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Big Hole In My Heart!! :-(

Aug 17, 2008 - 8 comments

As many of you know I lost my son this past Tuesday to prison. This was a huge shock to our entire family as he has no record and we were told all along that he would get probation. I collapsed in the courtroom after hearing the sentence.
This whole thing took place in April of 2007 so we spent close to a year and a half messing around with the court system.
For those who want to know the whole story here it is. My son and a friend of his went out to buy $40.00 worth of weed. My son took an unloaded gun with him because he had heard that this guys were known for robbing people that they sold to. My son shows up, gets in their car and whamo they all had guns and wanted to know where his wallet was. He told them it was in his trunk so 2 of them walked back to his car with him with one of them holding a gun in his back. My son's friend who was waiting in his car saw the situation, got out of the car, and shot both of the boys that were threatning my son. My son never even had a chance to show them that he had this unloaded gun. After my son's friend shot the two boys instead of waiting for the police to come they ran. The next day my son went to the police on his own and told them what had happened. My son admitted to having this unloaded weapon, but the police seemed more interested in the boy who did the shooting telling my son, "we know you didn't do this but we need the name of the person that did." My son finally gave in and gave them the name of his friend. They did arrest my son for carrying a concealed weapon but that was it.
The friend who did the shooting still remains free with no consequences and my son was sentenced to 3 years in prison and he's only 19 years old. The whole family is in shock and no one seems to be able to put any logic with what happened. The two boys that were shot weren't injured seriously so I simply can't understand any of this. I realize that my son had no business buying pot or having a gun weather it was loaded or not so it's not like I think he should've gotten off scott free, but 3 YEARS IN PRISON??
To make this entire situation even worse my son had really changed his lifestyle after that. He was working for an attorney, had signed up for college, and had honestly turned his life around.
I'm so heartbroken that I can't even think clearly and I only have 55 days left to ask the judge to reconsider his sentence.
Does anyone have any thoughts? Good or bad? I need you guys right now because it feels like staying clean is pointless even though I know that isn't true, but it's not stopping the way I really feel.
Thank you to everyone who reads this long story! I needed to get this out in its entirety and more importantly I need my friends now more than ever.

In Friendship,


Jul 20, 2008 - 14 comments

My friends it's time for me to admit to a recent relapse for which I'm not proud and in need of support and courage to stop taking these damn pills again.
In honestly this started out due to some high pain issues which are due to my health issues. I had been handling it fairly well pill free and then the pain got bad, my emotions went nuts, and I started to use again about 2-3 weeks ago. Needless to say it didn't take long for my to get right back up to nearly the same amount of opiate use as before except I'm not using my DOC. My DOC is Oxy so in the moment when I used I decided to use Roxicodone instead thinking that would be better for me. NOT!
How sad this truly is as I had right at 90 days clean and somehow I let the pain get the best of me. The question still remains in my mind how will I deal with my pain issues and not use since any type of Aleve or anything that has anything except for acedaminfin(sp?) will irritate my stomach ulcers. Take a plain old Tylenol doesn't even touch a headache for me much less any pain that my body is enduring. Even with all of these health issues I honestly want to get clean and remain clean because I want my life back and this isn't the way to get it.

Go ahead my friends and tell me how you feel!! I'm ready and waiting for whatever you throw at me, goodness knows I deserve it! I'm so sorry to all of you that worked so hard with me to keep me clean but I assure you I do want this but I made a mistake and now I'm so scared that I feel paralyzed, almost like a deer in headlights! I beg your forgiveness and pray for your help and support!

The Kindness That This Forum Has Is Heart Warming!!

May 26, 2008 - 0 comments

I'm constantly amazed at the kindness that this forum consists of. I feel so lucky to be a part of this community and I feel compelled to let everyone know how greatful I truly am and hopefully this will encourage some of our new members.
As many of you know I have alot of medical issues which is very difficult because I'm an addict, but despite all of that the people on this forum have been very supportive.
I want to apologize too because I haven't been able to give back nearly as much as I have received but I will do my best to correct that and be more helpful.
Thank you so much for all that you guys have done for me and I will step up my activity so that I can help some people in need.
I beleive that God led me to this site for a reason and I believe in my heart that one of the reasons he led me here was to meet the wonderful people on here and to help those that I can.

Trusting Hubby With Meds BIG MISTAKE!!

May 18, 2008 - 4 comments

On May 8th I went to my urologist who had great concerns in regards to me being insistent about remaining off of my pain meds especially in light of my up coming surgery. He felt that my pain was causing me to clamp down on many areas of my muscles which in turn was only causing my bladder problem to be worse. He gave me a script for Percocet and told me hang tough and take them only as prescribed. Well in order to do this I gave my hubby the entire bottle to dole out to me so that I would only take them as prescribed. I thought I had a great plan in place that would work for me until I found out that after taking the little devil pills for a week, as prescribed, that the entire bottle was empty. Now keep in mind I had no access to these meds for all of that time.So I decided to confront him last night and all he could do was be defensive with me saying things like oh yeah honey I took over 100 of those in a week!! Things just went from bad to worse as I laid down for a little bit and guess what he did. He decided to go through my purse, my cell phone, all of the rest of my meds, which are not pain meds but meds that I have to take to keep my bladder functioning as best it can until which time the surgery is performed. He actually took to of the pills that he found and because they happen to be blue, he took them into to my two teenage sons and ask them to identify them as he thought they were oxycontin......gosh I don't even know why I'm married to this jerk at this point!!