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Freaking Gonna Scream

Oct 15, 2010 - 3 comments
Tags:

Addiction

,

Panic Disorder

,

Anxiety

,

hurt feelings

,

Parenting

,

Agoraphobia

,

Pain



I am so sick of life and People in it, been working harder then all get out on be Positive but I am pretty Positive that I want to scream I am pretty Positive that I want to Yell at a few people in life and a Couple of those People are my Own Children. Oh My Gosh I am sick of being Walked on I am sick of not saying what I really want to say.. I mean Come on how Can You be on 100% Of the Time? Hmmm I can take Crap and turn it around and You know what some times Lifes *****...it does, Hell I can't take Pain medication because I don't want to have to live on the crap and so I get to live with Pain each day...I get to live with People's Judgment of that and So I kicked that habit and then to move on from that I have just a Load of Crap in my life and I'm so sick of it even getting down to my own kids and that turn around and  talk crap...and I'm tired of it all, is that wrong? I just don't think so , sad Yes it is sad and You know what hurts also, is that they are all into the Money of it all the what dad has, not so much what he gives but that helps but Dad Looks cool and has all that....

You can call me more Natural and Down to earth..was raised with Money and know the Family's in this town from when my parents were alive but you know I'm not that, that was my parents but my x husband has the BMW and the Life that Looks So good but he is so into what he has...and I guess it hurts me more to see the Boys whom I worked so hard with to show them there is more to live then Money and what you have in your house...I am also sick of being the person with No Back Bone...I can't tell you how sick I am of that...Done oh I'm so done...I have to get threw tomorrow's baby Shower I'm doing for my daughter. Sad to word it that way but its true, I'm praying it was her that said things to her dad about my house hold and Now my x husband is saying I'm Too Easy...I let my Son do what ever he wants..OH My gosh..I'm so sick of all the crap oh no worries I'm not going to hurt myself , How I dream of going some place that NO ONE KNOWS....Oh how I dream of that...Its crazy I do think to myself I would miss a few people but really not that many ...What I can't be honest for crying out loud so stuff just goes to hell and it seems that so many of the people I know have gotten so Judgmental and I"m not sure if its me that has changed or them or maybe we have all changed? Wow what would I feel like if my Antidepressant was not working? I think I would be just about freaking out...And I am sorry if I sound Like I'm totally freaking out but I'm just pissed and I'm like Done with not just saying it as it is...Man Done and over that crap...I think I am going to call it a Night............Well thanks for letting me blow off steam....xoxoxo rhea

Learning about me each day

Sep 25, 2010 - 4 comments
Tags:

about me

,

Cancer

,

Addiction

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family

,

Agoraphobia

,

change

,

Anxiety Disorder

,

Panic Disorder



Well it seems each day brings on some new for me to learn or to let go of or to just let go of...and it has kind of amazed me how this time around in my life things have been so crazy..You know the Mom I saw in my head that I was going to be is not the Mom I turned out to be, you know I wanted to be the house that everyone played at...Then I have a crap load of kids and a (X) husband that was gone everyday of the week and came back on Friday Night or Saturday Mor..WOW.....Hence Not together any more, but oh Side Note that make's you feel like a big Failure for giving up....but oh well moving past that little bump in the road..

But you know I did Raise some darn good kids if I do say myself....and Yes I have bitched about my husband but to be honest he is Such a Good Man and I do adore him, bored with him at the time...you can be both..trust me I am..but it is just not matching up with us write at the moment..

And I also find myself looking for who I am and I guess rather then Running off so to speak I will keep my eye's on the Goal...and I think I will try and find a place I can Volunteer and I still need to look into a Cancer Meetings, I think that would really help me to have people who understand going threw Cancer for the 2nd time. And forgive me I will try and word this the best I can so bare with me please as to do with my Cancer...I have had Melanoma 2 times and I don't know about you but I really knew nothing about it...But Gosh darn it is one Bad *** Cancer..You see if you get it in time you can be fine...and Yes Sunbeds give you Melanoma...anyway lets put it this way in regards to getting to it early in May of 2001 I had a freckle Change in each way they talk about it raised and it has uneven edges and it was kind of a dark gray color but it was the size of a pea and it was a freckle anyway my MD when he saw it in May said if it did any of those things I wrote above then I was to go see a doctor he gave me. So by Oct.. it had done all 3 of them so I went and that doctor said I'm Pretty sure this is not Cancer but we should take it off and send it to the labs...4 days later he called me and said "rhea your labs are back and you have Cancer and we need to find out if it has grown into your Nodes...you have a doctors visit in about a hour can you make it ...It very important you get there.     So yes my husband came home from work got a baby sitter and off we went onto a journey that has brought us here........In the year of 2002 to 2003 I did chemo shots at home 3 times a week and then in the year of 2009 that whole year I did the same thing but one shot a week and they wanted me on it for 5 years to give me 5 years of Cancer free....so I went and saw other doctors and they said you are sick on your chemo and it has not proven to give a person that much more life...so they all felt feeling good is better then living with chemo for 5 years and have it not pay..to live what I have and it maybe many years it may not..

But that is not all that is making me learn about me, it sure is a big part and maybe now some can know why I get in a rush in life I feel like I don't know how long I have and so I want to live life and to do things I want to feel like I made a difference in this world..I know going off and moving myself from here that my self will go with me and I sure don't want to let Life daily life pass me by no matter how boring daily life can be, I want to feel it also...Ya I said I want to feel it even when those feelings can hurt you still learn if you are lucky

Along with that I have to tell you I have been blessed with great friends but the best of those friends have been older Women whom I have always been blessed with in my life, you see if you have a older friend in your life and you learn to listen you will hear things that they have done and you know the dance does not change, You listen and you can spare your self some hurt or maybe not hurt so bad...

And Now I'm turning out to be that person with some of the Younger Girls and its a blessing for me..its time for me to give back and I am pleased to do so...
along with that I really am leaning each day...I have changed my views , I have changed my life I ask questions on things and don't just take what others say as the TRUTH all MIGHTY you know what I  mean?

I am thankful for this Journal because I am able to talk about Just how I feel and I can also get feed back and I will keep saying it.........You all are a blessing
Thanks So Much
Rhea

Just got back from HELL

Sep 24, 2010 - 6 comments
Tags:

emotions

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Relationships

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marriage

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Changed

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drug addiction

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Addtiction

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emotional

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Agoraphobia

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Anxtiety

,

Panic Disorder



Hello All,

First off you need to YOUTUBE "Gary Allen " I just got back From Hell" then you will know what I"m speaking of..He say's I have been mad at everyone including God and You..and when you can't find anyone to blame you end up just blamming yourself....And God Forgive me I just got back from HELL.....

OK so let me just lay it out there......Not like I hold back a whole lot...But this is one site that I'm on all by myself , unlike Facebook where my kids and husband are all on it...
so part of my deal is I'm totally bored in my marriage we have been married 10 years together 11 or so and then he has went threw both Chemo's with me and he is a great man, but I have found that when my sex drive finally came back we as always do not match and you know Sex is not everything but it is allot of it and it sure hurts the marriage when you are not inline..
So then to add to my pile of Crap I just want to get the hell away from everything...I swear to you I would Join the Peace Core or the Red Cross, no its not to get away from something because that something will be with me when I get to ware ever I go..but to be honest I'm tired of the same old same old...I'm tired of fighting with my husband because I want sex and he does not , I'm sick of one of my girls I can never do anything Good Enough for her........and I'm really tired of caring what others think of me...Sick of that..........From what Kind of Person I am...to my views on life.....You know I am a pretty Easy going person and I give allot and there for I love allot and I get Hurt allot but that is part of being me...but when you get to the point that you want to get the hell away from it all and You did Just get back From HELL.........What do you do??? I mean come on how much Do I have to do?? Cancer 2 times Count it.........1 year long Chemo 2 times...then 5 kids....one x wife that would not stay out of my life...........a husband that loves me, but ummmm we have hit that wall and he has NO IDEA....I find myself thinking there has got to be more to this life and oh then to top it off from all the above you all know I got off the pain meds and that in it self is a Trip and not so much fun and those of you who know me also know NONE of my family friends doctors none of them know what I went threw......OH I guess a couple of People do and My husband does but you know he is not a big Hey You did a Great Job sort of guy...

And like I said a couple of days ago I have felt sorry for myself and that is OK to feel that way sometimes... this I know but have any of you went threw a stage in your life ware you are changing your view's the way you see things? You know things in your  life you have been living is just not doing it for you  any more? I just am not Happy...Yes I am Alive and Well and but  am I Really Happy Hmm I have to say  No to that ..Oh and everyone wants you realize that life is not always Happy...and Yes  I got that.. duh...but how about  feeling  like you have made a difference? Yes I have raised 4 and half wonderful kids and Yes I still have one left at home so I cant run out that front door so fast, but come on there has to be more to this life and does anyone question things any more? Does anyone else not want to watch BORING MINDLESS T.V. Does anyone else end up watching Documentaries rather then just mindless stuff? I mean I do watch CRAP..Trust me I watch enough of it..but I'm kind of sick of it and what do I do with this restless feeling and how do I talk to my husband how do I change things in my life ??? And Really I want to stop being Scared all the time I want to Really live life...Come on I just got back from Hell.......It is time to Live again......

Bless You for Reading......I would love to let you know I'm writing this listing to Mr. Gary Allen and I love to pour out my heart................Sometimes you just need to......

Thank You All
Rhea


Looking at some photo's

Sep 21, 2010 - 8 comments
Tags:

happy

,

Addiction

,

Anxtiety

,

Panic Disorder

,

methadone

,

Agoraphobia

,

Family & Friends



WOW,


I was looking at some Photo's today that were from after the first Cancer and before the 2nd Cancer...Wow what a difference and how long it took me to get to that Smile again and to feel good about myself to live life to its fullest...oh man I might be feeling a little sorry for myself write now I'm sure I am. But gosh darn it hurts to see that person that seems to be long gone and far from me now...Part of me wants to cry the other part of me is so confused about who I am what am I ok with now in my life what is a 45 year old Women to do? I mean Shoot I don't dress like I did in my 30's and at the same time can't I still be Sexy? Or has that all ended for me? I feel left at a cross road and not sure which way is the way to take? Have you felt like you are at a cross roads before? Been here many times myself but Why does this one feel so different? You know I even find myself asking Is the God that I believe in the Correct God? From those sort of thoughts to Is my Sexy days over? I mean after a Year Of Chemo my sex drive left and has now come back but My Loving Husband who had to go with out also I was not even nice enough to fix it for him during this time, well his drive is not as back as mine. That makes a women who has lived her last Year feeling like CRAP...OH and Yes he is my BEST FRIEND and Lord knows my life would be Crap with out him...I adore my husband it is ME that is having the time of my life ...Every Emotion you can , Well I have it and then I have PMS and OH don't forget I have Menopause oh yes it is fun oh and Lets not forget when I started to feel better I said to myself I have not beat myself up enough, Let me get the Heck Off Pain Pills...lol

Hey that was fun.......If you have done it you know what I'm talking about...I know you won't think I'm telling you the truth but no said "hey Rhea Get off those pills" No they put you on them during Chemo and after all my Surgery"s all 6 of them and then they leave you sitting there....Whatever........so like I said I was feeling Uneasy wondering to myself IS this PAIN Real?  What the HELL it is..................LMAO..........Now what.........???
But that is not all of it nope nope nope...I mean Crap I"m 45 what the heck my life has changed and I only have one kid left at home and lord knows I love him and I am not saying I wish it was different, Nope I'm not saying that I am saying it is still changing. I had 5 at home...Now I have One...along with that, what do I do with my life now? And I'm not big on going out...and you know that is ok...I can stay home all I want and You know what it is OK to feel bad sometimes or to feel sorry for yourself some times...I mean it happens and as long as you let it go and pull up yourself from the boot straps you are OKAY...So why do I find it hard to keep my own words in my own ears?

Well I'm going to post a Couple of photo's that goes with this Journal Entry
Thanks all for reading and Hey They are good Memories


Oh I'm off this week, Meaning I'm just having a bad week and its ONLY Tues. So I will be I hope online later to Talk at you all

Loves ME