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Avatar universal

opiates

Well folks, once again i am on the way to the atm and the dealer. it's a huge circle of frustration and desire. I am so fkn happy when i score, roxy's, oxy's, vic's, percs, methadone, any opiates. I have tried man, withdrawel is brutal. I run miles, and spend thousands to avoid witdrawing. The fact is, I'm misserable and hate work and get so depressed without opiates. 5-7 yrs now. I have two jobs three kids, and use them to keep pushin on. I have had many injuries from jetski accidents, car accidents, etc. and bag right back on. I don't want to be hooked on suboxone, or methadone, the withdrawing from those is worse. The doctor becomes the money pit dealer. I want to stop but can't find the strength to carry my responsabilities during the transition. This drug has cost me a lot, I lost a 15 yr career when i embessled thousands of dollars to support my habit. Now I bounced back at a better career in the stock market making even more, but still depend on poppin and chasing the dragon. Everyday I use and if i'm runnin out, i get scared sht and start making phone calls. I have 5 connects and seek the cheapest and closest. Sometimes, I drive over 75 miles rount trip to hook up. I wish I could just find a doctor to hook me up and I would just go about my business like i have for the last 5-7yrs. getting drugs is my problem, when i have them, i'm like a pig in sht.
I guess i'm stuck here with my mental struggle. I am i love with the roxy's man, it's like tryin to break up with a woman, she still keeps callin and stoppin by.
7 Responses
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Avatar universal
I don't have an answer, but I wish you well. Partially from a human aspect and partially as someone who was badly broken as a Marine and I can barely walk, sleep or live without pain meds and all of this abuse of pain meds makes it difficult for those of us who need meds for real. I am now an exec at a big tech company and because of restrictions at the VA I can only have 30 days worth but when my company sends me somewhere (London a lot lately) for 2 months especially now with COVID and flights getting cancelled I have had to pay 150K to fly private home on a weekend and then pay high price for last minute flight back to get back to work by Monday AM. I can't continue to do this. The stigma and cost are enormous. So I wish you the best for you and me. And yes I realize this is old but I'd love it if others saw this post.
Helpful - 1
738895 tn?1234654277
believe me if heroin was legal id probably still be using but the fact is drugs for recreational use  or because you dont feel right with out them is a nightmare and you pay a very heavy price when the LOW LIFE COPS catch up with us,thats one reason im 3 weeks clean. REMEMBER YOU ONLY HIT BOTTOM WHEN YOU STOP DIGGING!!  i feel your pain
Helpful - 1
738761 tn?1243452398
Please try to get ahold of your habit. Find out what is at the root of it and address it. Dont make your children pay for your sins. They will become like you. Make a stand. Your past does not matter. Your future does. Praying for you
Helpful - 1
Avatar universal
  I have read and re-read your post and the replys from everyone.  I needed some help in dealing with the Mental for several days now and have tried to figure out why.  I guess I'm slow or something, but I don't feel good about anything at this time.  Wondering if sometimes the depression stays awhile and why isn't my antidepressants working!!!?  Bummer, just haven't had it this bad for awhile and it's making me angry.  I am still missing the opiate? Don't know, Do you have any idea what is going on with this? Anyone?   I just have regretted ever taking lortabs so much, who the hell knew that they could do this to a person, I mean after withdrawl/detox and still dealing with this ****, it ***** rocks!!  Yes, I am still opiate free and no regrets but oh my gosh the angry feelings just roll over me like waves!
  I think I may need more help and it is so hard to tell my family this.  They think I am over and done with it, I wish they knew and would understand the real way I feel, but I don't want to dump it on them.
Thanks for listening!
Ella
Helpful - 0
401095 tn?1351391770
guess u have lots of reasons why u need them/the roxies etc...and getting them is the one thing that makes them undesirable..almost felt sorry for u til i slapped myself back into reality.....cos it is such a hassle....i do know there r illegal docs who sell scrips and if u look hard enuf u may find one in ur area..the is an addiction forum tho...and u know u r an addict but it does not appear u have any desire to quit except they r too hard to get/which is what leads many to quit...can get u into trouble and ,make life difficult..but for me..and we are all different...u cant quit until u r sick and tired of being sick and tired..when u get there...u will let go...even if u find an easy dr to write u rx's out the ying yang...they can go away///and u still sit there with ur habit...back on the street spending money u could retire and travel with..geting thru the first few mths of depression is a bumber and it takes meetings and aftercare to make it...but first u gotta want..and when u do u will kick them...maybe it will get easier for u to get ur pills..or maybe u will get tired of chasing them,  who knows..or mayvbe u will use til the day u die and ur tolerence will be astronomical...it is all in what u want and what u r willing to put into getting clean...good luck to u in whatever u decide
Helpful - 0
779797 tn?1263618235
only you can stop yourself. Unfortunately, I know the feeling of when your withdrawaling to say " whats the point in stopping if i dont want to?" You gotta find a reason in yourself to do it, something that will drive you to getting clean. Honestly from the sound of it, your not even close to wanting to get clean.

Everyone needs some sort of escape to take the edge off. Whether it be beer, pot, coffee, whatever. But the thing with opiates is how they effect your mind so much.

It was about 50 days ago when i decided to get clean. Honestly, the day before I stopped, I would have never guessed that I would be getting clean the next day. Its something that I have wanted to happen, but always said "maybe later".
Finally I just said, I want a clear head, I want to be able to enjoy myself, I want to get rid of these mood swings, I want to stop treating people like **** when Im not high.

I was taking mine for the small high I got, but I do have lots of back and neck problems. I knew that these were helping me, but just masking a pain that was always there. So now, I just deal with the pain and it seems to help me better than just masking it.

Point being, you have to find a goal to want to quit. Maybe its you want your kids to do good and never get caught up in any opiates, so you dont want to be a bad rolemodel. Find something, or the dragon is going to slay you, one way or another. Could be from taking too many, or slowing destroying your body, or even a drug deal going bad.  But there is no point in quitting when you dont have a drive for it
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Man I know I know, I get scripts from the doctor and spend about 5 bills a month on these damn things. I just scored some oxycodone hydrochloride 30mg tabs and broke one in half and took half but now I'm freakin so scared I just OD'd myself - I usually take percocet 10/325 about one and a half every four hours - I think I may have just taken too much, maybe we can help eachother.

I was on here before and it helped me tremendously. withdrawl really really ***** but having real feelings two or three weeks after stepping on the wagon makes it worth it. Obviously I don't know how to fight the relapse though.
Helpful - 0
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