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i'm off... again...

Sep 21, 2009 - 0 comments
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stress

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Life

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worry

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crazy

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mood tracker

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Depression

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Bipolar

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poetry writing



you know... i blame myself... but it's hard... nobody taught me how to budget...
people laugh and talk... but i really try... I just hate that I have no control...
even when u do best to control... it just doesnt work...
i made sure my medications were good... i budgeted... i did what i know was going to be routine so i budgeted expecting...
then, with no memo... no notification ... no warning... my insurance decided to change...
i go to pick up my medications... they all should be less than $100...
but no... i need my medicine...
i go to pick up...
then there... i ask if there's a mistake..
no mistake... i tell the tech (who i'm mad because he looks inferior... inferior?,.. i'm pissed off... he's not pissed off... so he's inferior... no worries for him... he doesn't know.. he looks all but 18... ******* inferior... anyway)
so a multi-billion dollar pharmacuetical corporation that I work for can't even be consistant with my health and medication insurance, despite how much i work for them...
so... there...
hundreds of dollars... for some pills in containers...
hundreds... i had to pay...
i will never... never work too hard anymore...
i'm through...
i do my best... and it falls down on me... life orders me to do push-ups...
i do them... the perfect push-ups... then they put their right leg on the lower lumbar of my back... they press down and taunt me...
why?
for cruelty... they don't warn me at all...
for their amusement... i struggle...
only, because i said it 2 days ago...
i was confused...
i thought i was truly happy...
i told people that I was finally happy...
and i was...
for 2 weeks i felt... complete..
at rest... just laying down... closing my eyes...
no stress
no ex...
no pain...
then...
everything catches up with me...
i was in my own world... i built it... i had God's permission to change my life... and i did it... i left it all... everything that can hurt me.. make me sad... make me mad... make me confused...
just like the old me...
i left it all...
and they knew it...
so it all came back...
everything
it's finding me...
this is my journey...
people say... Ric stop running... stop whining...
but i've done it since i was 13...
and i let them stop me..
but im not turning back anymore...
I will humor you..
ask me if i'm happy...
i am.
am i sad?
nope
mad?
nope
depressed? or manic?
no and no.
i smile...
but ask me about anything personal...
ask me anything personal...
and i'll run from you too.
because i'm better for it.
oh Ric... you're such a drama addict... you need to Not let it get to you Ric...
hmpf...
**** you.
it comes to me..
and let me confront it..
and it'll be over...

i read what i write... for errors...
i don't mind the little errors... im not infallible yes I know that..  and now, i'll admit if i'm wrong..
but sometimes it looks like the writing of a potential psycho...
now i know what they mean whenever they say that the system did it to them...
am I psy... am i crazy then?
well...
I take the meds... i see the docs... i do the counseling...
and as long as i keep running... then i'm in active motion...
distraction is the potential...
i'm just so sick and tired of running...
i hate it...
i really do...
i'm done.
i took a breath...
it caught up to me...
but im ready again...
let's get this over with...
and again,...
i'm off...

Mood Tracker

am i over? did i change?

Sep 20, 2009 - 0 comments
Tags:

Life

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Love

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mood tracker

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Depression

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Bipolar

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Sad



people use trigger phrases to catch someone.
daters will go to a single woman and say will you marry me?
then laugh and say can i have ur number?
even if they get rejected, that woman who he tried to pick up will remember him and that pick-up line forever... because she wants that same phrase said to her... she's been waiting and it's built up. she won't forget, it'll depress her later, but at the time he asks it will enlighten her with euphoria. although temporary.
same goes, when i wait... wait for 2 yrs, almost 3... then i hear, from the same one, "will u take me back?"
a moments hesitation happens because im in shock... the only thing that happens are tears...
i laugh, haha, im 22 yrs old, its been almost 3 yrs, you're already happy as it is, u have ur own place, ur own car, a great job, good money, good friends.
but yet tears cuz being sad. sad? cuz that's all material, and i wanted something different. i wanted another chance to love the person i did before it all happened.
then comes the next sentence, "i was just asking out of curiosity. im just curious"
then the rest, "forget it, hey, im happy, ur happy, we can just be happy friends"
so i laugh... she's right...
i am happy... and she's happier...
but im not happiest... but we dont all get what we truly deserve.
she doesn't know me though, and i want to say... but i can't, i freeze up! can u believe it?? all this damn time gone to waste! and i freeze up when i've been waiting for it.
all i say is the same ******* thing that every guy says after he wants someone back! "hey, i changed" WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?? IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO RICK?? seriously.. was that the best i can do?
yes... because i have changed... but i can't prove it through words...
and i know i changed...
because when a guy says, "i changed for you" then he didnt change honey, he just wants u back....
but whenever i told myself, "omg... i changed... i feel different..."
they ask, who did u change for?
and i say, "well, nobody, i just changed for me..."
now, where it was dark green, it's now yellow... where it was red, it's white... and where it was blue, it's grey...
so i write to her... the usual, "lol" "hahaha"
but im sad, at that moment...
because she loved me at my worst... and now i can't love her at my best...
second chances are so rare... well, only the ones you truly want...
wanna know why?... because the best lessons in life are learned whenever it's too late.
and if u go back, then you'll deviate from your original course...
So, i ask, "how do you know when you're completly over someone?" no repsone.. so, "how did u know u were completely over me?"
she responds, "whenever i no longer wanted to call you"
there. that did it. pain in my left upper chamber of my heart...
sharp pain... i even looked in that area to see if it was something was physically touching me.
nothing was there.
cuz i knew something...
i still wanted to call her.
but i have her number... why don't I?
i'm over her right?
so what the hell is going on? am I or am I not?
then i answer her question... "i still would"
i rephrase it, as if she didn't already know what i meant, i had to sugar coat it like some deperate ******* fool, "i still would go back out with you"
well... let me explain what happens at this point...
she freezes up, knowing she made a big mistake but she overthinks it...
she thinks.. "oh ****... now he's gonna cry and start thinking he had a chance"
so she retypes, "i was just curious, im a curious person"
now im here... am i crying again?? "lol" no.
im here thinking...
im thinking but talking to myself in my head... here's how it goes:
im thinking, "hmmm... what the hell... are u serious Ric?? omfg, really? dude, u spent the last 2 yrs, almost 3, changing yourself... you tell yourself, and even her, that you've changed... not only that, but you did change... right?"
"well of course i did... it's just that... i still love her don't i?"
"no... you don't... you know what u just did when you told her that?"
this happened... :
she said, "oh, i have to go, my friends are in the room, i have to go bye. bye."
and there...
you let her know.. um, you know those 3 yrs i spent getting over you?... that was either a lie, or for nothing... because i want you back...
so what did u type when she said that?
you type, this... and prepare to laugh you stupidass ****, you type, "kk"
then you log off! without saying bye!
dude... all this time... all the counseling, the psychiatrist, the antipsychotics, the antidepressants, the time and money and the solitude, the sobriety, the abstinence, the chastity, ... all out the door... why would she even want to type to you again now?
she said she wanted to be friends... but you are NOT a good friend Ric.
you arent there whenever somone needs you. you're sick dude, c'mon.
she was just taking care of you, humoring you. and u let her know that ur just the same guy all over again...
what a waste of everything u said u are...
i was proud of you... was..
now what are u gonna do?
go change... seriously... u need it... look at urself... eyes swollen from sodium excretion... head hurting from confusing yourself that u were different. and now heart broken, cuz she wont contact you again... not for a long time...

do what u do best ric... go outside.. smoke a cigarette... listen to sad music... take ur seroquel... eat something... and go to bed...
ur right ric, u did change...
but ur not ready for the change man... u really arent...
so grow up, be a man... change more...
then try this again.

Mood Tracker