Prostitute addiction

Question

My husband prefers prostitutes to me.  We are married 28 years and have never had a satisfying sex life.  H e has paid for prostitutes for at least 16 years (that he admits to).  He now goes to SRA (sexual addiction recovery) but our sex life is still infrequent.  I think he only initiates sex (less than once a month) to shut me up.  I am feeling incredibly stupid, rejected and lonely.  I feel like I must be the only woman in the world whose husband only wants the prostitutes although I am attractive and in good shape physically.  Wouldn't most men be happy to be married to a woman who is sexually interested and adventurous?  I really don't think this is anything personal.  I think that he just is hard-wired to vilify me and avoid intimate sex.  He prefers anonymous, disconnected sex. Does anyone else have an issue like this?

JoKe2202 · Answer

Hi ... I found out my husband of 16 years was a prostitute addict. I was shattered and devastated. I know what you are going through. I straightaway started the legal process for a divorce. That was my decision. It's five months now and I'm still struggling emotionally. I have three young kids. But I could not continue with him knowing what he did in his spare time. It's very hard I know. Take care of you'd self. Remember you are important.

Vance2335 · Answer

I see no reason for you to be with him anymore.

imanaddict · Answer

I don't have an issue like this, but I have a question for you. Why do you tolerate it?? You deserve better than that, we all do! There isn't one good thing that comes from this. You are at risk by having sex with him after he has sex with prostitutes and could contract an STD, possibly a life threatening one. It sounds as if your husband is a sex addict and it will only get better if HE wants to change it. Surely he won't want to change it if you are enabling him. I'm not trying to sound harsh or mean, I feel really bad for your situation and can't imagine how hard this must be on you and your family.

JamesC186282 · Answer

You could be a stand up guy and admit things are not working out and make an attempt to resolve things.  Maybe couples therapy?  If it doesn't work out try being a stand up guy and divorce first.  Being betrayed by a spouse is the worst but bringing home STDs, VD, HIV is worse

Withmyheart16 · Answer

What is Marriage? Two people who said yes when they were brand new and seduced by love. After a few years of life and all its challenges, these obstacles seem to have gotten in the way of even what was once sensual intimacy. So what is left? I also must make a choice. When Intimacy walks out, and its been so many years; So, probably a decision has to be made or, sadness will prevail.

maureen820 · Answer

I see this is a very old post so I won't waste a lot of time. I just want to see if anybody (men) out there agree with something I once read. I am a woman and was puzzled about why men went to see prostitutes. This article said that they do this because prostitutes make them feel like the man they are would like to be. For example a clerk might want to feel like a bank manager, or a stage hand might want to know how it feels to be a movie star. A prostitute has no one way of having sex with men, apparently, they can be just a woman who makes the man feel important. He may just be Joe Blogs at home and not admired at all. It's rather like little girls dressing up as Princesses and little boys dressing up like Spider Man. A prostitute, if she is good, is like a chameleon adapting to her surroundings.What do you think about that? I have always found it fascinating.

lola_lost · Answer

If any of the ladies whose husbands cheated with prostitutes/ seem to have intimacy issues are reading this, how did things turn out?

I recently found out my husband has been cheating with prostitutes for (at least) 10 out of our 15 year long relationship (& has a porn addiction). Your stories are just like mine. For years my husband has been avoidong intimacy with me and has held me at a distance. I have been reading a lot & have also been seeing a counsellor who also knows him and who believes that intimacy avoidance is at the core of the problem. I don't think I can get past this. The damage caused by the lying, cheating and him not giving a **** about my health and values is horrendous. I know I deserve better. We have small children though who love their father so I don't want to make rushed decisions. We have been going to marriage counselling since before I learned the big news and the counsellor says the intimacy avoidance needs to be addressed and I am wondering if anyone has gone through this - can intimacy avoidants change?

specialmom · Answer

This is an old post and the original poster hasn't been here for a long time.  

I'm very sorry to hear about this.  Hopefully your husband is seeing a psychologist.  That is the best place to help him with the why's of these bad decisions on his part.

good luck

Brookelle · Answer

I read your post tonight, and I have a desire to know how your life worked out. It has been five years since your post. My current situation mirrors your post. I have been in a relationship for 12 years. We have three children. I thought I was above all others in my husband's eyes. He never flirted with anyone. He always preached of how important family life was to him. He stopped having sex with me five years ago. Blamed the non sexual relationship on being busy with the kids, and low testosterone. I believed him.....his man parts were never working..at least for me. I also take excellent care of myself. Many men try to grab my attention. I recently discovered his addiction to prostitutes. My husband had eight woman that he repeatedly had sex with for years. These woman are highly unattractive and do not ever exercise. Complete opposite of myself. Just curious if u found any other reasons,other than fear of intimacy, to explain your husbands actions.

marriageharmony · Answer

Hi Linda, 
     Your situation is the only one I have found online that is identical to mine.  I just found out two weeks ago that my husband has been sleeping with prostitutes for a year and a half, at least and just before I found out was developing a "friendship" with one of the hookers that he had seen two or three times.  They are still communicating via chat.  I have two small children who I would do anything for.  I am fit and pretty and have always had a healthy libido and an adventurous spirit in bed.  But my husband never wanted sex with me, treated like a husbandly obligation, and left me going for 5 or 6 months at a time without it while he was getting it from hookers.  I am so sad but it makes sense to me that his fear of emotional connection is what precipitated this habit.   Today we discussed having an open marriage (where we don't engage in sex with each other).  I am not really happy with this but I'm doing it for my children's stability. I know their personalities and know that loosing our family life would mess them up.  I know there is little hope for him to recover from his fear of intimacy, especially if he has no reason to want to change.  By letting him live in our house and be a father to his children he's really not losing anything for his bad deeds.  He's getting his kids, me as a friend and household partner, and hookers to have sex with.  THis is so sad for me.  Any insight you have would be appreciated.
THanks.

JoKe2202 · Answer

Hi ... I found out my husband of 16 years was a prostitute addict. I was shattered and devastated. I know what you are going through. I straightaway started the legal process for a divorce. That was my decision. It's five months now and I'm still struggling emotionally. I have three young kids. But I could not continue with him knowing what he did in his spare time. It's very hard I know. Take care of you'd self. Remember you are important.

imanaddict · Answer

Man! I cannot imagine what you must be feeling! My ex-husband cheated on me ALL THE TIME since the very beginning of our 7 year relationship. Not only that, but he was abusive, even when I was pregnant with our child (who he denied). I left him when I was 6 months pregnant, had no job and was living out of a motel. I didn't think things could get any worse. He ended up marrying one of the girls he cheated on me with and had absolutely nothing to do with our son until a paternity test revealed he was the father. By this time my son was 7 months old. I had nowhere to go, no money, no car, no nothing! I had very little contact with my family because of him, and same with my friends. I had to hang my head in shame and call my parents for help. Luckily I have a wonderful, supportive family who were happy to see me kick him to the curb. Things turned out GREAT and I now have a house, a wonderful husband, 2 more kids and a stepson for a total of 4. The house we bought is next door to my parents, I now work as an office manager and life couldn't be better. I truly believe this happened for a reason. While it was pure and utter H-E-L-L for several years, it led me to the road I am on now. And I believe it can happen for you as well. You have to pick yourself up, dust it off and go about your business. You have been married for a long time and if you do decide to divorce him, you should be entitled to a nice monthly alimony payment ! :)  

Either way, you will be miserable staying or going. If you go, you will only be miserable for a short period of time. If you stay, you will be miserable for who knows how long. We can't change the past, but we can change what's in our future!

LindaPinda49 · Answer

Thank you so much for your concern and your advice.  My life has been hell since October 9, 2006 when I found (by accident) a note that my husband had e-mail to his "regular" hooker.  My husband has never been that interested in sex within our marriage so I assumed he just had a low libido.  When we did have sex it was generally great.  My husband is very handsome and I think very sexy.  Women love him but he has always seemed to not be interested in anyone--I guess that includes me.  I have kept myself in good shape and look and act younger than I am.  Through therapy and reading, I realized that my husband has a fear of intimacy.  I was doomed the minute I committed myself to him.  I became the enemy.  The woman to be vilified and resented.  He prefers sex with hookers because there is no commitment and no intimacy.  He is certainly is not into anything kinky that I wouldn't do with him. He swears that he has done nothing since December 2006.  I took him back in February 2007 and the past year has been horrific.  He seems to have this subconscious need to punish me for ending his sick secret life while on the other hand begging me to stay in the marriage.  He has been on various anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds for the past 15 years.  Some work better than others.  I believe that he will not act out again because he knows that although he has beaten my self-esteem into the ground, I am still pretty tough.  I am not a wall flower and I am a lot stronger and together than he will ever be.  I think he totally understands that if I ever find out that he has done it again that I will go directly to a divorce attorney.  But even though I believe that he will not do this again, the issues that we had before are far worse than ever.  He has rage problems and no anger control.  He is a criminal defense attorney and use to arguing and he seems to live his personal life that way as well.  He is incredibly contrary and negative to me.  I am presently in Florida visiting some good friends and trying to clear my head.  I am not sure what will happen when I come home but I am sure that my only 2 choices are to stay with him and deal with "intermittent sex" (his term) and all his other crappy behaviors or get a divorce and devastate my life for at least the next few years.  We will have to sell our apartment in New York and one in Florida and I will have to figure out how to make a living at almost 60 years old (God! that sounds ancient to me and yet I don't feel old).  I would definitely like to re-marry or at least be in a committed relationship.  I think I am a good wife.  Thank you for responding to me and taking the time to read this letter.  It's therapeutic for me to write and comforting to know that someone cares.  Linda

imanaddict · Answer

I am also wondering how things are going. I really really hope that Linda's husband gets help for their marriage and can become the husband that she deserves. It is always easier said than done when people say to leave their spouse. Starting over is never easy, especially in a situation where she has no job, but it can be done if need be. I am living breathing proof of it. Hopefully it won't come to that and he will get the help that he needs.

Shara21 · Answer

hey,
i just wanted to check up on you to see how you're doing =)

teko · Answer

I thank God that I have no experience with this and therefore cannot comment from a knowledgable point of view. My heart goes out to you and even tho I would never tolerate such a thing myself, cannot judge you for staying or leaving.  I cannot even begin to imagine the hurt and humiliation you have experienced all these years.  One thing I will say tho is, it is never to late to start over and only you know if you want to continue with the relationship or not. The only thing to fear is fear itself. After all these years it would definately be challenging emotionally, but if you could endure all that you have, there is no doubt in my mind that you would be successful. I am sending you a great big cyber hug, you are definately a strong woman.

SixStringer · Answer

If you can put aside the sex issues, as big as they are, how is your marriage otherwise?  You have invested 28 years in your marriage and are reluctant to quit.  You say your husband is working on a recovery from sex addiction, so that is something positive.  What would happen if you sat down with your husband and calmly discussed what he wants sexually?  Would the two of you be able to set a compromise where each would get the kind and frequency of sex you wanted within a period of time?  Of course, the prostitutes would have to be locked out and a thing of  the past.

KATE535 · Answer

You don't want to catch a horrible STI from these cheap women, which eventaully you will. So please don't take this any longer.

You'd be surprised how many decent men are out there, regardless of what age you are, who are single, looking for love, that will love you and respect you. 
You only *assume* you will not cope without him, the reality may be very different. 

There IS a man out there who is looking for someone to be a faithful committed partner who enjoys adventurous sex - CERTAINLY there is someone out there who'd be interested in you, Lol !! 

You really should leave him. He'll soon regret being such a disgraceful husband when he has spent all his money and can't afford to go to get a prostitute again when he's lonely.

Wish you well.

babypooh · Answer

I'm sorry that you have been put through this for so many years.  I think it's very disrespectful of him to do. He's been cheating on you for so long. Are you still in love with him? Are you willing to keep putting up with it? Oh, I really hope you talk to him about it and be firm, stand your ground and demand that he stop doing what he's doing.  You deserve a faithful, loving relationship with your husband and if he's not willing to do that, perhaps you should consider a separation. Of course, it is your choice, but I do hope you are strong and firm if you speak with him about it.  Love yourself, demand respect.  He needs to see how disrespectful it is. It's easy for him to get away with it and keep doing it if you tolerate it, honey.  Good luck!

LindaPinda49 · Answer

Thank you all for your comments. To Shara 21--your letter made me cry but helped me to come closer to making the hard choices.  I know that my husband is a very sick man but after building a life with someone for so long it's a very scary thought to start over.  I know that it is easy for someone on the outside to say get rid of him--you deserve better.  I know that I should get rid of him.  I know that I deserve better.  I even know that I am still attractive and feel strongly that I could forge a new relationship with an honest, loving man.  But at what cost?  I know that this shouldn't all be about the money but I am no longer working and in this economy and at my age I can't even imagine how I would live. Thank you all again for saying the things that I need to hear.  I gives me strength and helps me to feel a little less lonely.

Shara21 · Answer

First of all, i am sorry, as i cannot even imagine the emotionnal roller coaster you must be on. 

I have very little experience with this, the only thing that i can relate to is one of my ex's had an amazing porn addiction. He would watch porn and pleasure himself at least 1-2 a day. We however continued to have normal amounts of sex throughout the relationship. I found out about it when i was on the computer at his (parents) house and found a whole lot of pornographic titles in the search engine (i wasnt looking, i'm just computer incompatent and stumbled across it). To this day he doesnt know how i found out about it. It turned me inside out as i found it so unfair that he would compare me (not verbally but i figured he must do it) to these solicon women who make their livings off of being beautiful and... not to mention PORN STARS. He admitted he was addicted and said he would stop. which he did. for a month. we ended up breaking up a year after i innitially found out because of it. 

The other people in this forum are right, he doesnt deserve to be with you. Put love and marriage aside, you need respect in every relationship. He clearly doesnt respect you if he's been doing this for 16 years. It's an addiction... and not a harmless one. There is a book that was actually given to me by one of my ex's friends who was aware of the issue, it is called "PORNIFIED" and it truly helped me understand the situation better. Obviously with prostitutes it's a different ballgame, but i do suggest reading it. It is a woman author and she really brings the subject back down to earth. She also explains very well why men use prostitutes and porn... and how it ties in with not only how, but why some men need the "de-tached" sexual experiences.

When i broke it off with my ex and was walking to my car, he ran out of the house and swore that he would quit. that loosing me wasnt worth it and blah blah blah. i told him that he had already told me on a few occasions that he would quit and we were still talking about it a year later.... ANYWAY, he has, since then quit. I have stayed close with his mom and still have breakfast with her about once a month. apparantly he broke down one day and completly oppened up to the situation with her. Together they found him help and he has (for about 9months) stopped with the porn. his mom even brought up the computer thing and told me she didnt see any sites there anymore. 

If you really want to work on this (after that many years of being together i think you deserve so much better....but...) there are some good groups, and if he really wants to beat this, i think there is definitly a chance he could.