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Happiness

May 31, 2013 - 1 comments
Tags:

cravings

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dealing with anxiety

,

happiness

,

pleasure

,

habitual

,

fanfiction



My challenge yesterday was my desire to consume against a background of happiness and relaxation. It's one of the more difficult aspects of this addiction. I use fanfiction to avoid feelings of anxiety, sadness, fear, etc. And when I'm under the gun of some kind of deadline, work related or otherwise, I get particularly itchy to consume, jittery to the point of physical jittering.  

Yet, in moments of relief and freedom from anxiety, especially when I've just completed something or things long overdue or at least pressing, I then also want to turn to fanfiction. Because it is indeed pleasurable, flooding my brain with dopamine and feel-good chemicals, and I think my more general pleasure and sense of relief and relaxation sort of reaches out to a known way to relax and reward myself. Of course, that use sets me up for the anxiety-driven use, because I typically can't stop at one or two or three stories, and even if I do, my use has lasting effects that I want to write about another time. But my point in this entry is to start to reflect on what I almost would call my more "gratuitous" use, when I'm happy and don't "need" fanfiction. The relief and anticipation of knowing that I actually have time to reward myself, my turn to a method of reward that is tried and true, my pleasure in the reading (and it's in these instances that I am closest to "reading" instead of "consuming"), my affection for the pairings that I favor, my enjoyment of the good writing that is out there (mixed amongst the slew of poor writing), and my sadness, now, when I consider and remember that I can't have those experiences again.  And most important, what I need to end with, my growing understanding that I must find ways to have that reward, relief, pleasure, and affection that will not just stand in for fanfiction but bring me to a place where fanfiction is truly not what I think to turn to when I'm happy and free to choose my pleasure.

Day 3 is better than Day 1

May 29, 2013 - 1 comments
Tags:

Day 3

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fanfiction

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exhaustion



Even though I'm exhausted from work, even though I'm anxious, two days without fanfiction is so much better than the alternative.

Too early in the morning to have anything else to say. :)


Fanfiction AddictionTracker

Day 2

May 28, 2013 - 2 comments
Tags:

second day

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fanfiction

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consumption

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perfectionism



I've arrived at Day 2, and I have 2 friends on this site. Maybe that's auspicious :)  

I'm off to work shortly. In the past, I've consumed on my phone at work, so here's my reminder to myself that it's not an option. Consuming on the phone is still consuming. (Actually, I think it's more harmful because the small type ends up giving me a headache.)

The rule for the day is: No Perfectionism. I have a big project due today at work that I should have worked on over the weekend. I didn't, because I consumed 2 full weekend days this past weekend. And I can still get this project done; I just need to throw it against the wall and let it stick, so to speak.

Also, I've decided to try to refer to this habit primarily as "consumption." I don't want to obscure what I'm doing by using jargon, but I felt as though I were sullying the word "reading" by using it throughout this post, and I've changed all of those uses to "consuming."  Language choice is obviously a big thing for me, and maybe I'm framing this incorrectly, but that's where I'm at for now.

(Maybe?) Last First Day Entry

May 27, 2013 - 4 comments

I'm excited,though scared: I moved all of the stories I had saved in My Dropbox to a thumb drive and deleted the folder on my computer, then gave the drive to my partner to hide. I couldn't quite bring myself to throw them away, but this was a first step.

And, now I'm off to delete my account at AWH or if I can't do that, to delete all the favorite stories from the account. It will be tempting to see them all listed there, but I won't open them, merely delete them.

I feel a bit like I'm encased in cotton wool after my binge (the usual result). I'm frightened of all the things left undone and feel mentally inflexible. It's hard to decide what to do. I think it's best to do physical tasks instead of tasks at the computer.

So, post-deletion, no more internet for me tonight.