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Panic Attack Night

Sep 20, 2013 - 0 comments

I had a terrible panic attack where I thought I was going to die because my heart was beating so fast/hard. I had to wake my mother I was so afraid.

It was a very bad night.

I honestly don't feel like talking about it, but for the sake of recording my mood I will describe some more details.

Typically I get a racing heart from taking my Seroquel. But on this particular night the Seroquel made my heart race so fast and horrendously that I thought I was having a heart attack/heart failure or my heart was going to explode. The panic was overwhelming. Unbearable. The voice of reason was almost mute. I wanted to call 911. I knew it was a panic attack (due to my father having similar ones) but part of me wanted to call 911 just to have company. Maybe if I put up enough of a fight they would sedate me. I reasoned against calling 911 but I could not be alone. So I woke my mother up. I had to take 3 Xanax to ease the panic and even then there was some.

It was by far the worst panic attack of my life and one of the worst experiences of my life.

I never want to experience that again. I would go through hell and back to avoid that experience.

I have been on this medication for slightly over a year and this sudden symptom pops up, I have read that it happens to other people and it does not stop. This is clearly problematic.

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Sep 18, 2013 - 0 comments

Anhedonia has been affecting me a lot lately. I haven't been playing video games nearly as much as I should want to.
But tonight is different! Suddenly I'm super eager to play video games, they actually sound like fun!
I hate anhedonia! But god when its gone I remember how it feels to have fun again.
I'm going to play video games and this time, its because I want to, not because I'm fighting anhedonia.
Hells yes!

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Detonation Warning

Sep 17, 2013 - 0 comments

Mood swinging so hard. Go from super depressed and curled up in bed to high energy and restless to do something.
I don't know what to do to pass the time.
I feel like I'm going to implode.
And I know that if things don't go my way tonight I am definitely going to implode.

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Odd Experience

Sep 13, 2013 - 0 comments

I am copy-pasting this from my tumblr simply because I do not feel like rewriting it. This occurred before I went to sleep Thursday-Friday and was around 12:30am:

Its been a while since I’ve gone into a more dissociated state. I am always in a slight state of dissociation. I am extremely disconnected from my body in many ways. I don’t connect with the image I see in the mirror and my hands seem like foreign entities. But I’ve gotten used to it. Its when I go into a deeper dissociated state that freaks me out.  

I was taking a shower and just felt out of it. And then it spiked, my thoughts turned into gibberish. Like they literally sounded like incoherent sounds that made no sense. And all of a sudden I grabbed my tongue and twisted it and then released it quickly. I don’t completely understand why I grabbed my tongue. I just remember thinking it felt weird, grabbing it, and then releasing it before I could process how I felt. It was too scary. I realized that the moment I grabbed it. Whatever I was feeling was too scary for me to understand, so I released it.

The dissociation grew. And all of a sudden I had anxiety spike with it. I felt a panic attack coming on, something I haven’t had in many months. I clamped down on the thoughts in a way I’ve never done. It was like I just yelled at myself and it scared me so I listened. I yelled at myself that anxiety was not acceptable because I just started showering and I did not want to have a panic attack in here. I also yelled at myself to just, “go with the feeling” and stop being scared of it.

So I did. But I couldn’t shake the unease. I hurried through my shower. I felt very uncomfortable and I made sure to not analyze it. I didn’t want to figure out the feeling, it was very frightening.

All of a sudden the tiles on the wall before me seemed to shift. The edges of them that make lines in the wall became somewhat wavy and out of place. I immediately turned around and faced away from it. I finished my shower and got out.

I don’t understand this experience. It is very unsettling and it is not something I have felt before. I’ve felt dissociation and anxiety before, but this just felt different from my previous experiences.

The best word to describe the whole experience is “unsettling.” Like news you hear and kinda shift nervously in your seat at.

I dislike it. The gibberish thoughts remind me of the time I hid in the dark behind a church scratching my back trying to draw blood. And then when my boyfriend found me, I paced back and forth in front of him ranting words and moving my hands about in gestures stereotypical of someone who is mentally unwell.

It reminds me of that memory. Which is not a good memory. And not something I want to go back to.

The medications protect me from that now… thank god for them.

I just hope it goes away.

Maybe eating will help as all I’ve had today is 2 very small muffins…

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