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Day One

Aug 27, 2010 - 3 comments

I'm finally doing it.  My last pill was last night around 11pm.  No wds yet except anxiety, nervousness, and depression - all of the above symptoms are because I'm already missing them.  I'm calling in sick to work today so that I can concentrate on this.  All I ask of you is to stay on me to stay clean.  I hate disappointing people, so if I know that I let people down, that may be the key to staying sober.

Addiction Recovery Tracker

Where I am

Aug 21, 2010 - 14 comments

Hi.  Sorry, guys.  I am not sober.............yet.  I was all ready to be on Friday, until I got a call on Thursday from a potential employer for a job interview for today, Saturday.  I knew that I could not do an adequate interview while on Day 2 of wd.  I know.....just another excuse, right?  Yet, I feel this one was justified.  I wanted to be on top of my game so that I could potentially get away from my drug source.  I can't imagine doing a good job today while sweating, aching, crying, and running to the bathroom!  I promise you, though, I'm not giving up!!  Another quit date is just around the corner!!!!!  Wish me luck on the job and getting sober!

And the hits keep coming....

Aug 17, 2010 - 9 comments

I must admit - I second guessed my decision to quit Friday because of today.  My toddler was premature and has been having regular eye exams since then because of this.  She has a weak eye that is turning in, so they put her in glasses to try to straighten it out.  Today was another check up.  The doc is now making her wear a patch over the stronger eye to strengthen the weak one.  It breaks my heart to see her wear it because she has no clue why we're doing it.  We go back in 3 weeks to see if there's any results.  To make matters worse, the doc is more than likely going to recommend eye surgery.  :(  I don't want to even think of her being put to sleep, or recovery, or anything!!!!!!!!!  Plus, there's no guarantee that it'll even work.  I'm so sad about it all!

On top of that, work ***** so bad because of a coworker of mine not pulling her weight and my boss not doing anything about, nor acknowledging my hard work.  Our main pharmacist, who I LOVE to work with, is quitting.  I want out of there so bad, but jobs with pay like mine, are hard to come by.  I'm stuck.

I signed up for 2 online college courses starting next week to try to finish my degree that I started in 1996.  I am now regretting doing that, because I fear I am overloading my brain with work issues, eye appointments, and now trying to get sober. The classes are one thing that I'm trying to do to better myself, but now it feels like it will be another burden and another obstacle.

I only have one grandparent left.  My husband lost his brother, age 21,  due to CF, after rejecting a double lung transplant.  He also just lost his grandpa.  The year my daughter was born (and spent a month in NICU in a town over an hour away) my mom passed 4 months later.  She was found, alone, a day after.  She was everything to me, as my father has never been a part of my life.  3 months after Mom passed, my half-sister also passed away.  She was also alone when she passed, and not found until days later.  My half-brother was just killed on his motorcycle a month and a half ago.  That's 3 people in my immediate family who has died in the last 2 years.  It sounds unreal........that many people I have lost.......but I swear it's true.  I can honestly say that, in my mind, all of this has helped me justify my addiction. I know it's not an excuse, but my mind perceives it as one.

And now, this eye thing.  Uggghhh  

I know I'm rambling.  I know none of this should curb my quit date.  However, I'm lost as to how to go through all of this and try to get sober at the same time.

Thank you for reading.....

Press repeat

Aug 16, 2010 - 12 comments

I feel like I'm already setting myself up for failure.  I didn't even attempt to taper this weekend, and now it's back to work.  I've already taken my normal amount this morning.  I rationalize it in my head, "Well, it's Monday.  I can't taper on a Monday because we'll be busy at work."  I know it's just an excuse, but that's how I've always been....making excuses to not do it.  I'm already experiencing anxiety just thinking of quitting Friday.  Why must I do this to myself?  I'm only 33 and I'm slowly killing myself, physically and spiritually and yet, I still crave them, just like I crave the cigarettes that will eventually take my breath. F*ck me.