Oct 15, 2009
im such a horrible awful fuckup. 5 lb gain in 4 days?! its appalling. i havent gone to work for the past 2 days, and stayed home again today but more so just because i was feeling so ******* awful. last night i got an awful craving for bread. just bread any kind who the **** cares. so i ate 6 rolls that werent even mine in the freezer and then ate half a loaf that was on top of the fridge. so now im stealing food for my cravings and binges? i disgust myself. so half of myself is telling me to punish myself with a fast until i get to 115 lbs. the other half is telling me to just binge and purge all motherfuckin day and to learn my lesson that way. and i only have half a j left and don't feel like going and getting more so welcome to sobriety today too i guess. i just want to scream and cry and punch things and get swallowed up by a huge huge hole. the whole thing with rella coming soon is just driving my anxiety out the roof. im starting to think that maybe i cant handle it because its triggering me in such a bad and unhealthy and miserable way. sigh. but that will crush her if i say no not right now i just can't handle it. AAAAAAH! life is too motherfucking hard today. what the **** am i supposed to do? at least just for today? i want to fast because by day 3 it feels amazing. but the first few days are so motherfuckiing hard with me just wanting to stuff my face incessantly. but i also just want to fill myself up with anything and everything. order a pizza, binge, and then just purge. i deserve that pain of purging and how gross it is. thats what i am right now. i just want to claw myself. rip myself to shreds. claw out all that fat. all that excess. it hurts. i cant take it.