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Step One

Jul 11, 2014 - 0 comments
Tags:

Addiction

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step one

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Work

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Cold

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withdrawal

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family



"We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable."

I believe that Admitting to everyone involved in my life that I AM AN ADDICT and am helpless over my addiction (as opposed to just myself) has hinder me to pusher further and has let me actually fall back into the same habits of active addiction to detox and then relapse. It's the shame factors that has kept me from doing it and my own attitude that if I want something to happen I will, I really am a doer, I just ended up putting them energy into the wrong thing.

So what different from the last time I was detoxing, well I have started to hate everything about what I was doing, spending a day or every afternoon going to each and every chemist I could find to get my pills (Codeine is OTC here in Australia FYI) I dont remeber the last time I was actual high and the weeks and ever months would just fly  by that it was so scary. I have been so withdrawn from my family and friend just as I couldn't even remember to call them on a weekend bases. I put strange priorities on my work to try and make sure I was always there and not taking any time off not looking after myself. I would take even more just to get through work.

THe last 2 or 3 months I have been since more weeks than not and that's not due to running out or detoxing it was a cold or virus, my body has become some worn out, I was so tired all the time.

It early this week that  I felt so physically sick as I was going to take my handfuls of pills and had a thought that I most likely would want to die then to keep living like this I can't stand it.. The other side of my addict brain thought well we can both be happy take more pills and you can die and I can be high for a bit WIN WIN hey..
Stupid idea but otherwise done, this way after that day on THursday I decided It's either a clean Ryan or a Dead Ryan, nothing in between.

So far 48 hours and I'm actual ready for the withdrawal but I think I'm also flu or cold sick as I had a cough on Thursday and has got worse and worse due to the the withdrawals.

No Truer words - addicts

Jun 25, 2014 - 1 comments
Tags:

sick

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TIRED

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abuse

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stop

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drugs

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afraid

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die



I've been reads the forums with answers to questions and how others have been battled through their first few days and weeks of detox & withdrawal.

I always like to see the two sides of both each story or life as such.

One thing that I really I read that was talking about family of addicts and helping them; but this really spells out the truth of addiction and coming to terms with it.

"We can beg. Plead, cry, fight with them about their drug abuse. Until they are sick and tired of being sick and tired, hit their bottom, afraid they are going to die that's when they will stop.
We try to help them and it becomes enabling."

Truth be told I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and yep I'm scared that death is around the corner if I keep on this path.!!

What is left, I'm not living anymore..

Jun 22, 2014 - 1 comments
Tags:

Addiction

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living

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Hope

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sleep

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Life



I'm just getting by from day to day or it's getting my by pills and pills...

I'm finding that I am good at one thing and that is sabotaging my own recovery and continuing my addiction which is spiralling  down down and out of control.

I don't feel like I have any hope any more I felt like I have failed at getting clean soo many times that this is the only thing I'm good at.. failing :(...  

I need to get clean, I want it all to stop, I'm getting sicker more often and as zoo many people have said, I'm zoo sick and tired of being sick and tired..

But complying about it isn't going to get me anywhere, just need to write this out.

I need to taper down then stop, I getting my calendar out and writing down how I'm going to do this, I'm getting some clonidine, melatonin (it's no avail OTC here in Australia) and some to help me sleep for a week.

So going to schedule it and write it down and actual do it, as my life, my job, my relationship and my EVERYTHING is depending on me going clean and staying clean...

...... Why can't I do this, ...GOTTTTTTA to do this.... Lets do this, otherwise my bottom/ low point will be me ending up on my death bed soon wish I had stopped using so much sooner or dead, as simple as that... This life I have chosen has a short expire date..

Not using.. It's just hit me.

May 23, 2014 - 1 comments
Tags:

not-using-today

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reading

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Back

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pills

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using

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not?



At this point of time I'm not clean but I'm planning on reducing, taping and go off in the next few weeks early-mid June.

I have been reading about relapse prevention and over my past post to seen if I can get things ready for this time.

I was reading someone else post on this subject and it was like reading a post from myself;

"i always relapsed -- it was just a matter of time and deep inside i knew that i was a failure waiting to happen. " this was/is my thinking that all was my undoing, I never gave myself a pat on the back for getting through clean for TODAY, it was yes I'm clean for today but what about tomorrow or next week, what's around the corner the pill monster is there waiting for me.

However it's really hit me I've heard it in meeting and in books and other people, live for TODAY believe that you only need to be clean TODAY and forget about tomorrow next week or next month they will come, but focus on TODAY as that's all that matters.

Just keep at it with the gold of " I not going to use TODAY", the future doesn't exist yet and just do everything to not use TODAY. It's all about not-using today..

It's all of a sudden made sooo much sense to me today.

I can't focus on the future or control it but I can control today, now that's what I do have the power over and I need to make it through TODAY before making it through another day or even thinking about it..