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Why???

Aug 08, 2012 - 0 comments
Tags:

Insomnia



I kept waking up every two hours. This sux!!! I need help. I can't keep doing this. I'm about to lose my freakin mind.

Sleep Tracker

Well now I've gone and done it...

Aug 08, 2012 - 0 comments
Tags:

depressed

,

Eating

,

Weight

,

sick



I hate being depressed. The only good part about it is that since I'm a rapid cycler, it'll be over soon. Ugh. I just feel so icky. I eat WAY too much and far past the point of being full. It's like I'm not trying to fill the emptiness in my stomach-- I'm trying to fill the emptiness in my world. It's not possible so I just keep eating until I feel sick.

Maybe this is why I can't control my weight. I was a healthier weight when my mood was stable.

Mood Tracker

Starting to 'feel' bipolar again

Aug 07, 2012 - 0 comments
Tags:

Bipolar Disorder

,

no meds

,

moody

,

desperateate

,

awful sleep



*sigh*
It's been so long since I've actually felt like I had this disorder. I know it sounds strange but it's true. Once my moods were stable, I never, really felt bipolar. I had a few mood swings here and there, but nothing what I had before my diagnosis.

I'm not sleeping well again. My moods are all over the map again. I have trouble concentrating again (and this is by far the most frustrating!). I'm having trouble keeping things straight in my head. I have NO motivation to do ANYTHING. My energy comes in spurts. I'm anxious about everything all the time. It's just the lowest of the low. I'm lucky to have had no psychosis so far. I seem to be keeping that at bay, but I'm not one to take those kinds of chances. I'm going to call my pdoc today and see if I can schedule an appointment within the next couple of weeks. I have a little money saved up and hopefully I'll be able to buy at least one medication to get me back on track. I'm fed up with these moods. I want my calm, serene self back!

Mood Tracker

I've made up my mind...

Aug 04, 2012 - 0 comments
Tags:

regaining self confidence

,

Nutrition

,

Weight

,

stress



I am D-O-N-E with diets!!! I swear, I keep losing and regaining the same 10 lbs over and over. I'm so frustrated! I'm too short to be so heavy, honestly, but what choice do I have. I've tried everything. Maybe once I stop trying so damn hard I will finally start to lose and keep it off. Kinda like when couples who are ttc and having trouble stop trying and just relax, they finally get pregnant. Well, I'm taking that stance now. I'm not gonna go overboard and just pig out like I usually do when I regain weight I just lost. I'm going to be disciplined and make smarter food choices, but not with military-like zeal. No more meal tracking. No more calorie counting. No more carb avoiding. No more points. No more exercising to unhealthy extremes.

What I will do is exercise portion control. Now that I have a virtual freakin PhD in food and nutrition (due to all the mountains of books I've read and online research I've done), I have a better idea of what a portion should look like. I will also enjoy my food. If I want it, I will no longer deny myself, but I won't gorge myself on it. There is always tomorrow when I can have more if I'd like. I will eat sensibly and stop falling into these fad diets that seem to work for everyone but me. I will exercise. I will move more in general. No more prolonged hours of sitting. I will make smarter food choices as a rule. I will continue to eat grilled and baked meats (when I eat meat-- I'm more of a vegetarian than I'm not). But if I want fried chicken for dinner with the kids one night, I will share the meal with them. I will continue eating mostly fruits and veggies. I will enjoy desserts more now, knowing that I won't have to wait months (after I 'lose weight') to add all that sweet yummyness back to my diet. I will be happy with my meals and not stress over what I'm eating (or not eating). I will also buy larger clothes so that I can feel better about the way I look NOW. I will no longer deny myself the benefits of looking good in my clothes simply because I've lost my size 0 figure. I will learn to appreciate my body now as it is.

And if with these changes I still end up overweight, so be it. I'm tired of thinking about food so much. I'M DONE!!

Weight Tracker