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Dear MH Friends..Update!

Jul 11, 2014 - 28 comments

I want to think YOU ALL for the Prays & Support! I also would like to thank CIK, Weaver and Msdelight for Talking with me for the past few days about this.
WELL..I went down to the Heart Clinic yesterday and had all those pics taken of my Heart. While I was on the treadmill, I felt very positive that it was going to be OK!
WELL.. They called me into a room and told me I had to be back at 7:45 am to be admitted to the Hospital for that procedure they do with the wire that goes up and shoots the die into the smaller veins. YES I ended up having some serious blockage..SHOOT! SHOOT! and more SHOOT!  It is 4:30 am and I have to leave in here a bit. Yes, I am very scared right now and I sure do pray it will go OK. I know they do this A LOT and have done it over a millions times in this world, but it still is scary and it sure did give me the biggest WAKE-UP Call I have ever had.
I should be grateful that I did catch it before I had a serious Heart Attack!
Now I do think that this is a Big Part of why it took me SO long to bounce back since I had gone through my detox back in 2012. I had felt good, but the energy just never seemed to come back all the way. SO...I am praying that this will help return my Health Back and give me Yet another new leaf on LIFE! I sure am not ready to meet my maker Yet! Lost toooooo many in these past months and this would just destroy my Hub and Friends that are left here on Earth..I KNOW I WILL BE OK BY THE GRACE OF GOD!!

Thank YOU ALL and I will be back when I feel better...lol
Bless
Vickie

Scared!! Can use some Prayers!!!

Jul 01, 2014 - 33 comments

Today is July 1 2014. AND I have a Not-So-Good-Heart!!
I had not been feeling to good and I am around 2 months shy of 2 years. I knew it would take me this long to balance out up stairs in the Brain, so I excepted this. I also had those Hot-Flashes and Bad Sweats cycle back around after all these Years. So I see a Dr who specializes in HRT in a Natural way Monday.  However, I was not sure WHY I was having shortness of Breath and Pain in the middle of my Chest.

I took a friend to see the Dr today at the same building my Dr is at. As I was there I got scared of the way I was feeling and asked if my Dr was in, well he was not!  I told them what was up and they threw me in a room with a Dr and hooked me up to the EKG. OK..Now I have to go to the Hospital for some more intense test, and one being the treadmill hooked up to the Ego-Gram..(if I said this right). This is ALL I need right now..I think I have had my share of Pain/Hurt for the Past months..lol
I know it is my own fault for taking these drugs that always got me SO wired up..Those pumped my Heart Hard. Then when I came clean off those 3 meds, this pumped my Heart so hard and for so long, that I thought I was going to have a Heart Attack. Then I had lost most of my Family in those 3 months, that just Broke my Heart.
NOW..The Biggest right now is my Smoking Cigs. I did not even start smoking until my late 30s. I do not smoke that much now due to not being so wired up all the time. The Cigs have to GO or I will DIE! Just like our drugs/booze that will soon destroy us. I know I can Eat right & take some good vit/min to help with my healing, but I still am so scared of what damage I might have already done..Maybe it is not going to be that bad. I just know NOW that I have to do YET some more Changes regarding my Life Style..Changes, Changes and more Changes seems to be all I have been doing for the best..I just Pray to God that everything will be just fine..It is NOT my time to go yet!
SO..I sure could use some Prayers right now and so can my Hub..This has got him really scared.
We have just lost to many this Year & Last that his heart could not take any more Bad news either.
Please Pray for this Ol Heart to Heal..lol
Bless U ALL
Vickie

Flash!!!

Jun 13, 2014 - 6 comments

Life can go bye in a wink of a eye..One day I was 20 & the next I was 58..I really THINK it goes bye quicker when we drink or drug, however I KNOW it AGES us big time!!!
One day I had Heartburn to Heartaches, but found a relief.
One day I felt Nausea and IBS but that soon passed..Haha
One day I had Brown/Red Hair & then some Grey, but I found a good hairdresser.
One day I lost Many Friends and Family but I was too high to feel.
One Day I was going to DIE from this ADDICTION, but I found SUPPORT.
THEN it all came around..After using off & on since I was 14...(dumb)
One day I made the choice to come clean/sober and went into a place one more time.It was in Sept 2012 and this time I stayed and learned alot. I had to c/t off of my Methadone, Adderall I took with the Dones for a bigger Buzz because I do not have ADHD and it will wire you up..Then those Klons..Oh, how bad it is to c/t a Benzo and they did not even know or realized I was on this one too! My Physical detox went on for at least 6 months. I was up at a place in the Mountains right next door to where my Hub & I grew up..After no sleep for almost 30days and the Anxiety on the Moon I decided to go see my friends and some family when I got out after 30 days over in the creek that we are from..I had to go Camping because I could not take another day in a room full of people..My Anxiety and Sleep was still Bad but had calmed just a bit..By 40 days I made it back home..

OMG as I pulled up on my property and we have many acres, it all seemed to be a Dream..I could not even believe that this was my Home, my Hub and my Dogs..Was this the way I fixed up the place.(nice but too much stuff) was this my Jewelry and Clothes..Nothing and I mean Nothing seemed REAL! I would go out side and Rock back and fourth for Days..Finally I started to calm down and I think it had to do with being back home in my Safe place..After I realized it was mine..lol My sleep was still very off the charts..I had joined on MH in Dec and was up all day and night and early morning on here. I sure do not want my Old Post to come back..I was still Bat Wing Crazy..But I stuck around and made MANY new friends from here.There were many whole held my Hand and guided me through..Many who helped me realize that this was all part of the process..Many who I kept relating too as I kept going through so many physical changes and I almost gave up..I did not know it would take so long as the layers came off. I hung onto Weaver as he was a few months ahead and came off the Methadone as I did. I also got to know my Soul Sister Clean_in ks as she was very interested as I was in this Disease in a more Scientific way. But to this day she is a good friend too and a Spiritual Blessing for me as Tony is too! Then I would be so confused about other things and I would PM Shara my wise Grasshopper. This girl can see things that I had no clue what it meant or what was up..NOT just on here but as I grew in my Recovery..She would always talk about being in Diapers in early recovery and now I do know what she meant. I would always PM Toothy & FourJays as we all where in the NO or Low motivation at the same time. I still keep in touch to this Day with FourJays who is out living her life Clean & Sober and with a NEW Job! Well there are SO many that I DO Care about on here and YOU know who you ALL are..Just too many to put down..lol

OK!! SO as I healed Physically my Mental kicked in at around 6-8 months and it was SO strange and I thought that was the worse. There is just SO MANY STAGES we go through that each one of us have our own stories..Around a Year and a Half I was feeling pretty good and kind of on TOP of the World..WELL then my WORLD came crashing down and I was knocked back Mentally to a kind of a detox state which affected me Physically.. My Hubs Dad, my Dad, our Baby Boy Whiteface and my Mom all died in a 90 day period from Cancer..Starting at the End of Nov 2013 to Feb 2014. NOW all of this was just TOO much for me in my early Recovery. Then after they passed on I had lost 2 more friends to Addiction..SEE this time I was not drunk or high..I had to UP all my Support and Move on with Life..I still cry and shed some tears for them all, but not on the same day..This comes in Waves, but I do cry a little everyday for my Boy because he was part of the House & our Baby Boy.

Today is 6-13-2014 and I took all of these deaths and turned them over to my God. This whole Journey since 2012 has brought me closer then I have ever been with my Lord. IF I would of been drinking or doing Drugs I would still be MAD & GRIEVING bad..I would be a slobbering drunk crying all over anyone who would be around. I DO KNOW FOR SURE that by being Clean and Sober I was able to handle this all in a different way..I gave it to GOD!
It took me almost and I say almost 2 Years to Balance out because I am still balancing a bit and only have 21 months..I now see everything around me WITHOUT those ROSE-COLOR GLASSES..I can not even believe the BEAUTY I am seeing around here..LOTS of Wild Flowers and Plants of all KINDS..Things have been just flowing good and I Pray they stay this way for while..I had my share of HEARTACHE last year and this year..I do believe things will go good for a long time now.

ONE DAY I WAS HIGH & SICK, BUT I FOUND MY WAY BACK THROUGH GOD!!!!!

PS..One Day I will learn how to write better so who ever reads can understand it..LMAO!!!

Bless U ALL!!!!!!
Vickie

Crayons to Perfume!

May 20, 2014 - 2 comments

So how can you thank someone who has taken you from Crayons to Perfume?? This is how I feel about them meetings both AA/NA and all the Support from all the MH Angles out here. I have Grown so much, so far and have Learned alot because of all my Teachers and Supporters out here & in them rooms! They really showed their true colors when they had this service. Many true feeling for sure!
NA came together and had a service for my friend who passed away in April 2014. The service was held at the Church on Sat May 17 2014. It was so Sad but SO uplifting too. I got up and said a bit and read that song that I feel was some kind of a message since the day I went looking for him. They had finally found him dead in the woods over 3-4 weeks later. This Death has really opened my eyes up to Addiction. My friend tried so hard and went all the time to both AA/NA, but he also was fighting some Bad Demons in his own mind too. This made this out to be 7 deaths in a 6 month period. 4 from Cancer and 3 from Addiction..It really, really opened my eyes up when the reading says Jails, Institution or Death!!! I do know that my one friend (who was closer to my Mom) tried so hard not to drink or thought she had it handled only to drink herself to death. She ended up in a hospital where she died of Alcohol..Then my Good Friend just had a Back Slide and got all hung up in his own head which made him run from something right into those woods were he sat down by a Tree and Passed out never to wake up again because he also froze over night. He had already been to Jail more then a few times and a Institution once or twice so his final end was Death. This is a very powerful Disease and I do not think anybody gets out easy.
Yep, we went to this about 4 days after I had to move my Moms trailer off the property..SO I was put in a BAD Emotional funk for a couple of days and could not get out of Bed! I thought that something was SO mentally wrong with me that I was a bit scared. I do not like to lay around because I have so much to do and so much to go on Living for. I had to Call and Talk to some professional about this matter..I guess because I have had so many Losses so close together the last 6 months that they said this is a normal reaction..Well Shiit the 4 Family members I lost in a 90 day period I was back up on the horse riding one more time. It was the Trailer being moved and then a good friend to Addiction, is what set it off.
The service that NA had given was so Awesome..A few of us got up and shared as others just listened and cried. When I got up I look right up at the ceiling and told Phil that He was Loved and We did care about him in these rooms of AA/NA. He sometimes wondered if they cared. I told him Look if you are here, Look at ALL of these people that came from all walks of Life because You were so Loved. Then I read the song "Landslide" by Fleetwoodmac. He was found on a snow covered hill out in the woods as his landslide took him down..OH! I SO hate this disease..It kills just as much as Cancer!
I like to Journal these things so I can come back another day and see how it is going for others & myself emotionally..Many of us have had our Emotions ripped in half and many are still having it ripped out now. This is just Life..BUT before when I had deaths I was to high or to numb for it to affect me in a Real way. Yes, this has been quite the Journey that started from the day I got cleaned back in Dec 2012 to Now. I am very happy that I did face all of this without any Mind-Altering Substances because I might not be writing this today. Turn it around and make the Best of it..There is always a Message in each and every Death..I want to take my Parents and my Friends name and Live a nice clean sober Life because each and everyone of them were so proud of me for doing so.
RIP because now each of you are at Peace..
Eddie..Father-in-Law
Mel.....Step Dad
Elsie....Mom
Whiteface..My Boy Dog
Stacy...Friend
Phil..Good Friend
Chuck..Like a Brother
I Love You ALL & YOU are Missed..See you all at the TOP!!

I KNOW I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS HAD THESE TYPES OF LOSSES IN SUCH SHORT TIME, BUT IT SURE FEELS DIFFERENT CLEAN & SOBER!

NO MORE FOR A LONG TIME NOW>>PLEASE!
Peace
Vickie