Apr 30, 2009
Ugh...I'm not sure why I sometimes make a bigger deal out of things than need be, but I do. Then I feel angry at myself and I want to retract everything I've said and done. I've just spent the last 2 or 3 hours here at work crying off and on. Why? Because I made a mountain out of a molehill. Or did I? Sometimes I can't trust my own feelings! I know being pregnant makes me more emotional and sensitive. I cry easily over things. But, I'm trying to find the root of this sad feeling. On Tuesday Ben, Brody and I had lunch. He had the day off, the girls were in school and they met me downtown for a burger. It was nice. I reminded Ben that Brody had speech therapy on Thursday at 3:30. He simply said "That won't work, I'll be in Lake City at my parents house. Maggie and Andy (his sister and her husband who live in Omaha) are coming and I'm going to go see them and work on the trailer." We have a trailer that he wants to make sides for so we can use it to haul stuff when we go camping. I was a little surprised, because he hadn't even told me. I love Maggie and Andy and their kids. I love trips to Lake City visiting with his family. He hadn't asked if I wanted to go. His excuse was that he had just found out about it the day before and hadn't had a chance to tell me. Fine. I understand that. My next concern was that he didn't ask me to go. Well, the rest of us (the girls and I). I asked if it was alright if we came. He said if we wanted to go that was fine, we would just have to come after I get off work. I asked if maybe he could just wait until I get off work. I get off work at 3:30 but could leave an hour early at 2:30. It doesn't make sense to take two vehicles. It's an hour drive one way. He said he wanted to get there and start working on the trailer. I left it alone.
Fast forward two days. This morning while we were still in bed he asked me if the girls and I were going to drive to Lake City after work today. I said yes, but that I still didn't understand why he can't just wait so we don't have to take two vehicles and waste gas. He told me he didn't understand why I was making such a big deal out of it. I asked if he wants us to go and he said he didn't care. Of course, then I was hurt. I said "You don't care if we go? I would like you to care." He just said "Good Lord" and rolled over in bed. End of discussion. I dropped it.
So I call him from work and tell him we will see him in Lake City tonight. He says that since it's raining out he probably won't be working on the trailer. I tell him then maybe we can ride together after all. He says "It's not that big of a deal, I'll just see you there". I say, "Well, if you're not working on the trailer then I don't see why you can't wait for us to get home so we only take on vehicle." He says "I don't understand why you're giving me such a guilt trip about this." So, about to cry because I'm emotional, I said, "I have to let you go" and I hung up the phone.
I get a text message from him saying "I love you too!" It was sarcastic obviously, because I hung up and didn't say the usual "I love you" at the end of the phone call. So, I tell him in text back, that I do not understand why he thinks I'm giving him a guilt trip and why it's such a big deal to wait for us, being that he said he didn't think he would work on the trailer. Then, I start getting more upset, crying at work, and text to him "Thanks for making me cry, I love it when that happens at work." He writes back "FINE, I'll wait for you to get off work and we'll drive together. Happy now?"
WHAT?! Happy now? NO! I'm not...I shouldn't even have to beg him to wait for me. Should I? I know I made a big deal out of this and a lot of it is being overly sensitive due to being pregnant but I think I have figured out the root of it (for me). I feel that the girls and I are segregated at times. Maybe I bring some of that on myself, but I feel he wants to get there and spend time with his family without the girls and I there and for some reason that really hurts. We are a family. Am I being stupid? Probably.
So now I have to figure out what I'm going to say. I have to figure out if I want to open this can of worms with how I am feeling with the girls and I feeling a bit separated at times, or if I want to just chalk it up to pregnancy hormones and apologize and move on. I just somehow always feel that my feelings are never justified, they are minimized and I am always the one in the wrong. Maybe I am, I don't know. Just feeling really emotional and I guess it's not really that big of a deal. Or is it?
PS-if you comment on my journal, don't tell me what you think I want to hear. Tell me what you truly think! In other words, don't sugar coat it ;)