I am copy-pasting this from my tumblr simply because I do not feel like rewriting it. This occurred before I went to sleep Thursday-Friday and was around 12:30am:
Its been a while since I’ve gone into a more dissociated state. I am always in a slight state of dissociation. I am extremely disconnected from my body in many ways. I don’t connect with the image I see in the mirror and my hands seem like foreign entities. But I’ve gotten used to it. Its when I go into a deeper dissociated state that freaks me out.
I was taking a shower and just felt out of it. And then it spiked, my thoughts turned into gibberish. Like they literally sounded like incoherent sounds that made no sense. And all of a sudden I grabbed my tongue and twisted it and then released it quickly. I don’t completely understand why I grabbed my tongue. I just remember thinking it felt weird, grabbing it, and then releasing it before I could process how I felt. It was too scary. I realized that the moment I grabbed it. Whatever I was feeling was too scary for me to understand, so I released it.
The dissociation grew. And all of a sudden I had anxiety spike with it. I felt a panic attack coming on, something I haven’t had in many months. I clamped down on the thoughts in a way I’ve never done. It was like I just yelled at myself and it scared me so I listened. I yelled at myself that anxiety was not acceptable because I just started showering and I did not want to have a panic attack in here. I also yelled at myself to just, “go with the feeling” and stop being scared of it.
So I did. But I couldn’t shake the unease. I hurried through my shower. I felt very uncomfortable and I made sure to not analyze it. I didn’t want to figure out the feeling, it was very frightening.
All of a sudden the tiles on the wall before me seemed to shift. The edges of them that make lines in the wall became somewhat wavy and out of place. I immediately turned around and faced away from it. I finished my shower and got out.
I don’t understand this experience. It is very unsettling and it is not something I have felt before. I’ve felt dissociation and anxiety before, but this just felt different from my previous experiences.
The best word to describe the whole experience is “unsettling.” Like news you hear and kinda shift nervously in your seat at.
I dislike it. The gibberish thoughts remind me of the time I hid in the dark behind a church scratching my back trying to draw blood. And then when my boyfriend found me, I paced back and forth in front of him ranting words and moving my hands about in gestures stereotypical of someone who is mentally unwell.
It reminds me of that memory. Which is not a good memory. And not something I want to go back to.
The medications protect me from that now… thank god for them.
I just hope it goes away.
Maybe eating will help as all I’ve had today is 2 very small muffins…