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Avatar universal

Sleeping with 14 year old son, appropiate or not?

Hello, I just have a question pertaining to my GF and her 14 year old son. She has been a single Mom for half of her son's life and then got married when the boy was at age seven (Her ex-husband was not his biological father). Obviously she has now gotten a divorce and we met early on in her seperation from her ex-husband (alittle over a year ago). I have noticed that on occassion her 14 year old boy sleeps with her whenever I'm not there (I work nights four days out of a week) and recently - in the last week or two - this behavior has somewhat increased. He has slept with her probably three or four nights that I haven't been there over that time frame. I feel uncomfortable with that situation occurring, mainly because of the child's age but also because neither one of them (especially my GF) seem uncomfortable with it. Furthering more background to this is the fact that the boy is more sexualized for his age then some other kids that I know in his age group. Also in her previous relationship with her ex-husband, the boy would try and sleep together with them and be forced by the ex-husband to sleep on the floor in their bedroom, right up until the boy was roughly 12-13 years old, when finally he slept in his own room. Finally, my GF did confide in me that one night last summer, he did enter her (our) room and tried to "imitate" me while she was sleeping - talking in a low voice, calling her by her name rather than as just "Mom" and some other things that I did find disturbing. I feel that I'm not over-reacting to this and I haven't brought it up with her yet, but feel that maybe alittle honest feedback would help me before I decide on what my next action should or shouldn't be.
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Avatar universal
My sister and I were raised by our father. He was our mom,dad,coach,best friend and hero and still is. I can't understand why people want to see something that isn't there just because someone somewhere said/thought/did something bad in a similar context. This boy and his mom probably only have each other in reality. Bf&Gf come and go but the relationship between a parent and their child is not supposed to automatically be looked at as gross,or sexual,or inappropriate. I was still a child at 14 as most teenagers should not be having sex or any other adult situations. They should feel perfectly comfortable relying on, looking for comfort from,and bonding with their parents in a normal healthy relationship. If anything else is going on then and only then should there be a inquiry into the reasoning. All I hear is a jealous new bf arriving at his gf house to find he can't have sex with her because her child,that will likely be in your lives forever if this relationship lasts,in the same bed. I distinctly remember running a high fever at 14 and the only safe and comfortable place I felt was laying with my dad,my protector. I think the real problem here lies within the person that sees this behavior as bad,maybe you would have bad/sexual thoughts , but a normal parent will love ,comfort,cradle their child until they can no longer and the roles shift and the child becomes caretaker of the parent in old age. I am amazed at how many people on here write posts about a parent bring affectionate with their child. I am just baffled!
Helpful - 1
Avatar universal
well im 20 and after i was 4 i slept in my own room, with the occasion my dad was at work i would sleep with my mom cause i was scared without him there, but after i was 10 this never happened again on the other hand my brother who is 14 now always slept in his own bed and then my mother and father got a divorce when he was 13 and took it really bad when he was with my mom hed sleep in her room and when he was with my dad hed sleep in his room, i think most of this came from the divorce but he never did anything with them or even ever joked about it, i think its disturbing for a 14 year old to be making these coments cause they are mature enough to know better but just sleeping with your parents isnt a bad thing it doesnt need to happen all the time but when something bad happens it should definitally be allowed
Helpful - 1
Avatar universal
I would think that the boys problem is emotional of some sort, having been torn between many fathers. He most likely dosnt know who to trust besides your gf. That's why he sleeps with her because he feels safe and sheltered. I would recomend maybe some counseling and sit down with the boy. Talk to him about it and ask him why he wants to sleep with her. He needs his own bed in his own room. Maybe give up a few nights with your gf to spend in a seperate bed with the boy and you. This will build a better relationship between the both of you and it may make him trust you and feel safe when with you. Then maybe try to wein him of co sleeping and into his own bed.
I don't see anything wrong with kids of any age spending the occasional night with their parents but it shouldn't happen all the time.
I am the single father of two adopted boys age 12 and 15. They both have their own beds in their own rooms but occasionally come into my queen bed to spend some time with me. Some weekends they might crawl into bed with me in the morning for a cuddle or a wrestle before breakfast. I rarely allow them to stay the night with me and they understand this but I do make allowances some times for example we had a break in last summer and the older boy was threatened. He slept with me for several nigts afterwards. Another time was when one was sick so i let  him watch tv beside me in bed when he fell asleep so I just let him sleep on.
Helpful - 1
Avatar universal
Him sleeping in his mom's bed at his age isn't very normal. I would get it if he was 9 or 10, but he is 14 years old. I wouldn't advise you to confront him generally, but to talk with his mother about it because he obviously feels more comfortable with her. She needs to set some boundaries like "Son, You can't always sleep with me in my bed. You are old enough to sleep in your own bed.". You need to take a subtle approach, not making him awkward or angry about it. Slowly add to this until his actions stop.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Sadly i am in this situation too, my Gf and her 14 year old son in same bed and bathroom for a long time and i didnt know umtil recently.  Its just sick and in no way acceptable. I have a 14 year old daughter and i would never think of doing that. Sick thing is they seem to think its all ok and i can tell they both like it. I mentioned my concerns and if she doesnt fix this sick situation i am out of here. Its NOT acceptable. The boy needs to grow a pair and stop hitting on his mom, and the mom needs to stop being sick in the head
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
You make it sound like it's a crime against humanity. You must have a sick mind if you think it's that unacceptable
Avatar universal
Oh my ,, clearly she has a bit of a problem on her hands. I would definitely recommend that you have a sit down with her, explain your concerns and let your GF take it from there. Also, be sure to not let the son know that you feel this way. Its only going to make the situation worse. Last but least, do you have a close relationship with the son, or do you and the son have a relationship at all. I would try to spend time with the son, and try to see where you and he are as far as you guys relationship. Good luck
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Survival of the fittest. Half of you that say this is alright behavior would be dead/killed back in the time of survival of the fittest. Let's make America strong again starts with getting rid of all the weak minded,excuse making far left wing wierdos.   I have a great idea! Let's put as many of these wierdos in California and blow the state line up and hopefully all of California will shift out to the Pacific Ocean and you all can start your own tiny country and we will even give your own communist leader to start out with(BERNIE SANDERS!) you guys can have all the free stuff you want!!!! Ohhh wait never mind..... You won't have the average hard working tax payers in your new tiny little country any more so Bernie won't be able to give you guys free **** since we won't be there..
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1 Comments
Oh you poor little snowflake! It must be so hard for you, having to whine like a little girl in a medical help forum. I guess everybody that knows you in real life is so tired of your BS that they won't listen to it anymore. I'm guessing, since 78% of the people on welfare are Republicans, that you get your food stamps, welfare, and cellphone just like the rest of you; and then you feel so ashamed that you have to post your complaints about Bernie to feel a little better about yourself in the only place that hasn't run you off yet. You've never done a hard day's work in your entire life, you liar. Nobody that has earned their keep in life would be whining like you in a medical forum. What happened? Banned from Facebook for posting this same ignorant garbage in a garage sale group? I feel sorry for you, man. You don't have a job, you don't have a friend, and I'm guessing you're a 25 year old virgin. You guys are all the same - pathetic little whiners. I mean, look at your president. Two years running the House and the Senate, and he failed to accomplish even one single platform item. Oh yeah, Mexico's building that wall alright, lol. Trump is out here begging for handouts to build his little wall, sounds like he's the one who needs the welfare check.

Oh no, the internet man came and hurt your wittle feewings! Poor little baby. LMFAO
Avatar universal
I also was a single mom for 8 years and then I finally got married I am still with my same husband however up until the age of eight my little boy slept with me every night because it was just the two of us we were all each other had. nothing crazy going on. Off and on he would get scared and come in there and sleep with me and my husband. at night time sometimes when he even got a little older  12 13 years old he would just get lonely sleeping in his room because he was just so use to always coming in there with us or being with me and we had a very close relationship just like most moms and sons do on Saturdays my husband would have to work the late shift so my son would come in there & we would   watch TV and while watching a movie or something he'd fall asleep in the bed no big deal every situation is different he never talked to me in a low voice so I don't understand why the boy did that. However some people are sick and do Sick Things so I would definitely ask her about it and just ask it doesn't hurt to ask but it is normal with some people because nothing ever happened with us and I've never had any thought of anything happening like that that's terrible and I'm still happily married to the same man and my son is now 19 and has a beautiful girlfriend and I now have anothet little boy that is 9 years old and he comes in here sleeps with me and his dad all the time especially when he gets scared at night so I don't see a problem but like I said every situation is different. Doesn't necessarily mean something bad is happening moms and sons are close just like you have daddy's little girl you have Mamas Boyz just because they're close to their mom doesn't mean anything bad
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
If you know whats best you will do like the previous stepdad did and leave now. I would be willing to bet that was the main reason they separated. It will only get worse and you will only learn more about their relationship. While most women won't admit it, women are just as much sexual deviants as men. Look at how many female teachers have been caught having relations with their students recently, or women having relations with their sons friends. In an effort to make this somewhat socially acceptable we have created the term cougar. This is a new day, and she is most likely getting sexual pleasure from this and will never tell you. You will never be able to satisfy her like he can because you are not a forbidden fruit. And who can she trust more with her secret fetish more than her son? No one, it will be their "secret bond". If possible I would have a heart to heart talk to the ex and he would probably enlighten you on how deep this relationship has gone and what he saw that made him leave. He was probably put in a position to do something about it, secretly share his wife or leave and he probably chose to just leave. I was in a similar situation, however the son was only 11. I went into his bedroom one morning after his mother had left our bed late that night and slept with him the rest of the night. I pulled the covers off with her resisting and she had nothing but a g-strig on, and that was not how she left our bedroom, they were in a spooning position. Who knows what happened that night. Enough said, this is not normal in any way and 100% unacceptable. I can guarantee she wouldn't be sleeping with her daughter at that age.
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
You gotta be kidding me with your feedback...Geesh dude get a life. If you don't have something to say that'll help the situation, please say nothing at all. This is real life situations, and there is no need for harsh comments when someone is in need of help. Smh, Wow ,, really
7515189 tn?1391520128
Never delay reporting this type of behavior even if you just slightly suspect something is not right.  More often than not, it is true unfortunately. I think boundaries need to be set when a child reaches school age particularly with parental nudity, showering, and sleeping habits that involve the child.

GizelleWC
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You have some valid points, but that is a strong accusation to make . She is aSingle mother, usually boys who have a single mother tend to be close to them, my brother is 14 years old and is Extremely close to his mother and to me. It's completely normal that he is sleeping in his mothers bed. But talking to her in a low voice and not calling her by her name is not normal. That is something that maybe you should sit her down and really talk to her about .just don't stress yourself out, it may not be what is seems
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
He definitely needs some boundaries and should sleep in his own bed. This isn't healthy for any of you❕
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Children need support during troublesome times, especially during separation or at times of family upheaval.  There is nothing remotely "sexual" about any child being in their parents bed and implying this says more about that person than the actual situation. See it for what it is, a child wanting to feel safe. Some (esp boys), may even feel they are protecting mum by keeping her close, especially if there was verbal / physical abuse from her partner.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
My cousins male child, (15 in a few weeks), has been sleeping with his mother for the past 5 yrs because he's "scared" to sleep by himself since his Grandmother died in their house.  It's sick....she talks about how he runs his toes up her back like when he was a baby...makes me physically ill.  This child is already shaving, has pubic hair, according to her, and she thinks nothing of him going into the master bathroom to shave while she's in the shower.  GLASS door shower.  If you could hear their conversations it sounds like he pretends he's married to her.  I used to think nothing else was going on but I really do wonder now.  Nothing about this is normal and I'm seconds away from calling child services.
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Avatar universal
Well his mother is all he has, the divorce probably hurt him a lot. Also he could have terror issues and she just makes him feel safe.
Helpful - 0
1444053 tn?1365456815
All families have different values and rules so theres no yes or no answer to this situation,my son slept in my bed for a long time and especially when his dad was nightshift,then my daughter was born when he was 13 and she then would sleep with us till she was older as well.Lately its been really cold and our girl(now 14) has jumped into our bed trapping me between her and her dad,its not fun and I dont get much sleep.
Now on a different note, the night the son pretended to be you in bed is a bit worrisome, have you all discussed with him what he did that for?
Basically when she was single he was head of the house, and the previous guy seemed a bit harsh making the boy sleep on the floor, I think he is just testing his ground maybe even trying to have his mum to himself again.Best advice is all talk openly and also seek professional help if needed
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Goin through the same thing..my partner's son grabs her breasts and makes comments still wants to sleep in the bed with her..he will go up just before we do to make sure he in her bed...at times it seems they are flirting with each other and she does mummy him.He is 14 and all she does is speak about him to like she is in love with him..
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It is very important to understand the entire post written here, in that a child is imitating an adult with his mother.  This would need to have some intervention with either mom or mom and boyfriend. This could become problematic for the child in the later years, and there should be no talk of "it's okay".
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
There is a term for this - its called enmeshment, look it up. It is essentially emotional incest. I know the mom did not mean it this way but this is how the son is intrepreting their relationship. Sexual behavior is one indicator. She needs to establish healthy boundries or her son will have nothing but troubled relationships as an adult. Been there and fixing it now!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Erections, Arent you all forgetting Erections etc,   Getting an Erection with your mom in the bed,,,,,,,,,,seriously
Helpful - 0
1327415 tn?1294057889
well i'm 17..... and last year when i was really upset i used to beg my dad to let me sleep in his bed. he stopped letting me when i was like 14 and it was really upsetting.
i really do not think there is any thing wrong with the girl sleeping in bed with her dad. i wish i still could, when i am upset i still really want to ask but i know that if he says no i will be even more upset.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
We have some friends who are recently divorced.  They have 2 children - a boy 8 and a girl 17.  They have both grown up sleeping with their mother and continue to do so when they are at their Mother's house.  

I was recently told by my friend (the mother) that when the daughter is at her dad's house alone, he has allowed her to sleep with him.  While I believe it to be completely innocent, I was horrified to think that any man would allow a 17 year old daughter to share a bed with them.  Granted she is very immature for her age, but she is 17 just the same!  This man is a police officer and I think he should know better!

The mother didn't seem concerned at all about it.  Am I crazy for being so alarmed by this?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Wow, I cannot believe the horrible advice you have been getting on this board.  Anyone....ANYONE who thinks that this is normal behavior should really seek counseling for their own parental issues, and/or they do not understand puberty and male sexuality.  This is not the child's fault, so do not be angry with him, it is your girlfriend's fault for not setting boundries and establishing a healthy Parent/Child relationship.  Her unwillingness to do so has forced a severe Oedipal Complex on this boy.You need to put a stop to this IMMEDIATLEY.  Imagine that you have two children of opposite sexes and liked to bathe them together, which is fine, when would you stop?  You would probably stop either at a time when you thought it was inappropriate or when one of the children started to notice the difference in their bodies...when the child was aware of the different sexuality.  This 14 year old boy is well aware that his mother is a woman.  At this point he feels that it is normal for him to replace you while you are working.  The creepy behavior of that one particular evening is a SERIOUS WARNING SIGN...do not ignore it.  The young man has sexualized his relationship with his mother and she has done nothing to discourage it.  If it continues on it will be to the detriment of the boy, the mother, and your relationship with both. Who knows what he has been oing while she is asleep?  She caught him this time, but who knows if he has copped a feel or what-have-you while she was in deep rem sleep.  The boy may get sexual gratification out of the sleeping arrangement at first and then feel massive guilt about it afterwards, which may cripple him from having normal sexual feelings towards girls his own age and other non-relatives.  He could grow up feeling guilt anytime he is sexually aroused and thus be unable to communicate with girls in a healthy way.  It will definitely intrude upon his relationship with his mom, and her with him.  she should be able to hug and kiss her own child without fear that he is aroused by it, and he should be able to be nurtured by his mother without the feelings of guilt described before.  Eventually, if this continues, he will resent the times when you are home and feel severe jealousy at the fact that you are sleeping with his mom, when he wants to be the one sleeping with her.
My advice would be to end this immediately.  Talk to your gf, let her know the harm she is doing to her child, and let her know that the "creepy" thing that happened is not going to be an isolated incient, it was a sign that shoul have woken her up to the fact that he is sexually attracted to her.  Ignore anyone here is thinks this is normal...it is definitely not.  Good Luck.
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Avatar universal
Im younger than her son and I would say its pretty normal especially if hes been sleeping with her since he was young. My brother use to share a bed with my mom all the time when he was that age. Also you have to remember youre the new one in the family so you shouldnt feel uncomfortable with him sleeping in the same bed as his mother when youre gone, I mean its her son for gods sake
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