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011316

Jan 13, 2016 - 0 comments
Tags:

Love

,

family

,

meds

,

Running

,

Work



Aside from finding out I'm back on split shifts yesterday & loosing 4>5 hrs next week at work,
the rest of the day after work wasn't bad. Michael, Leslie & grandbaby girls came over for
pork roast dinner. Had a few hitches, but that's because Michael likes to be a little early,
(like his momma) & Bob & I were running a little late because Bob couldn't go get pellets &
pickup my meds with out me. Set us a little "running a little late"  & Michael in the kitchen makes
momma real distracted. Annoyed with myself for getting a little agitated & all. Proud I didn't let myself ruin the night,
They didn't get to stay late, snow coming down real good so they headed home earlier than I'd wanted
But, I understood & really was quite content when they left.
Love those little family moments.
Love that Michael still loves his mommas cook'n!
Thankful for Those family times

010716

Jan 07, 2016 - 0 comments
Tags:

Depression

,

Work

,

Life

,

Love

,

Cold



Has snowed heavily the last few days.
Watched  woodpecker finding bugs from our maple out front. Watched for about an hour
before she finally got her fill (good riddance to the bugs)

Got Bob hooked on Falling Skies, now I have to start over from the beginning so he can
see them all.

Seems like Bobs going to get to work again tomorrow. They don't understand, a "day off for them is
Awesome for them & doesn't hurt them... When they enjoy a day off & make everyone else take the day too
We pay by either me working another shift or not being able to buy the little things, like gas & meats...

Can't seem to get that room painted. Really trying but it's way more than I ever thought it could be.

Changing from such a dark room to a bright, light room takes way more than a simple "face lift"
However, what has been finished is absolutely Awesome!

Looking into rental insurance. Not liking the situation of things here with all the heavy snow on the roof...
Some pretty serious soundage from the roof/attic area the last few days. Landlord however, would rather
start complaining of the water usage & try to blame us for the pump house elect bill than fix or admit anything
is wrong, (even though, there is a frozen lake above where our water pipe used to be
& we're now "luck" on a good day, to be able to shower with at least 1 gph.  I would love to have an inspector come look over this place, (if I weren't so scared of having no where to go with my hens & roosters...
I'd be mighty cold (& Awful Stinky, Messy camping in tents this time of year, with my critters... lol)
Gotta be able to giggle a little or life could drive one insane...

Would love it if he could get the VA Certification for buying a home. Get something that we want
that we could keeps our chickens & have a real working farm with out a landlord consistently raising
rent every time we plant a garden or allow a chick to hatch...

He still needs to go back to Alaska. I know he would never be happy leaving there. Having this crappy
work situation here in this little town makes it even harder on him. He feels helpless.

I'd love to live up there again, "IF" My Michael & grandbabies were there... OR if, I could afford to come back
several times a year. Neither of which I see happening in the next few years.
I can't go through that depression of being up there all alone, so far from them like that again.

I Really do miss SO Much about Alaska! I just don't miss the long lonely depressing
winters, so alone...

I'm stuck between 2 worlds. The world with my son & grandbabies controls my sanity...




010616

Jan 06, 2016 - 0 comments

Last few days have been SO Much better...

Well, after the argument that led Bob to leave for 1 of his "thinking walks..."
It was snowing steadily & had been for most of the day.

I say in the dark on the sofa till some time in the middle of the night I must have fallen
asleep, because the sound of the pellet stove woke me after 3am.

Figured he'd just walked to Michaels so I restarted the stove & went to bed a little angry/irritated...

When my alarm went off in the morning for work, I got up & peeked in on
the empty spare room (thinking maybe, he came back with out me knowing...)

On my way to put my coffee pod into my machine I noticed his usual night clothing
with his slipper boots were untouched...

I texted my son Michael to see if he was there & when he said, "nope" I nearly
felt manic because it hadn't stopped snowing all night. I asked Michael if this is when I should call the police he said yes but see if he went to Daves 1st...

Long story short, Dave found him on the property & had him come home because I was worried.
The good that came from this was I was pretty worried/relieved when he walked back in...
I scolded him but kept asking why he would do that to me???

He was just trying to deal with what he felt was his inability to fix anything, (landlord, heat, water, finances issues...)

We were able to start talking again, (finally, after several weeks... We were communicating again)

Not so lonely any more.. Did that for more than 20 years with prev husband... Had told him, I can't
go through that again & won't...  We're always going to be fine as long as he doesn't shut me out...
As long as we continue to communicate.

Now, not sure what to do about this land lord issue.

That's a Whole Other **** Storm...


010216

Jan 02, 2016 - 1 comments
Tags:

Cold

,

thoughts

,

meloncholy

,

Depression

,

loss

,

Seasonal depression



Another day... Another dollar. Nothing new.

Pretty foggyish & hard to focus (yet, completely focuses at same time... Unable to explain that...)
still. Wonder if it's something to do with 1 of my new Vitamins or the short days, cold snap,
finances, or, That sad time of the year I think of Justin.. Maybe it's just everything.

Still empty... Maybe I'm blocking emotions so I don't get sad again.  I don't know, really
"not here" yet completely unable to shut my thoughts off...

Explain that one...

Kind of maybe in a day dream state making my way through each day lately.
Briefed by periods of emotion...

Know I'm thinking because I'm functioning... Not sure really..