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Non-Neighborly Behavior

Sep 15, 2013 - 4 comments
Tags:

Panic Disorder

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Panic Anxiety Syndrome

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Panic attacks

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Anxiety Disorder

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stress

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Agoraphobia

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monophobia

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Behavior



“The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.” ― G.K. Chesterton

“Neighbors, I’m on the fence about them. 
” ― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

I went to dry my clothes at the laundromat a block away from my house around 3 PM today. I left the laundromat at 3:06 PM.I went home and came back around 4:20 PM to get my clothes. Both times, I had my dog with me. Although, my dog was barking, he was only outside for 5-7 minutes each time. A man that lives on the street that the laundromat is on said that my dog had been barking non-stop for two hours, which is completely untrue because I came back home to watch the football game before coming back to get my clothes. I need my dog for emotional support. I suffer from panic attacks and anxiety disorder (along with agoraphobia and monophobia). That is the only reason why I had my dog with me. I have been a resident of my neighborhood for 17 years, and have never been treated the way I have been today. I am afraid to go back to the laundromat because I cannot go alone and this is the closest laundromat to my home. I am humiliated because this man who did not know me, berated me in public, which, has made my anxiety worse. I tried to go back by myself, and I could not do it. It was physically painful. I wish I could put this man in my shoes for one week.

He said he only came out there because his wife said that my dog had been barking for two hours, and their baby needed to sleep. Keep in mind that this man lives on a street where there is a constant flow of traffic, and the street parallel to them has a steady bus route going down it. I'm pretty sure if someone complained or lied on his baby, he'd be just as upset. I just want to cry because I don't want to muzzle my dog. He doesn't like it.

Nervous and Pressured

Sep 12, 2013 - 1 comments
Tags:

nervous

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pressured

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scared

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Panic

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Fear

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doctor's appointment

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SSI

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disability determination

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Agoraphobia

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Panic Anxiety Syndrome



869494?1379995740
“A fine line separates the weary recluse from the fearful hermit. Finer still is the line between hermit and bitter misanthrope.” -Dean Koontz, Velocity

I have my doctor's appointment for disability determination tomorrow, and I am terrified. They won't reschedule me, and if I don't go, they might make the decision that I'm not disabled. I was optimistic earlier in the week, but started to panic last night. All of my fears are irrational, but they won't stop:

1) I don't like elevators, so I'm going to have to go up the stairwell. I'm afraid of being trapped in the stairwell.
2) I tall buildings and big streets make me uncomfortable, and the building is located in an office building in the middle of the city.

I'm so scared. :-(

Trapped and Violated :-(

Sep 10, 2013 - 4 comments

"We all live in a house on fire, no fire department to call; no way out, just the upstairs window to look out of while the fire burns the house down with us trapped, locked in it." -Tennessee Williams

My aunt left today and called someone to stay with me. Another one of the men that my aunt makes me pay to stay with me when she leaves came by the house. I was in the kitchen, cooking myself breakfast, so I asked the man already staying with me to tell him that my aunt wasn't here because she got mad at me for letting him in to wait for her the last time he came to our house a couple of weeks ago. [I wasn't alone. Our family friend was staying with me. And I wan't near him, I was cleaning that day.]

He came in the house anyway, told me to get him some water, and sat down to watch TV. After that, he made a sexual comment about me to the man already staying with me. (I was in the kitchen when he said it, but after he left, the man that was already staying with me told me what was said.) It's not the first time he's done it. I told my aunt what he said the first time, said that I did not want to be in here with him, and she laughed and said that it was cute. (She also made a comment about me and my cousin being raped in the house a couple of months ago.) I don't know what to do because, she's leaving Saturday, and taking the family friend that usually stays when she goes away on the weekends. I don't know of anyone else that will stay with me, and I can't be alone. The only person that might be available is the man that said those nasty things. I just want to cry right now.

She also called someone and pretended to be me before she left today. That made me sad also.

Alone and Lonely

Sep 01, 2013 - 9 comments
Tags:

Life

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family

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worried

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Agoraphobia

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Panic Anxiety Syndrome

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panic disorder with agoraphobi

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old medicine

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expired medicine

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monophobia



"Loneliness is my least favorite thing about life. The thing that I'm most worried about is just being alone without anybody to care for or someone who will care for me." -Anne Hathaway

The Sad:

I was left alone today and I felt anger and rage instead of fear.

A family friend came to stay with me while my family member went out for the day, and she told him to leave me in the house. I was sick all of yesterday evening into this morning because I took some of my old medicine to keep calm, and I just didn't have the tears in me. I felt so bad. She thinks by me being left alone, it is going to make get better, but it's backfiring and I'm slowly starting to feel less secure in my home.

I don't feel like it's fair because I didn't want to come back home in the first place, but she called my roommates and told them that this would be the best situation for me, and that I needed to come home. I've lost lots of friends because of my home situation (long story) and I don't feel like I have a secure support system. Her daughter (my cousin) is allowed to terrorize me in the home and on my phone when she leaves. I have 30 nasty, mean, disgusting voice messages on my voice mail from her, and everyone tells me to just delete them. I'm so sad today, but I just keep trying to remind myself that other people have it worse than me.

The Good:

I am going to start writing again.