Wednesday 7/28 I started having contractions around noon. I would have a big one and then a few small ones every two hours or so and so I thought nothing about it, but I was uncomfortable. My mom and I got to leave the hospital for a little while to take a break (Destinee is still in the hospital from her chemo treatment...we had a friend come sit with her while we left). My mom was begging me to go to the doctor because she knew something was happening. I refused...I wasn't ready...everything was planned, I was having the baby Friday and I just refused to believe otherwise. We got back to the hospital and I was having more frequent short contractions but very inconsistent. I took a shower to relieve some of the pain and it helped for a minute but the relief didn't last long. My mom got into my cellphone and called my doctor while I was in the shower and the doc told her that I should come in if it didn't stop or came more consistent. I still didn't want to go but my mom had already called my aunt to come pick me up from Destinee's hospital to take me to my delivering hospital.

10:00pm we arrived at L&D. They put me on the monitors and I was contracting every 3 minutes and I was 5 cm dialated almost completely effaced. They said well you will be having the first baby of July 29th. I was shocked and completely didn't expect it. They admitted me and got me in a room. They checked me when I got settled and I was 7 cm. They called my doc to update her. She was in another town 20-30 miles away so they told her to be on her way. About an hour later the baby's heart rate kept dropping, they said something was happening, they checked me and I was 10 cm the baby was right there. They called the doc and she was still not there yet. They had me roll from side to side to keep the heart rate up until the doc got there. Well I rolled to one side then rolled to the next....we heard what sounded like a cats meow...we all looked at each other like where did that come from then realized....the baby had came out on her own and was laying between my legs under the cover. We lifted the cover and there was my princess sucking on her hands. Not even crying until they picked her up. We were shocked, amazed, beside ourselves, we could nnot believe what had just happened....And I didn't feel it at all.

Nonetheless my little girl is here...on her own time...she was 5lbs 15oz 19.25 in long. Beautiful and perfect in everyway.

We came home yesterday morning but I had to go see Destinee first because I knew how much she was wanting to see her sissy. She was so in love and I was so overjoyed to see them together. Its killing me to have to stay home and away from my Destinee but I know I have to heal. I want us all together. I will be going back to the hospital on Monday with the baby to stay with Destinee for the remainder of her stay there, hopefully only until next weekend.

Im off to post pics...check them out!

Today has been a wonderful and relaxing Mothers Day. My DD has been doing great and was so excited to honor me today, she has been counting down for a week. DD started saying her head was itching today so I decided to wash her hair. I knew I was about to face the inevitable. I wet her hair and started rubbing it with shampoo... when I pull my hand away it has hair on it...I realize that her treatments have caught up with her...her hair is falling out. I knew it was coming but I didn't want to believe it could happen to my baby girl. I wanted to cry the entire time I was washing her hair but her little face just kept smiling up at me. Then afterwards I was combing her hair out and when I was done there was a thick line of hair collected on the comb. I quickly covered it up because she loves her hair so much she is going to be devasted when she starts to notice the loss. Until it is noticeable I am not going to say anything to her because if I say something now but she can't see a change then she will obsess about it and make herself upset over and over again. I am beside myself and devastated, I can't believe this is happening to my baby girl.

Saturday evening my daughter woke up screaming and crying uncontrollably. She was unresponsive and very weak. Her arms and legs were limp and she was is hysterics. We called the ambulance and they brought us to Childrens Hospital. In the ER she was compalining of a headache so they did a CT scan. An hour later the doctor came into the room and said they had found a mass in the right ventricle of her brain and it was blocking the flow of spinal fluid causing backup in the brain which was causing pressure aka the headaches. They admitted her that night to the PICU to keep a close watch on her. She went into surgery tuesday morning at 7:30am and was back in her room at 4pm. They were able to remove the entire tumor however part of it was attached to the brain so she will need further treatment to keep it from regrowing. The preliminary diagnosis is Primitive Neural Epidermal Tumor. Without treatment the survival rate is very low. So we are opting for treatment. They said that she would probably have to have chemo or radiation once a month for a year and CT scans every three months for two years.

I am jus beside myself and don't know what to do. I have had maybe 5-6 hours of sleep in the last five days being here at the hospital. I am eating every chance I get because I know that I need to stay healthy for the baby. Docs say she is looking good. She is recovering well. She has a drain coming out of her head and a pick line in her arm because she blew two IV's in the first two days. She hates the tubes and hates that she has to use a bed pan. She has some weakness in her left side so she is getting physical therapy everyday. Her center of gravity is off, she has a hard time sitting up straight unassisted and when walking she has to be assisted as she leans to the left.

The outcome looks okay but we are still waiting for the pathology report to come back and give us an absolute answer and plan for the future.

My husband and I have been having a few problems since I have been pregnant or at least the problems we had before have escalated. He has become very immature and pretty much nonexistant in my life the past few months. He has not attended one doc appt and he has been staying outside of the house all weekend every weekend. Well he has become a completely different person than when I married him. He has been spending money like water, he is 30 and is acting lik he is a teenager trying to go out and party all the time. To top it of he lost his job three weeks ago so I have lost my insurance and now I have to change OB's (I am really pissed about that!!). My daughter who is not his biological but he has been in her life since she was 2, he called her a Motherf**ker while she was in the room and he and I had a huge arguement about that and I asked him to leave because I couldn't have someone like that around my child anymore. He saw no problem with him saying that to her. He left thursday and the following monday I called and asked what he was gonna do...whether he was gonna step up and mature or if he was coming to get his things. He told me he was coming to get his things! So he moved out on wednesday. Well I found out Saturday that he is living with another woman who he always said was his friend, but she is a lot more than that. He has been cheating on me since long before I got pregnant!!! I am not upset that he is with someone else, I am upset because he let me go through all the poking and proding of fertility not to mention the cost for us to get pregnant all the while he is sleeping with someone else and ends up leaving me 5 months into my pregnancy. WTF!!! I know I can raise this baby alone, I raised my daughter for the first two years of her life by myself so I know I can do it. I am just dumbfounded that he waited until now to do this. My family is enraged because he pretended to be someone different than his real self and then waits until life changing things happen to dip out.

Sorry jsut needed to vent!!!! I am furious!!!!