Sep 23, 2015
Yep! 3 hard yrs and I am still a babe in the woods!
I usually only Journal when I need Support or when I want to go Back in yrs later and read what I had said. This way I can either remind myself how it was, or so I do not fall down.
Sometimes I go on a Trip about Life! I came clean at the age 56 & now I am 59. Life just goes by so fast. This is why we got to hold on to all those Precious Moments.
There is a lot of us on here that come form the 60-70s when the Vietnam war was going on. These times brought on many Heartaches but it was also the time when many bands like Motown music and the Beatles, Rolling stones and so many more brought out the BEST Music ever. Those were the Time that the Hippies, Flower-power, Communes, Woodstock, Martin Luther, Peace, Love and all above came in & SO much more.
We (hub & I) come from a small creek/canyon in CA. Everybody knew everybody and the old & young partied together. I took my first hit of pot when I was 13-14 and got into those Bennie whites (cross tops) and now & then would drink a Beer. We Hiked and Camped out all the time. Go to school and come home and take off hiking. Then that orange sunshine came around and we would put it in a Bota bag with wine and go lay out in the sun back in the Mountains or Creek bed/waterfall. Those types of drugs I did not care for like Mushrooms and Buttons so forth. Of Course, I had to try it just like anything else, I gave it a try. Upper, Downers and all Around. Through out those yrs, I would still dabble in some Mushrooms now & then but not a lot. There was so many different Substance I tried that I can not even remember. The whole STRANGE thing about it is that I did not think it was wrong. I kind of new but it just seem to be the thing to do. Even at school we would go and smoke pot in the orange groves or out back.
Sure you would here about Heroin-Junky-Heroin-Junkie. Well WTF is the difference, is what I see now. A drug is a drug is a drug! When I was in my early 20s I had someone give me a shot Coke and I had snorted a speedball once (heroin & coke) in my Dancing days of making a living. Thank my God that I am so afraid of needles. Who knows what might have happen. Can give a shot but not take one..Ha!
I look back now and can see how DUMB it was. Just not even thinking about drug addiction and/or what it does to the Brain at that age, let alone the Body parts.
I kind of regret that I wanted to go up so fast. I left home when I was 17 and finished high school up in Lake Tahoe. From there on out I had Always worked to Support myself. Many of us had fake IDs so we would get off work and go to the Lounges and drink while we listen to some great music. Then we went straight to school with no sleep. Och! The drinking became more & more but NOT every day. Then another set of drugs would come through and I just had to try them like a dumb ash. Pot was always in the picture. As I got older I had cut back on this, but still drank here & there. By the later 70 & 80s is when I got some what, hooked on the Crank (meth). I usually got it from people who got it from the Hells Angels, so it was strong. Weaver told me that the reason why they called it Crank is because the Boys would carry it in there Crank Shaft on their bike. As time went by I lived with a few boy friends but left, or made them leave because they would not work like I did. I had seen no Future. Pot and Beer was the only thing we did in most of my Relationships. However, if the Coke/Crank came around then I would go for it. Again I thought nothing was wrong about this..Daaaaa!!!
My little brother died on Christmas day & I went back home. This is where I KNEW I was in trouble. I would Drink and do Crank to ease my pain away. It was Bad! Then I ran into my Hub, who was more of my lil brothers friend at the time. Even if we road the school bus together since grade school, I still did not talk to him, as I was closer to his big sis & bro. We got together and he told me that it was either him or the Crank so I gave it up for good. Still drinking and still crazy in my head. There is SO much more in between these yr but I am older and do not want to write a book. LMAO!
Now yrs later I had to have some hydos for pain issues after a certain foot surgery. I did them right and when they were down, I was done. NO W/DS from any of these drugs, as of yet! I ended up on them again, but at a very little dose each month for female cramps. I had been Nursing at the Time and this is where it all Started too. I had a client that I had to see on a daily bases. He had the hydo/oxys and would push them over to me. He knew that I would stay longer or come back and visit. Sometimes I would even stay on his couch if he did not feel well. We ran out and I was experiencing something I had no clue about..W/DS..This was in the late 90s-2000. Then I knew I had a issue for sure and went to a treatment only to last one week and run back to the drugs. By then my Pain had gotten worse, so I played the game to get the Methadone Prescribed. Someone had turned me onto one and it seem to be the ticket. Right! 12 yrs later and so spun out. Playing all the games to get more.During that time I had a complete hysterectomy and I knew I was going to be cut off. We got down from a high dose to 30mg. I was running short every 2 weeks. This is where the trouble got worse. I had been turned on to a Adderral. ( do not have ADHD) so this I would mix with my Dones and snort it. It was just like my crank days, but without grinding my teeth. Snorted though out the day and was working in the nursing field. Come home and be so Tweaked out that I would hold a flash light and pull weeds in my Gardens until 3-4-5 am. Took a Benzo to come down. This went on & on & on for yrs.
Finally a family member, who I did not see that much, knew something was wrong..Daaaa! SO again I reached out and got help and went c/t off of all three. It was NO walk in the park. I had so MANY curve balls during my first few yrs of recovery. From loosing both parents, my Boy dog and other family members & Friends in a 90 day period. I stuck close to this site for Support and also had to add some more out side Support in my real world. The calls I made to some of you out here, made a Big difference too & still does to this day. It was SO SO hard because all my Life, when I had lost someone, I would go and drink or get high! It is/was easy to get anything! The Brain was still healing and trying to balance back, so this just made me flip back to a detox state, like it was when I first started to come clean. Then out of know where comes the Heart issue. This one through me so off. HOW OR WHY?? I could not understand because I had always Exercised and Ate Healthy! Never had High blood pressure or been told about high cholesterol. OK! I had ask my God Why?? Well it ALL just made me Stronger toward Life! I have to Work hard every minute, hour of the Day to stay on the right track.
Today and Just for Today I am so BLESSED to have what I got.
PS. I want to think each and everyone of you who went into my post about becoming a CL. That made me feel good. Still the same person and nothing has changed except I have to Read more now..Ha! This will do me some justice since I missed out on those English classes and do not write so good/well. LMAO!
WE R ALL IN THIS TOGETHER! Team work all the way!
Bless U ALL
My screen name (now) was picked out by some people on here. Lots of Love!
vvic..Mooselips/kiss..Mountainmama and a few more names that people had said. Ha! Got to love those Screen Names.