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Starting to See a bit of Normal

Jan 22, 2011 - 2 comments
Tags:

Cancer

,

Melanoma

,

Anxiety

,

Depression

,

addition

,

methadone

,

Agoraphobia

,

OCD



Hello Everyone,

Well I am happy to say I am starting to feel a bit of Normal in my life these days. The Insurance Company still won't pay but Medicare Will do there 80% and I will take that. I will be checking into some things that I can get help on and I really need to try and make myself go to a Support Group but being that I have Anxieties it is so hard to push your self out the door but to be honest telling myself that I don't know how long I have seems to help.

I have found that my OCD is really kicking into high gear and that I have a need to get things in order and I know part of that is because I can't keep a hold of my health so I will do what I can ...And you all know that I moved in here on my last go around with Chemo and had only been off it for 8 months before I got Cancer again and so now to be honest it is so much better and I can have some one up here and be happy. And my Girl Room is Totally A Girl Room...and my husband and I are going to get the Spare Room into a Spare Room that Still holds my husband's and Mine and My Son's stuff. It is odd's and ends...Bunch of odds of my art stuff. Most of the stuff I use daily is in my Room with me.

Anyway I started the study on the 19th of this Month so just a Couple of day's ago and Pretty good so far. A bit tired and not too hungry and  up set tummy ....
But the Tummy thing goes away
the not too hungry Well I am a Women what can I say...
the tired thing I am hoping that will go away.
Oh and the hair loss well that one does not make me happy but I'm hoping again that will stop.

As for what do they say about the Study..It is Called E7080 and it is for Stage 4 Melanoma With Such and Such Type of Cancer and all that Crap and like Many have said to me .. The reason this time is so different then the others is because they for one Can't remove the Cancer. 2 More has already shown up
And there is over 250 Different types of Cancer and I am by No means mad I'm trying to help people understand what helped So and So does not always help the Next person.
So with a Trial that is what it is..a Trial..I'm in Stage 2 of this Trial and I hope that is a Great learning experience for me and the team and that it stops' my Cancer or give's me way more time then what I'm Looking at with the other Option's left open to me. Which is 4 years Maybe 5 if I was Super Lucky.

Yes it is a Super Big Trip to have that sort of thing said to you and to think that if this does not work does this take how much time off my life? How long do I give it? Oh yes all good things to remember to ask Next time I am in.
For Crying out loud I swear I have talked Cancer and done blood draws More CAT Scans and X Rays then I want to in I don't know how long..But I have more to go and I try and tell myself that it is my life now. It is not a bad thing it means I am alive..

Oh I am trying Hard to stop the Negative thinking and I am trying to Live each day..Funny how I was on the Computer All the time and Now I am not on it much at all. But  I have Loved Reading and I have Loved Watching Stuff like the History Channel and Documentary's on Buddha to Ghost to you name it...and then I love to Paint and oh I am getting out of the house more and I am Cleaning the house all the time..or as Much as I can.....I am learning that I can't do as Much as I did do not so long ago...But again I can learn how to get along and I will be looking into help.


Well I wanted to let everyone know how I'm doing..
Love You all
and God Bless
XOXO Rhea  

Listing to Sad Songs and letting myself feel...

Jan 12, 2011 - 4 comments
Tags:

Addiction

,

Cancer

,

Melanoma

,

dealing with anxiety

,

Panic Disorder

,

Pain



Well lets start this off by telling You I am Listing to Annie Lennox and the Song is " Everybody Hurts " Well I have to tell you I started this Journal Many Days ago. So Up date would be that I am going on the Trial Study. We will have to pay part of this study because our insurance found a Loop Hole they could get out of paying for any of it. And I have found out that I have another Sport Of Cancer on my Lung. So that was from the last scan they have done. I don't think I have said over on this site that They have given me a Year to live if I choose to do Nothing. Take No Chemo or anything. They can help me try and get 2 to 4 years is what we hope for and with this trial study as part of something for me to try then if it does not work I have 3 other things I might be able to try to stop this Bullet in Mid Air..

Now I think I have told everyone here this is ware I come to be Just ME...to let my hair down to say what is on my mind and just talk...And Oh my gosh I can say to you I am scared to death...No pun intended...But Come on who would not be....I feel my insides saying Tic Toc Tic Toc and it drives you nuts...and each and every day is like a black X off in your mind..Yes I am scared...

Another Part of me is at a strange Peace..weird to say..But there is a part of me that is ready to live my life...to start doing what I had put off thinking I had 20 some plus years..
And please don't take me wrong any time I get is a blessing and I do look at the Glass Half Full but at times the Glass Spills and I talk about that also. I do think You can't be happy all the time. I hate to be rude but I find most of those types are not real..and don't have a real bone in there body. I also know that when I look at things in a Negative lite for too long then life becomes a big Downer..I also know I have to be honest to myself..And I have to be Truly Real..no time for being fake and you for real the things you put off in life well darn you never know you might find your self looking at only a couple of years..What do you have to do to be ready to have it all fixed to not leave it for other's to do for you..I want to Spend my time with the one's that love me the ones that want to be there with us threw thick and thin the ones that love us. What I call Real Friends..You know it is not the Blood that runs threw my veins that makes me A Sister to some of you or a daughter to some others. I tell you I don't want to Spend a bunch of time being Mad or not being Happy..
I have so much to be happy for and Blessed with the best of the best...God Bless each one of you...

XOOXOX

Up Date

Jan 06, 2011 - 7 comments
Tags:

Agoraphobia

,

Anxtiety

,

Panic Disorder

,

Cancer

,

Melanoma

,

end-stage

,

stage 4

,

Addiction



OK for those of you that have just tuned in here is the deal. I am a 45 Year old Mother of 5 kids. And this is my 3rd battle with Melanoma Skin Cancer and this time they can't take it out. And for those of you that don't know this but all Cancer is not the same and Melanoma is really bad. SO anyway enough of that..So I'm stage 4 and along with all that crap if you read back in my Journals I have 2 gilrs my oldest Children that are not speaking to me at this time. Long story   but I did see my daughter that has the our only Grand Baby and the baby is outstanding, but I will be honest with you it was not like we both hoped. My husband and I, it was like meeting a friend and her baby. I know I know i'm not dumb this might change but it might not either. So lets face the facts, when you burn a bridge too often it is darn right gone and can't be fixed and I don't know if that is what is happening with me and my girls, but I do know that it will take a Big thing to change things for me and Daughter number 2
along with that...My boys and Most of all my step son has told my husband and I that we can move in with him and his new wife because the Insurance was not paying for my Treatment..So threw all this Ups and downs , Let me add here that there is Only one treatment out there that I can do that gives me a 7 to 10 out a 100 people will it help..so they found a study group that I fit into that might give me a bit more time.
so this is what I have to think about...If I do Nothing..take No Chemo I will pass in a Year...If I take One of the treatments One they can say will give me about 2 years and then the other maybe 4 but I also have to look at what I am going to feel like during this and all that sort of stuff. I have the paper work on the Trial Study and I will read that again and I have a Couple of sites I can read on the IL2 and see which one is the best one. The trial Study I have to get in on as soon as I can. I am not going to let the Doctors make up my mind I'm not going to do what I think is write..
Now Please I know you don't know me but I am no Chicken ****..I watched my own Mother pass I Mean she took her last breath and it was the Death Rattle. Then I watched my Oldest sister pass as she closed her eyes with a look I have not forgotten. I also know that if I can get my Mind to Know I can live longer then what the Doctors say. I will also Look into a alternative way of treatment along with doing Chemo. I will start working Out again. Now that you understand that I'm Not dumb..That I know what I have to do...Along with that...Understand that this is Freaking Messed Up and I'm not Happy at the Moment.and I can't just make myself think Oh well Great I get at least 4 years or so..They said they can't say 5 or 6 because that's a bit out there..So what I'm looking at 4...well if you were told today that you might make it four more years. Well what would you do? Would You be Smiling and saying Whoot...I got 4 more. Cause I'm 45 and I was thinking 40 years myself..I thought I might live to the Age of 85 on a Swing on the Front Porch as My Husband and I sit and watch the Grass Grow..


But I need to make myself change the way I look at each one of these stones I walk on. I need to know that the ones I love and Love me back our in my corner. I need to make my plans and get on with my life. I will do each step as I see fit and I will do what I have to get myself as far as I can in this life and the truth be told it is not up to me how long I live and I know that. I can eat better , I can start working out and I will do One treatment and work hard at Keeping myself as up beat as I can this time and if that does not work then I will try the other. With each thing I will see how my life is going at the time and these things are subject to change. You see I have to lay it out there I have to look at it up and down and side ways to know whats what and no matter how Crappy things are looking I will get it worked out for my self and I will move on and not dwell to long in this Low Valley that I have crossed my legs and I'm sitting for a bit.

But Please Understand that I know whats before me, I know that I have to have a good out look but please understand that I also need to be able to be down. I need to be able to say this Freaking *****...This Bites , I hate life sometimes..
I would Love to just toss my hands up and Say No More..and I have not started this Race Yet..But You know I won't do that. I have a Son that will be 15 this Feb. 27 and I have 4 other Children and One Grand baby and 2 others I call mine, So with all those Children alone you can Guess I have to stay.
And for Real I have 1 kid left at home my youngest Son and I don't want to go before I see him to the age of 18, I don't think that is too much to ask. I would be grateful to have that. In that time I want to live my life oh and trust me do I know how dumb that sounds but Come on those of you who have had Cancer and made it threw the Chemo and are Cancer free right now..You know what I mean. You know that you have felt the need to live you life to the fullest. But time passes and you soon forget what it was all about and you fall into the rut you were in before and not living your life to the fullest or that you are doing or living life like you would or thought you would.
So Now that I'm looking down the barrel of the Gun and I see the Bullet..Oh Crap...
Well this time I need to Change up the Game So to speak, I need to do a couple of things different. I can't just sit back and think that if I eat different that it will fix this, I can't think if I start to work out daily that this will just go away. I can't think that the chemo will make me all better. I have to know that all those things together and a Freaking Positive attitude and Living Life to its fullest being True to myself , be with the ones that love me and stop thinking that I will do that one of these days start doing those things. Stop thinking it won't happen to you. Because even at beating Cancer 2 times I still took things for granted..I can be honest with you and tell you when I got off Chemo in the Month of March 2010 and Summer hit I knew my Cancer was back and I knew I better start living my life...And each day I felt rushed...Rushed Rushed Rushed because each day was a Tick off a day in my life..and what did I do that day that mattered ...what did I do that day that I felt good about? So as I was trying to work out the Ticking going on in my own head they did a C.A.T. Scan on me and found my Cancer had Come back and this time there is No taking it out.
Well Thanks for reading I will be around for the Next few days getting People wrote back and working on some Paintings and Reading and having Prayer time...and then on the computer and then I want to get this site and Facebook all up to date and then I need everyone to understand I want to keep this site but it might take me time to get back to you. I don't mean to be rude I just can only do so much each day and along with that I don't want to spend all my time on the computer. Is that rude? I sure don't mean it that way. So to let you know I will check this site and My Facebook more often then my Gmail...Thanks for reading Everyone...Big Loves and Hugs...XOXO Rhea  

Praying for time..

Dec 22, 2010 - 9 comments
Tags:

Addiction

,

Panic Disorder

,

Agoraphobia

,

dieing

,

Cancer

,

Anxiety



Oh my gosh does that song fit my life at this moment. I am sorry I have not been able to write each of you back and I have to be honest I do read what everyone writes but I am so tired and at the same time dealing with way too much. I did Kick both my Pill Popping Sisters out of the house..they both pop pills to get high and they take so much there eyes roll..
Those of you who know who I am know I kicked Methadone which I took for Pain and Never have I done something like them. And at this time Everyone in my home does not need to have Pill popping ******** at my house. My 14 year old Son does not need to see his Aunts deal with life that way. It hurts to kick them out, trust me..both my parents are gone, one sister has passed away. And the 2 I have left well, what Can I say they run from life and I have Ideas why they do but for real, Popping Pills and getting so Messed up you can't see ...you have no Idea what you are doing..Well I had to do what I did..

Life is F up write now..I get told I am stage 5 Cancer , You see I was at first told the plan of staying on Interferon for 5 years to keep me Cancer free for 5 years. Well My husband and I went to a few other doctors and because of how sick it made me we went with the risk of going off the Interferon and hopes that it would not come back so soon. So 8 months after I got off here I stand, I have it again. This time they can't take it out of my body, it is on my Main Artier (spelling) from my heart and you can't mess with that. So we will try another Chemo and try to buy some time for me. As I said my last Child at home is 14 almost 15 and I want to sick around for him. My 2 oldest Children will have nothing to do with me, it makes you think wow what did she do to those kids to make them be that way. That is how I would think..Well to be honest with you, I have no idea..I sure was not raised that way. And its hard to think they came from me. Oh and by the way this is my safe place to vent so Vent I will...

I have a Grand Baby I can't see, my daughter just gave Birth to on Dec. 7 and it kills me...oh I know there has been allot of people that say, they will come around...they are just scared and blah blah blah
Well I don't get them, Sorry that Blah Blah Blah does not get it with me.
Well I'm tired now..Been Crying all Morning and my eyes hurt so I'm going to go lay down. Watch something that is happy...
Thank You all for being there and comments back.
I swear Soon I will be able to write you all back...God Bless and thanks for writing me

xoxox ME, Rhea