active with other female addicts and even when I busted him he would tell me I needed help because what I thought I was seeing wasn't really happening.

There is no relationship w/ an addict. How can there be? So, for those of you thinking your love is going to cure him I'm here to tell you that crack is more powerful than love....crack will take you down with him/her if you decide to "save him" or think you can. You can't. Save yourself!

Sherri
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1028234 tn?1252687530
My husband abuses alcohol and cocaine. I do not think that he is dependent on either substance, but his use is definitely abuse, and I would say is heading toward a very dangerous place. I am having difficulties in setting boundaries for simply not accepting the unacceptable behavior. I know his use/abuse will continue until he decides to discontinue it. But in the meantime, how do you all set your boundaries in regard to unacceptable behavior? For example, I always have a "Plan B," which is something I learned in Al-Anon. But what about things like spending money on drugs/alcohol, drinking and driving, etc.  
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Avatar universal
again - please post this on a new thread.  i'm afraid people won't see it because you posted on an old one..

there are lots of wonderful people here who can help... please, repost your post on a new one...

good luck.. wish i knew enough to help :-/

-mj
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352798 tn?1399298154
This is an older post. Try posting anew question at the top of page.
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Avatar universal
I just found out that my husband has been using coke and that he wants to stop.  I am also in a position where we have been married for 6 years and he has always lied to me about something...and the money situation is awful.  We had it out two nights ago and agreed to a year separation - three weeks where he stays with a friend who has beat the addiction and then at our house.  When he left he said he would see me the next day before he worked at 8pm.  At 7:30 pm he called to say they changed his shift and that he couldn't come over and he couldn't call until then because it was his lunch hour, but that he wanted to come over later.  I wasn't very receptive, but did invite him over later.  At that point he said he was too tired and would see me tomorrow (today).  I get out of work at 5pm and it is now 7:21 pm and he has not shown up or called....would I be right to think that I'm being played and that he's still up to tricks (he was also supposed to bring by his check and he took the TV and stuff to his friends house).  OH - I also have no idea where this friend lives or how to get ahold of this friend.

We have almost divorced three times over other things....I honestly have no idea if I love him anymore or not, but don't hate him, so figure I should try to work it out....in addition, my ex-husband was a coke user and I swore I would never be in a relationship like that again and this is the second time he has told me he has been using in the past 7 years...

I would dearly love any advice because I feel totally lost.
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447130 tn?1225470866
Oh one more thing, at the emergency room when they see alcoholics or drug addicts and they ask "how much did you take or drink"? They take the number they are given, say "I drank 6 beers" and they triple it. That is a medical rule of thumb. That's how bad addiction gets. SO if he says I only do it twice a week, triple that amount and you'll be closewr to the actual amount.
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447130 tn?1225470866
I think you already know what to look for. Your women's intuiton is a strong thing. One thing I would do is follow the money trail. Check your credit for credit cards you did not open and aren't aware of, that's the very first step I would take. Also check the addess those cards are going to, maybe he has a box at a UPS Store or the post office so you won' see the bills. He could be taking out cash advances to pay for the cocaine.
One thing you don't want is to find yourself hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt 5 years from now.
Make sure you are a signer on ALL of your joint accounts and check activity when it comes to cash, make him account for where the money goes.
It sounds like the behavioral issues you already have down pat.Going without sleep, having lots of extra energy. But that turns negagtive once the habit progresses and he will become very irritable and cranky.
I would confront him straight out and tell him you love him and want to see him get help because you can't have illegal drugs areound you or your children and you want your husband back. If you approach him in a kind and loving way, he may take that better than if it's a confrontation. Don't get me wrong, you have every right to be mad but you may have to hold that in when bringing this up for the 1st time.
Stop it now before it gets out of hand, and your family has a good chance of getting through this. Remeber one thing, addicts are the world's best lyers, don't believe anything without proof!!!
Best of luck to you!!!
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Avatar universal
I'm glad things are looking up, I hope it all works out for both of you.  If I were you I'd feel satisfied that you did everything you could to make the situation better and you are seeing some results finally.  Just make sure this isn't a temporary thing and that the lying and sneaking around has stopped for good, not just for a week or 2 while he still feels guilty about what happened over the last few days.  Once again, good luck with everything, keep me posted on the progress, I'm rooting for you.
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Avatar universal
Thank you so much for every single word you have given.  Your words are very hepful and I certainly have  a lot of thinking to do.  Last night I came home early (9:00) from dinner with a friend and he stayed there to have another drink to hang out with this friend since we haven't seen him in a long time.  To my surprise, he came home at 10:30 sober as could be!  I was extatic!  He was rather grumpy though.  I don't know if that was due to his rough day or due to the fact that he wanted to stay and party, but knew he needed to come home to me to prove a point.  Either way, it was so nice to have him home at a decent time and completely sober.  I can only hope that it continues.  But like I said before, I don't hold my breath.  I grew up in a household seeing my parents always dealing with my brother and drugs... and still dealing with it on a daily basis (12 years later).  I have to be prepared for what my parents never did!  Cut him off.  But I feel that I have now laid downt he law and given him his unltimatum, I should give him one chance to do it.  After that, I have to prepar myself for the one thing I don't want to do.  Leave.  But I have to learn from my parents' mistakes right?  Not follow.
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Avatar universal
It seems that you're going through a good bit of turmoil both inside and out.  And it all stems from trust issues.  Those issues aren't going to go away.  You've been lied to before many times, been given false promises and false hopes, only to be disappointed again and again.  Ask yourself a simple question.  Do you want to spend the rest of your life, or even the next month, 6 months etc... worrying, being upset, having that sinking feeling in your stomach when you know you're being lied to or taken advantage of?  Maybe he can and will stop, it's happened before in relationships, but 99 times out of 100 it doesn't work like that.  I love my wife, I probably always will.  I realize that my problems affected her deeply, and if I could go back in time I would have done things differently.  When I first found out that she had cheated on me (after the initial shock and anger subsided) I gave some serious consideration to trying to make it work and going into couples therapy.  Then after thinking about it for a while I realized that we would always have underlying trust issues.  Little things would bother me, like her coming home 30 minutes later than she said she would be home, or her not answering her phone when I called or not calling me back.  While all those things can be explained rather easily they can also cause people to be suspicious, stressed out, and depressed because of what has happened in the past.  I didn't want to be in a marriage where trust was always going to be an issue, and no matter how much one wants to believe in their spouse and to trust them, when you've been lied to constantly and/or cheated on, it's impossible to completely trust that person again, and it also causes collateral damage in that you become less trusting of other people in your life.  I now worry that I'll have a hard time trusting people in future relationships.  I seem to be on guard all the time now and assume the worst in people first, instead of finding the positive aspects like I did before.  I don't want to feel suspicious and guarded all the time, and staying in a marriage where trust would always be an issue was certainly not going to help me get past those issues.  You have to decide what is best for you, and what kind of life you want to lead.  Right now it seems like you're driving yourself crazy with worry and fear.  Love tends to cloud our judgement much like addiiction, we always rationalize things to make them seem like they're not that bad, or that things will get better, when often things are that bad (or worse) and you don't have the power to make him want to sober up, he has to want that as much or more than you do.  Re-read your own post, you did a good job of laying everything out there and really expressing how you feel.  I think your answer is in your own post, and while it may seem like the harder thing to do now, imagine your life 5 years from now with trust and cocaine having the same or greater impact in your relationship than they do now.  I hope you find the path that makes you happy and that works for you.  You've done what you can, you've made him aware that these issues are present and that they are beyond important to you.  He's continued the same pattern of behavoir, continued lying (even though he knows that you're going to call his bluff), and not made any real attempt to stop using.  I believed in the marriage vows as much as anyone, but I realized that once my trust was gone none of it mattered, because once the foundation crumbles the rest isn't far behind.  I hope I have been of some help, feel free to solicit my advice anytime, I won't always have the right answers (or even very good ones), but every once in a while I may be able to help out based on what I've gone through.  Good luck w/everything.
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Avatar universal
Thank you for your words.  I really appreciate them.  To go into further detail, my husband and I have been together for 4 years.  Married for 6 months.  About 3 years ago I found that he was using coke.  He confronted him about it and he denied it, until I kept bugging him and he fessed up.  He promised he would stop.  I was always sckeptical of that because I grew up with a drug addict brother and I know better.  So I sat back until I started to realize what the signs were.  I can now read him like a book.  About a year ago he had me try it.  I hated it, but it did give me a better understanding of what to look for, and smell for, on a regular basis.  It often smells like gasoline.  Crazy!  He talks out of the side of his mouth and it happens as soon as he takes one bump of it.  I think he wanted me to try it so that he wouldn't feel guilty about doing it.  I did it maybe three more times after that and haven't touched it since.  I just don't like the way it makes me feels.  He doesn't understand that.

So, so say he might be doing it more often than I know... I don't think is true.  He gets so annoyed when I call him out on it.  He doesn't understand how I know he is doing it.  Just recently (past 4 months or so), he has started to lie about it and deny up and down when I call him out on it.  Until I just bug the **** out of him (which I hate doing because I feel like his mother when I do that), then he will tell me.    I hate that he tried to lie to me about it!!!

Just a couple of nights ago, what triggered me to start looking online for advice, we were out watching the baseball game.  I was tired and wanted to go home (9:30).  He said that he wouldn't be late and he would be home around 10:30.  Yeah right I thought to myself because he never comes home when he says he will (because he loses track of time when he does powder).  To my surprise he came home at 10:35.  I was so shocked that I was ready to reward him with a back massage.  But no sooner than I thought that he was asking if he could run and meet his friend (we will name him Bob).  I know that Bob is the person he gets his pot and poder from.  He says that Bob is out of pot and since he always helps him out he wanted to go give him some of his pot for a trade of two percocets.  I told him to give me his phone because I wanted to see these texts from "Bob."  He gave it to me after a fight and I looked through it.  It was so coded up with **** that I couldn't understand it well.  I told him I was no idiot and he must be going to get coke.  He insisted up and down that he wasn't and how he really wanted to help Bob out this time.  He went back and forth on whether he was going to go (because of me) but he finally went.  I told him it was a scketchy situation and I wanted him to come home right away.  My husband told me since this was on his terms, that he would drop it off and come right back.  Over an hour later I called him to find out where he was.  He said he was on his way home.  I stayed on the phone with him to make sure of this, and he was.  When he got home I could instantly tell that he had been doing coke.  Not a lot, but some (I can tell).  I called him out on it and he lied up and down, telling me how crazy I was and I didn't know what I was talking about.  At this point I threatened to leave him and go to my parents.  I went over all of these things he was doing and how he was lying to me all the time.  I then asked him if I was wrong in anything that I said, and he said "no, you're right."  I even reiterated the coke thing and he admitted.  

I told him that he needs to get his stuff together.  I told him that if he didn't change then I would leave him and not to think for a moment that I would tell everyone the real reason for leaving him.  He didn't seem to like that very much since his parents are the socialites of our community.  He knows the consequences of that.  He said he would make the change.  But he has said that so many times!!!  

This was all on Sunday night.  I told him at that time that we were going to talk on Monday when we weren't heated and he wasn't high.  He agreed.  of course when I came home from work on Monday he had Filet Minon wrapped in bacon and an amazing dinner ready for me.  He was buttering me up.  I brought that to his attention and he sarcastically denied it.  We talked for about 2 minutes (no joke) and he said there didn't seem to be much to talk about that it just seems like he has to do the changing.  And he wouldn't take it any further.

Today, I was out of money, literally out of money.  he turned around and just gave me $120.  How am I supposed to leave my husband who isn't abusive, he sweet, doesn't seem to do this on a regular basis (but he might be according to you), provides for me, makes sure I have everything I need, takes care of our home, etc.

I do all of the finances in the house.  I do the business paperwork and the personal.  So I already know exactly what is happening with the money.  And it doesn't seem to be disappearing at an amazingly fast rate.  I know where he keeps his powder and can see how long it takes him to go through it.  BUT I STILL DON'T LIKE IT.  Even if he DOES only do it every once in a while.  It causes him to lie.  I don't think he cheats on me at all.  I just hate this lying (and the fact that he always tells me he will be home at a certain time and I often have to go calling him 10 times to find him, or show up at his friends' house at 4:00am).  It drives me crazy.

Am I nuts?  I am so confused!  I know that he "dabbled" before we started dating 4 yrs. ago.  So it's been longer than 4 yrs.  But I just started being able to recognize all of the signs 2 yrs. ago.  

I just don't know what to do.  I know that people have it worse than I.  Do I just wait and see if he actually changes?  What if he doesn't.  UGH!?!?!??!!?
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Avatar universal
You can tell a lot about a person just by looking into their eyes.  
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