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Last AC cycle

Dec 20, 2012 - 2 comments

I have my last cycle of AC two days after Christmas.  I hate chemo with a vengence.  At this stage more than I hate cancer or the surgeon.
Feeling slightly better today.  Managed a 50 minute slow run plus did two hours of digging.  2 x 1 hr.
I feel that chemo has really messed with my head this time and wonder and worry about having more.
I have communicated less this cycle.  I feel that it is the chemo but it could be that I have become withdrawn due to other issues.
My sister and her family went back to Australia this week so it is nice to have the peace and not have to run around after a very energetic 21 month old.

I still have seven more lots of chemo to get through.  This cycle I was convinced that dying from cancer couldn't be any more painful than the side-effects of chemo.  Hopefully the long-term gain will be worth it.

Vomiting is gross but I think it is better than spending two weeks in bad due to fatigue.  Vomiting also gets rid of the massive weight gain through fluid retention.  Is really strange not being able to drink or hold anything down but at the same time not be dehydrated due to the fluid retention from the steroids.

I hate being this fixated on something that isn't going to happen till next week.

Tired

Oct 27, 2012 - 0 comments

I went for a 20 minute run today.  Enjoyed it and didn't have to push too hard to complete it.
Spent some time over the farm but got over-tired.

Have ulcers on left side of my mouth.  Have a tendency to chew on that cheek (or so the dentist keeps telling me anyway).
Have been diluting anti-septic mouth wash but it could be that that is too harsh too.  Not sure.

Feel less itchy today.  Are noticing some hair loss.  Is on the toilet paper, etc.

My head frequently hurts.  It seems to hurt more if I am bending over, etc.  That seems to make it spin too.

Just really tired tonight.

Chemotherapy Tracker

Surgical drain

Aug 23, 2012 - 0 comments

Feel really tired.  Can't wait to have the drain removed.  Hopefully it can be removed early next week.  Have had issues with it blocking and also losing suction.  Are well and truely over it.  Are allergic to all the adhesive dressings.  Can't wait to have all those removed too.  My skin is red and itchy and driving me nuts.  Are really looking forward to having a shower and not having to worry about getting dressings wet.

I wish doctors, or anybody, would design a more practical way to drain wounds without the hassle of carrying bulky bottles around.

Cancer diagnosis

Aug 23, 2012 - 4 comments

Tonight I feel tired and numb.  Is hard to believe that my life may be cut short by cancer.  Is harder to believe that I may never feel truely healthy again.  I use to take health and energy and life for granted.  I wish I hadn't.  I wish I had of made more of what I did have.  I guess still have to a degree.  Is hard to live and not stress when you feel that death is behind you waiting to tap you on the shoulder.  Game over.  What a waste.  my life has been one nightmare after another.

Maybe I will feel better once my drain is out and I don't feel so weighed down by that and the constant reminder of ill health.  I wish I knew how to process all these thoughts and feelings.

I feel angry at my doctor for not taking my concerns seriously.  Your swollen lymph node is benign.  Yet it and others are cancerous.  ??  How can you be angry at someone who has supported you through some difficult times?  And let you down in others.

I guess on an emotional level I'm not coping well with surgery or the diagnosis.  Haven't even had that conversation with the surgeon yet.  Have just read the histology report and had discussions with several other doctors.
Surgery feels like I have been cut up and stitched back way too tight.  It's a bit like a body and diagnosis you can't escape from.

I just feel confused.  Writing helps to get some perspective.

My family haven't even hugged me and said that things will be alright.  I'm finding cancer a lonely place (to live and to die).  That's pretty morbid but that's where I'm at tonight.  Tomorrow I will probably delete this.