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Back For now

Jan 30, 2019 - 0 comments

I dont know how long Ill be back for but Im here for now. i dont even care about writing this perfect anymore. i cant believe back then how much effort i put into these small journal entries. Life hasnt changed to much. I did move away finally which was good. But i dont know if im going to stay here long or if i have to go back. things with my family havent really changed. its the same old stuff. my life hasnt gotten much better. i have noticed that things changed a lot on here. i know the last time i came back i wasnt really feeling being on here. so i didnt stay. but im back now because it seems like that theres less and less places to go to talk to people about these things where i dont have to give my real name and stuff. and theres stuff i dont want people especially people i know in real life to know about me. so basically thats all thats happened since 2012. i cant believe its been that long. i am glad to see this site is still up and so is the mental health group even if its not active anymore. so thats whats going on.

Same Old Same Old

Oct 28, 2012 - 0 comments

Well things arent the best. But when are they ever. Just the same old problems. Same old sad tune over and over agian. Except add in new problems but keep the old ones. Makes me feel really overwelmed. Still having issues with my mom of course. Had a really bad time a few days ago. Dont really want to get into though. Its just the way my life is. Still sometimes its hard for me to even feel like a normal person. Hard for me to function. Im just trying to get by. Just one day at a time. I cant go foward. I cant go back. So Im just trying to get by pretty much. Right now it feels like thats all I can do. Holidays are coming up. Yippy. Not really. Its actually really hard for me. Expecially because of last year and then last June. Im still tryng to deal with it. I might try to get into details later on. Pretty much just say Im back at least for now. And my mood well it is the same. Lousy. Just want to believe in something good one day.

Why Cant I Handle This?

Sep 17, 2011 - 2 comments

So today I was actually in a pretty good mood. Did it last? NO of course not. It never does. So it was fine. I was eating and mom was on the phone. She was mad cuz she was having trouble with her meter cuz she just put a new battery in it and it wouldnt turn off. So she had just eaten and had no meds in her system and she couldnt figure out how to turn it off without checking. So she checked her sugar. it was sky high. So my first reaction is fear. "Mom take your meds!" She says it wont help. Dont know if she took them or not but it was what she said. I guess the doctors are thinking about putting her on insulin. Which is hard enough. But of course mom says she would rather get worse in her health, have high readings, something about her kidneys getting bad and then not getting help for that if it happens and just dying from it. Augh why does she have to say that to me! Why cant she take care of her health before it gets really severe. And why does she have to think and want everything to end her life. I understand how she feels theres no hope and stuff. Im going through the same thing but I dont sit around telling her all the ways I could die. I dont tell her what I think about when I feel suicidal, but she tells me what she wants to do how she wants to do it. Stuff like that. Shes told me how wonderful she would look in a casket. I would post this somewhere but I wouldnt even begin to know where. I could always post it in mental health chat group but I dont know. For now I will just write this entery. And I might post it somewhere later. I dont know. Im not the little girl crying for her mommy cuz mommy took some pills and tried to end it. Im an adult now. I shouldnt freak out so much over this anymore. I mean of course it upsetting but I still feel like a 5 or 6 year old kid being scared that my mom was going to do something like that. But Im not a kid. Yet I feel like one still. I was looking at my old enteries and I saw the one when mom took an extra pill on purpose to go in a coma. I freaked out so much. And then today I should just ignore it and not pay attention. I mean if shes really going to do something then yeah Ill freak but shes not even talking about that anyway. She just says she wont take care of her health and of course that it will end in her dying from not taking care of it. Which upsets me, causes me anxiety, makes me want to run far away and just disapear not die but just not be here anymore. Augh why cant I handle this?

When people wake me up

Sep 17, 2011 - 0 comments

I hate that. Ill be sleeping fine. Then mom comes in wants something and wakes me up. Grrr! Does she except me to be happy about it? Well I woke up grouchy cuz I hate being distrubed. Seems in the last few weeks she has visited my room either being loud or wakes me up. Its like let me sleep! I mean I let her sleep. The only time I wake her is an accidental waking her up or if I really really need to talk to her or need something. Other then that I try really hard not to bug her. Usually she doesnt bug me to much but lately seems everytime I turn around she is. Luckily I went back to sleep so I feel better now.

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