Sep 14, 2010
Like so many people in this World our life change from time to time and if you are like me it is often. I have changed my looks and I have changed the Music I listen to and the all so many different types of People I have met and hung out with. Never really caring what others think of me or who I am with.
As I got older I noticed that I did not have the confidence that I wish I had and I let many people put me down and take it to heart. So as I got older I guess I felt that the only thing I was good at was taking care of others. Well Now I am "OLDER" myself and My children are all grown up with one last child all by himself for the next 4 years. I do spend allot of time with him, well off and on he is getting older and wants to spend time with his friends and that also makes me very happy. So I'm not upset if we don't spend as much time together as I like.
So this is my 2nd Marriage and to tell you the truth my first Husband put me threw the ringer, many of my friends felt it was him that caused me to get Anxieties and Panic and Become Agoraphobic ....but you know the panic and anxieties run in my mom's family and oh don't forget the Depression.
So I do think my x husband made it come on faster or stronger and he was of little help or not the help that I needed. So long story short is we divorced after 10 years of marriage and we had 4 children together. 2 boys and 2 girls...well the girls are the oldest and then the boys. I most add a side note, the girls came from a different dad, I know that sounds bad...but him and I had been boy friend and girl friend since I was in 6th grade and he was in 8th. We just did not work as a couple and Oops I became preg. and had a baby girl in 1984 and another in 1986 and yes he wanted to Marry but I did not and figured I got myself in this mess I would get us out...me and the girls that is...
Anyway back to it
So before my x and I split up I had met my husband I am married to now. And No we did not fool around or anything like that....We were friends with his one son and my 3 older children in a Karate Class together.
So about a year and a half after my husband and I met, I got divorced from my x husband and I had not seen my friend in a few Months and then one day I saw him....and we started dating and we have pretty much been together since.
So now to bring us up to date , Kind of..I have had Anxieties and Panic and Depression for years as I said above I have went from - I could not walk out the front door and could not drive or go to the Grocery store and I could not get together with People unless I felt Super Safe around them. So if we knew each other but I did not feel that close to you then I could not do it.
So it is 20 Years Since I got that First Panic and Anxieties and the Depression came later...And now I can drive with in my safety zone and its a fair amount and if I can't get there I ask a friend to go with me or someone to drive me. I have to say that things where much better back in 2001 until Nov. when I found out I had Melanoma Skin Cancer and had to do a Year long Chemo of taking a Shot 3 times a week and pretty much kicked my A...
Then in 2009 I found Out I had Cancer again did a Year long job again and oh don't forget the 6 surgery's that I had a couple on the first one and then a couple more on the 2nd one. Well threw those two Cancer's is when I got put on Pain Pills and I got Fibro. and I still have pain to this day and I'm rebuilding my life. I have had so much Anger and so put off that my life did not turn out how I wanted it too. I guess it is safe to say feeling sorry for myself. And at times no one seemed like they carried or that is the way it seemed to me, you see its a bad habit to get into this type of behavior and you treat people bad and you are lucky if you have any friends left by the time you wake up if you wake up from the dumb things you have done and said.
So I have to tell you that Now Today Sept 14, 2010 I am Happy Again and I am learning how to do things over again and how to love and oh the feelings are a bit much most the time these days but I'm pretty sure that its from the Pain Medication I was on and to be free of that is so cool but I'm not free of the pain and to be honest I can take it for 4 or 5 days and then I can't so I am going to speak to the doctor about it.
But I am on the road to getting better and to learn who I am , What am I going to do??? And above all I want to Love Myself..and Forgive myself and Move on.
So this is my life at this point and time and I have to say its going pretty good, Yes there are things that I need to work on and there are things that I have to realize and become ok with. Like its ok to be a home body its ok to be happy to be a mom.
And to take a risk sometimes and just do something off the cuff..So nope things are not set in stone and Like I said I am feeling much better. I mean my Dispersion is much better, my mood swings are still high but I do think that is from getting off the methadone....years of taking that crap has to do something to you. Heck at this point I'm thinking NA Group might help out..
But this is my life at this point and time and its not so bad...and it is coming along.
Thank You to all of you that have been a strength and given me hope and you let me go on and on...
Bless You All
Loves and Hugs Rhea