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Checking in

Mar 30, 2016 - 1 comments

Just checking in. More to follow journa . More to come ....

90+++++ days!

Sep 08, 2014 - 4 comments

I've been busy as he11!  Better than being lazy and high right?
I've started a weekly class for web development, had a good job interview, (still haven't heard a decision) both boys are in school so my days are free but spent doing homework!  
The soon to be able x moved last weekend. That was fun. She made it dramatic but what's new?  I'm learning slowly to remember she can't expect me to bail her out anymore. I'm doing my thing on my own she needs to do her thing.
Just got back from a two night camping trip. Very fun!  Very relaxing and the weather was great.

I just wanted to check in if anybody cares how I'm doing.
Still going to meetings when I can. Still clean!!!!

its journal time!

Aug 05, 2014 - 6 comments

I've taken a break from journaling. Mainly because I was repeating myself. Which I'll probably continue here.

Summer is almost over. Its been an interesting one. Ha!  Lots if growing for me. Lots of wheels spinning too. I'm house sitting for my brother right now which is nice. Its like having my own place. He has a drum kit which way back in the day we would all try and be musical. Hah. It was fun though. So for old times sake I banged on the drums a bit. Really really really missing my guitar. Its still at the pawn shop and I have till the 27th of this month to get it back. It seems every time I get the money to get it I have to pay some other bill. Whatever at this point.

I guess I'm still seeing this girl. Its fun hanging out with her but there are some red flags popping up now. Probably the biggest and most obvious one is me and my situation. I'm still technically married!  Also I guess this is a rebound type of relationship. I've never experienced before so I guess that's what it is?  Idk. We have fun I'm extremely comfortable around her and she feels the same. But there's always this odd push back I get from her from time to time. Maybe fear. Maybe just her.

Reality is I really shouldn't be putting myself in this situation or her in this situation either.

Overall things are going great. Just trying to find a full time job and working on getting my future together.

60+ days clean going strong!

Journal journal journal.............

Jul 26, 2014 - 2 comments

I feel pretty damn good that I'm at the 60 day mark.  I feel different this time regarding my sobriety.  I credit the NA meetings.  Not to mention every wonderful person on here who has been there to offer words of encouragement in my difficult times.  The first 30 days took forever it seemed.  I cannot believe tomorrow will be another 30.  It seems like yesterday I was excited to hit 30, now I'm moving on to 60.  

This site is amazing!  The only problem I have with it is not being able to meet each person in the flesh.  Having such great people there for you is awesome!  I have in the past spent a great deal of my early detoxing posting in the forum section.  This go around I had no desire to which is partly why I have been writing so many journal entries.  I want to start responding in the forum section now.  I feel like it is time to give back.  Hopefully I can help someone else.  

I still have my days that is for sure.  I can talk myself through them better but not always.  haha  I'm trying to remind myself that what I am experiencing are only feelings and they will pass.  But as we all know when you are in the moment of "feeling" like crap it is hard to convince yourself that.

One thing I am learning and have always suspected with myself is my need and want to escape from what is around me.  I find myself wondering sometimes listening to fellow addicts at meetings why do we as addicts spend so much time analyzing our actions in what we do.  Will there ever be a moment for the rest of my life that I am not making decisions worried about what my alter addict self is conjuring up.  Are we really that different?  Do we have to live life constantly worried about our "other" side?  And does that constant worrying interfere with enjoying life.  I don't know just some rambling thoughts.  

I am doing good.  Someone on here reached out to me yesterday because I haven't been journaling as much.  Making sure I was ok.  This person has been here for awhile and it made me feel good that they were actually following my story and concerned.  I have read many of their post and have always enjoyed what they say.  
Things are starting to level out for me.  The wife/ex and I are on fairly good terms which is nice.  I need to get the ball rolling on the divorce.  I don't want it lingering.  I also know it is what I want.  

One thing driving me nuts right now!  I just thought of while writing.  I have to go pay on my guitar at the pawn shop.  I put it up for 80 bucks to buy drugs those first few days when the s hit the fan.  It ***** because I barely have the money to make a payment to keep it.  Pathetic!  Just another reminder.  I have thought about just letting it go and getting another one but I have had this guitar for 18 years!  And not getting it back is almost like suffering a defeat to my addiction, if that makes sense.  

Anyway I am doing well.  Here is to 60 days tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!