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spiraling out

Nov 10, 2009 - 0 comments

after yesterdays almost 10x b/p i tried to vow to myself to take a motherfuckin day off and just eat and keep it down. but no. couldnt even keep half a spinach salad and 2 peices of bread down. i suck. so much.

one of those...

Oct 15, 2009 - 0 comments
Tags:

Anxiety

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Pain

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Work

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Life

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food

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hurts

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day

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feeling

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binge

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bulimia

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body image

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bread

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fridge

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purge

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sobriety

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gross

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fat

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Weight

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Gain



im such a horrible awful fuckup. 5 lb gain in 4 days?! its appalling. i havent gone to work for the past 2 days, and stayed home again today but more so just because i was feeling so ******* awful.  last night i got an awful craving for bread. just bread any kind who the **** cares. so i ate 6 rolls that werent even mine in the freezer and then ate half a loaf that was on top of the fridge. so now im stealing food for my cravings and binges? i disgust myself.  so half of myself is telling me to punish myself with a fast until i get to 115 lbs. the other half is telling me to just binge and purge all motherfuckin day and to learn my lesson that way.  and i only have half a j left and don't feel like going and getting more so welcome to sobriety today too i guess. i just want to scream and cry and punch things and get swallowed up by a huge huge hole. the whole thing with rella coming soon is just driving my anxiety out the roof. im starting to think that maybe i cant handle it because its triggering me in such a bad and unhealthy and miserable way. sigh. but that will crush her if i say no not right now i just can't handle it. AAAAAAH! life is too motherfucking hard today. what the **** am i supposed to do? at least just for today? i want to fast because by day 3 it feels amazing. but the first few days are so motherfuckiing hard with me just wanting to stuff my face incessantly. but i also just want to fill myself up with anything and everything. order a pizza, binge, and then just purge. i deserve that pain of purging and how gross it is. thats what i am right now. i just want to claw myself. rip myself to shreds. claw out all that fat. all that excess. it hurts. i cant take it.

painful

Oct 13, 2009 - 0 comments
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painful

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food

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depressed

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sick

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Stomach

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feeling

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purge

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binge

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distended

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binge eating

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bulemia



ugh i was feeling so sick and thought my mum would bring by just a little bit of food. no. she brings 2 enourmous slices of flatbread pizza, an entire apple crip pie, and bread and dip. and i ate it all within 30 minutes. i was going to keep it down bc im feeling so weak and ****** from being sick but i somehow found myself in the bathroom purging. at least my stomach feels better. i HATE that distended feeling. im just so overwhelmed and depressed today. i just want everything to be different and its crushing me trying to change even one thing. and that sounds so defeatist. which i hate. i hope its just being sick is making everthing seem worse. gonna take some exlax tonite and so hoping that tommorow the scale will cheer me up a little... sigh.

i am a disgusting fat mess

Oct 13, 2009 - 3 comments
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mess

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fat

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Weight

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head

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Cold

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food

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Eating

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cough

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hurts

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b/p

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cheese

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smoke



ugh. yesterday was a mess. binge once no purge, b/p twice, then another binge and no purge. and so today of course ive gained 3 motherfucking pounds and i look HUGE. and rella is coming in like a week and a half and shes gonna see me the second she comes into the airport and see how motherfucking huge ive gotten. im so embarassed to even go outside at this weight. i just want to cry. i feel like im in a strangers body. its huge and flabby and bulbousy and just DISGUSTING. and all i can think about is b/p. guess its good its raining so hard im not gonna want to go anywhere to get any food. and i only have tea at home. and im not gonna order food. at least ive been able to stick to not eating cheese. that makes not bingeing on pizza so easy. ugh. i feel so sick. like cold flu sick. and so im home from work today. my cough is disgusting. i think its time to just smoke and forget. mum is bringing me some dinner at 7ish... i wanted to be able to say no but turning down an amazing bp meal was too hard. plus since im sick i guess i should eat a little. sigh. my head hurts. smoke time. forget. peace.