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My crazy thoughts about infertility

Aug 31, 2012 - 5 comments

Well I had a little meltdown this evening.  Had to get some of my frustrations out.   Figured I might as well write them out and have some fun with it.  Feel free to add!

- I hate how the medications make me feel.   I am so bloated I couldn't find any comfortable pants to wear to work
      today    So I just said screw it and wore a skirt and open toe shoes  (against policy but who cares!)

-  I hate that sometimes I get sad and think my husband won't want me because I can't give him kids.  (even though
      he  is amazing and reassures me we are in this together and doesn't feel that way)

- If I was 10 years younger and was a crack ***** I would probably have 5 kids by now

- That there are people in this world who get pregnant so easy and decide to terminate

- How my brother-in-laws sister has a kid and doesn't care about him and is not a good parent to her child because
       she is selfish and puts her needs first.   (cops have threatened to take the child away if it things continue)

- That a day hasn't gone by in over 2 years that I haven't thought about "what if I never get pregnant"

- That I did everything right - I was a responsible kid, never did drugs, hardly drink, got a good job, married a great
    man, bought a house planning to have kids,  bought an SUV for my so called future children--- just to be told it may
    never happen.  

- I hate that none of my family and friends really know the heartache I have dealt with for 2 1/2 years and probably
      never will

- That if this doesn't work adoption is so expensive and it makes me feel like I have to purchase my child

- I hate how much pressure I feel on myself for this time to work knowing it is my last attempt.

Ok that is enough for now.  Just want to get all my negative thoughts out of my head so I can think only think happy positive thoughts for the next week!  

2 Week Wait!

Aug 30, 2012 - 1 comments

I have been trying to stay so positive with this last IVF.   It is hard knowing that if this doesn't work then it is game over for us.   I am praying for a miracle.   I went back to work today and it was challenging.  One of the girls  just found out she is pregnant.   I am happy for her but I can't handle her complaining.   People at work know that I have struggled in this area but have no idea what treatments I have had or the emotional roller coaster of infertility.    It is crazy that I have planned out my life to have a family.   I have done everything to try to get pregnant.  And it just comes so easily for others.   I am happy for her and don't want to feel anger or jealousy.    She is a immature person and complains about everything in life.   All the other employees were joking at lunch that this is gonna be a long 9 mths with her complaining.  So I know it is not just me.   I think it just hurts me on an emotional level.   I had to keep from crying at work today.    
    Plus I have another friend whose baby shower is the day after my Beta test.   I RSVP'd yes already.   I am hoping I can make it through all this.   I don't want my friends to think I am mad or hate them because I can't get pregnant.   Mentally it is just the timing of all this that is the hardest.  

   I pray for the strength to get through this and not become bitter or angry.  I want to just accept whatever the outcome may be and live my life to the fullest no matter what happens.   I have already isolated myself on some level because of this and it isn't healthy.  

Egg Transfer

Aug 27, 2012 - 0 comments

Monday-  8-27-12

Today was such a long day.   I had an interesting morning.  I woke up ok but about 1 hour later I had excruciating abdominal pain that radiating to my rectum and perineum.  It was burning and very sudden onset.  It lasted 30 min then gave me a break and started up again.  It was so awful.   I couldn't even sit or get comfortable.  I was in tears and my husband didn't know what to do for me.   I thought maybe i was constipated-  sorry for the TMI-   but this was a major issue for me last time.   So I took some natural laxatives.

  I then had my acupuncture appointment at 10am.   Last time they told me to take my valium after I talked with the RE--- but I wasn't relaxed at all during the last ET and was really uncomfortable.  SO this time I took it earlier.  

My transfer was at 12pm.  I was ready to go with my full bladder just waiting for the doctor... when all of a sudden the laxatives hit me.  I thought I could hold it but then realized there was no way!    I was in such a panic because I didn't want to empty my bladder.  I had no choice but to go to the bathroom.  It was so embarrassing .  The nurse told me to only empty half my bladder.  I was horrified to have to tell her it wasn't my bladder that was the problem.  Ugh what  day.     Note to self!  Never take laxatives before procedure!  ha ha.   I had to down another bottle of water.  

I asked my RE what this pain may have been that I had this Am.  He said it sounded like I probably had a ruptured corpus luteum cysts.  

Anyways..... Egg transfer went well after that.   I transferred one 8 cell and two 3-4 cell.   It was so amazing to watch.

Then I went and had another acupuncture treatment afterwards.  By then the valium had really kicked in and I fell asleep.    When he came in to take out the needles I though I was asleep at home.  It was a good way to relax.  

Now the 2 Week wait begins.  I pray this time works as it is our last time trying.  My husband made me laugh when he said.... what if we had triplets?   I told him I would take anything I could get.   The idea of twins freaked me out before!  Now I just want a miracle to happen so we can have a family!  

Egg Retrieval

Aug 25, 2012 - 1 comments

Egg Retrieval 8-24-12
     Procedure went well.   Was told they had 10 follies- but maybe 9 looked mature.    

   Update-  I just can't catch a break.   Got the call that again all my eggs were immature.   So no ICSI.   Out of the 12 only 2 fertilized.    My RE seemed sad and just as confused by the results as we were.   Now he wants to make it a 3 day transfer instead of 5 in the hopes that my body will be a better incubator then the lab.   I really don't know what to think or how to feel right now.   I am so devastated.   It is hard to remain hopeful at this time.