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Repeating myself for too long, this has an expiry date.

May 23, 2014 - 0 comments
















I've been listen to the words to JESSICA MAUBOY  "Never Be The Same", funny how some songs you feel like you can relate to at different points in our life;

Just sharing some of the words;

Let me tell you about a girl that I used to be,
Same name same face but a different me,
She didn't know what she was thinking,
Didn't know her world was sinking,
Had her dreams written on a paper in her hand,
Held on tight but she didn't understand,
The love and hurt that she's replacing,
All the past that she's erasing,
We all get lost sometimes and we forget who we are and we forget who we are

Somewhere along the way, we're all running in the crazy race,
Never thinking about the hearts we break,
And as our hope starts fading away things are never gonna be the same,
Cause when you're standing there all alone,
Losing everything you've ever known,
You're staring at a different face things are never gonna be the same,

Guilt --- Note to self

Feb 08, 2014 - 1 comments

note to self








drug addiction

While feeling guilt and reading many thing over the net I found some good info by change, thought I'd share with myself and who ever decides to read :)

10 Tips For How To Cope With Feelings Of Guilt In Addiction Recovery

1. Face it.

Face the feelings of guilt. Release feelings of guilt by talking about them, sharing, confessing, getting honest.

2 Learn to forgive yourself.

Do you judge yourself too harshly?

3. Examine the origins of your guilt.

Is the reason that you feel guilt rational and reasonable? Inappropriate or irrational guilt involves feeling guilty in relation to something that in reality you had little or nothing to do with or in relation to something that in reality was beyond your control.

4. Change.

Change the related behavior so that the action or actions triggering feelings of guilt and remorse cease. Simply put: If something you are doing is causing you to feel guilty, then stop doing it and you will no longer have a reason to feel guilty any longer.

5. Clarify.

Clarify new values for yourself and take realistic action in the present instead of dwelling on the past. Think about positive action you can take in your life now to feel better. You are never too old to reevaluate your goals, values and priorities for the better

6. Practice.

Practice forgiving others, helping others and doing good for others. Learning to empathize and forgive others can help you to learn to forgive yourself.

7. Apologize or just seek peace.

Is there something you can say or do in order to try to show that you are willing to make peace where there has been hurt, conflict, or disagreement?

8. Let go.

The past is the past, so at some point, even if there are things you have done to hurt others, if you are sorry now, you need to let them go. Or, if you are truly remorseful over something you have done wrong in the past and you tried to make peace or amends, you can still forgive yourself even when others do not forgive you. By the same token, if someone who hurt you is sorry, learn to let it go yourself so you can forget about the hurt and then focus on moving forward

9.Commit to the present.

Was there a legitimate cause for your past actions that was beyond your control at the time? For example, perhaps you hurt others while you were experiencing untreated mental illness or as the result of active drug or alcohol addiction that you are now making efforts to properly care for. Instead focus on behavior change which will influence better decisions in the present and future.

10. Avoid shame.

Shame is a basic feeling of inferiority. Shame involves the perception of oneself as a failure or feeling unacceptable to others. Shame can involve feeling “flawed” “unworthy” or “not good enough”.

Shame often involves forgetting or disregarding the fact that we are human and we make mistakes but that alone does not make us less of a person. Shame is about self- blame and is directly linked to low self-esteem. Shame often comes from the negative messages we may have received as children from our family of origin. (People who were put down or insulted as children, either directly or indirectly, may end up much more prone to shame-based thinking as adults, although this does not always have to be the case)

God willing I will walk a clean man.

Feb 05, 2014 - 1 comments

I'm walking and typing so sorry about the typos..

After relapsing on day 11 and now back to day 2 , yesterday I took the day off work feeling very unwell both physically and mentally, I need to mme first for a change and put all my faith in my higher power, I've started after care things but not enough... I'm truly powerless over this addiction and god willing Ill be and stay a clean sober man.. I'm finding that my sobriety is worth so much more to me and worth more than gold...  

Please God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; ..

Well that's got me a little to emotion to start work with need to sit outside for a bit before going in... However a prayed this morning to have the strength to work to walk and that I have an almost 1mile... Amen

Turning the tides of time...

Jan 27, 2014 - 1 comments

Just updating myself (and anyone else reading) of where I am mentally and physically and addicticly.
I've done 5 days free of my DOC and while it hasn't been the worst physically, me tall and emotionally it done a number on me this time... I had been tapering down for about a 1 or 2 weeks before which lessen the blow but for the first time in years and years I was suicidal... I was so depressed in withdrawals knowing thinking I had two choices keep taking the pills and depression and withdrawals go away or I take all the pills I have in my draw then everything goes away. The only catch was I was going to die either way I go, one being a little shortly then the other. I recently went back to my doctor at the start of last week as I was worried about the damage done to my liver as there was tightness and sometimes a pain on the right side... We we confirmed my poor liver had taken a good pounding and my doctor commended me with effort to keep on the clean path and warned that I should want to stay there as if I don't my liver will go past being able to reapir itself. .. So I was faced with killing myself either way ironically... So as I lied on the sofa after having a bath a thought I didn't want to keep taking thoses pills and had a weird thought that I didn't want them to be the death of me it had to be something else, I kept thinking about death for a bit and then prayed... The one good thing about the withdrawals was that I couldn't be stuffed getting my arse off the sofa to down fists full of pill or even be bothered to think about jumping off the ledge of our apartment... My laziness actually saved my life that a first muhahah... At least I can still laugh.... After that day the feelings got less and less and in really felt like why waste this chance to see what's up a head I've only got 3-4 day clean things are meant to be messed up in my head... I think I've managed to tell myself that if I wasn't feeling like killing myself I not doing the withdrawals right, but I think and hope that I've made the right decision, life and to live it clean and knowing that with my medical state that if do decide to replase it's going to be deadly...

So after 3 days a not much I'm finally back at work and first day I haven't taken anything in the morning for headaches or aches or pains but just worked through them, I'm actually making it through the day.. My night are bad sleep was never my good suit but in look forward to better days and finding new pathways through meetings, postings here and professional help.

That's where I'm at today 28th Jan 5 days clean and needing that number to grow...