I have had babies on my mind often lately. Not the ones I have, the ones that I planned on having. I don't know if I will ever have any more. I am tired of being tired. I hardly have any time with DH. And yet I wanted to have two more.
Ideally, I would have one more naturally, and adopt one making a total of 6 kids. Or at least 4 full time kids and 2 part time (I share care with their father). But DH is not sure he wants any more kids. They are a lot of work, and I'm not sure that he realised exactly how busy he would be. But I think I want one more. I've almost given up on the adoption idea because by the time he would agree to doing it we would start the process and then it would take too long. If we started it now that would be different. But right now DH feels like 'he has enough kids for the moment'.
I'm pretty sure that I could persuade him into one more pregnancy in 1-3 years time, but do I want to create a child that only I will cherish and anticipate? I'm sure he would love the child, but when he is tired and things are tough will he blame me? Again, I don't think he ever would out loud but I'm worried that there might be resentment or negitive feelings between us if we are not both on the same page about our choices emotionally.
I feel a little betrayed. We discussed a big family and he was really keen on children. It is perfectly reasonable to change your mind and perfectly within his rights to do so. Even intelligent to reconsider and make a new more appropriate choice once you realise that the experience is not what you were expecting. I just feel as if I am already morning children that I thought would be mine. Wondering what they would have looked like and what I would have called them. I feel as if my family is incomplete and as if DH and I no longer share the same dreams and plans for our family.
It is a little lonely in this new place that I seem to have found myself in. I feel as if I've gone from a 'we' to a 'me'.
Makes me wonder, I thought I knew what to expect from my life. Where else will I end up that I didn't expect?
Just lately I've been feeling like a bit of a fool. I mean, I know we are supposed to start waddling in the 3rd trimester but I seriously walk like one of the penguins (in suits) out of Mary Poppins! If you imagined someone imitating a pregnant walk but over the top to make it funny- that is me. Sometimes I wonder why I don't see anyone pointing and laughing. And I'm only 28 weeks!
So last night I was trying to woo DH, who was insisting that he was tired and couldn't be bothered. Not letting this dissuade me at all I am sitting on the bed trying to remove my knickers (no easy feat at 28 weeks as you all know) when I FELL OF THE BED! OMG! I luckily managed to throw an arm out just in time and fell on my wrist instead of my belly. So there I am lying on the floor feeling like a complete incompetent idiot while hysterically part laughing part crying when DH races around the bed to see if I am ok.
"Gee, that was lucky!" he says.. And I think what on earth was lucky about falling off the bed? My brain wasn't quite working yet which might of had something to do with the bump it had just received. Eventually I realised that he means it was lucky I didn't land on my belly or hurt the baby.
That REALLY made me think. How scary! The safety of my baby relies not on my usual physical competence and sense of balance, (which has stopped me falling over or off anything since I was a child) but solely on the presence of 'luck' which will hopefully be around at the next incident! Someone out there overlooked some serious design flaws when creating us!
Still suffering from a lot of nausea. Having dizzy spells on and off especially 2hrs or more after eating. Showing nicely now, into maternity shorts but still managing with larger sized normal tops.
Finding out on the 3rd March what sex the baby is, and have a strong feeling that it is a boy... Guess we will see soon enough (3 weeks away). Probably won't announce here or at home though, have convinced hubby that surprising everyone will be fun!
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