All Journal Entries Journals
Sort By:  

Connie's cancer is back.  

Jul 30, 2009 - 4 comments
Tags:

Breast Cancer

,

chemo

,

radiation

,

Cancer



13 years ago, my friend had breast cancer.  We have been really lucky that she has been in remission all this time.  About a year ago, she started feeling...odd.  She went to her "cancer" doctor for her exam and discovered she has cancer cells in her spine.  

She started taking oral chemo and radiation.  Then she went to have a port put into her head to get the chemo to her spine easier...that wasn't enough.  She now has a port installed to her collar bone for additional chemo.

She's very weak, losing her hair, but most of all, she's sick.  I know that seems like a stupid thing to say,but this is the most INTENSE, independent, and intelligent woman I have ever known - it's hard for me to see her so sick.  I love her to pieces.  She's incredible.

I am so afraid of losing her.  She is like my older sister.  We have been through so many good and bad things together.  We always laugh about being old ladies sitting at the beach watching the young hot guys!  

Man, what am I going to do if she doesn't make it.  

The three faces of ...ME

Jun 15, 2009 - 0 comments
Tags:

Bipolar

,

coping

,

self-aware



Bipolar has been an interesting, frustrating, life threatening and destroying condition I have endured for as long as I can remember.  I didn't know exactly why I was - the way I was - until last year.  

I remember growing up and having to think about how to act/behave and what mood to feel....not really just be me, but to think about what I should do and say and the facial expressions I should have - exhausting.  My nicknames were "little white tornado" (I had snow white hair) and "smiley".  It was so evident then at such a young age that I went back and forth a lot.  The "little white tornado" was when I was "hyper" and got into a lot of trouble (and consequently imaginative including demons), and "smiley" was when I pasted that smile on my little face and hoped I would become invisible if I would just smile.

As I got older, the task of me being the correct person got a little harder.  My therapist says I have a chameleon syndrome (I adjust to the situation), and I guess that's much so.  Pretty much though, I have discovered that (and my best friend tells me, too), that I have three faces of ....ME.  

1) depressed me that isolates EVERYONE - I mean everyone. and just can't get up...period  (Depressive episode)
2) sweet - funny - cheerleader me...very much the people pleaser - feelings get hurt easy.  (mania)
3) Mean b*tchy angry me....not a nice person.  (mania)

As I have become "stable" and more "self-aware" I have tried and tried to discover who the me is...is that possible?  At 41 can I discover who the me is?  I feel like I am a combo of all, but the meds numb me down, and it's hard to tell!

the three faces of ME - today, which one will I be?

Why don't they understand that it isn't just a bad mood?

May 29, 2009 - 8 comments
Tags:

mood

,

Bipolar Depression

,

rapid cycling bipolar

,

isolation

,

paranoia

,

Lamictal

,

Bipolar



Every time I think that my husband understands somewhat about this stupid disorder - he pulls one of these.  "We need to get you out of this bad mood."   WHY DOESN'T HE UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THE "MOOD"!?!?!?!?   Which I have tried to explain that it isn't a "mood" at all - it's a state of mind - not a mood that happy thoughts will lift you from.

I don't choose the down periods - and I SURELY don't choose the rapid cycling.  My doctor has increased my Lamictal to 250mg and it's made me a bit b*tchy, but right now I am rapid cycling between my mania and depression.  At the state I am now - I would usually just isolate myself away from everyone and wait for it to lift.  Now that we live in the same house -  I don't have the ability to isolate and it drives me CRAZY!

It gets so old to have people peering at you (and granted I might be having a tad bit of paranoia) and trying to fix you.  

NO!  I can't pull myself up by my bootstraps - NO, I don't WANT to be depressed - NO, I don't want to isolate....NO, I don't want to have the racing thoughts - I DON'T CHOOSE TO BE BIPOLAR!!!!!!!!!  I AM SO FRE*AKING SORRY THAT MY ISSUES ARE INCONVENIENT!!!!!   IT WAS NOT MY CHOICE TO BE THIS WAY!!!!


ARGHHH!!!!!

"Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says,  "Oh no, she's awake!"

Mar 25, 2009 - 3 comments
Tags:

relationship

,

co-habitate

,

Bipolar Disorder



It's been crazy lately - for sure.  The last several months have been consumed with finding the cure for this weird throat thing, but luckily, my perseverance has outlasted the illness...my voice is coming back slowly.  I have always been a stubborn thing - so I guess me being stubborn lasted longer than the speed of them actually finding out what's wrong with me!

The bad thing is that since I haven't been able to talk, I haven't been able to go to therapy.  Actually, it's not been that bad!  He gave me some good homework to work with and I am putting a lot into practice.  One issue has always been explaining things that bother me without either being too emotional or being furious about it.  I have made extremely good progress in that area lately.  

On the relationship front - my ex and I have been talking for a long long time (as many of you know), and after much talk and thought, we are going to shack up.  I am moving from my townhouse to be at his home (he says OUR home) with our son.  Everything is going well, and am I naive enough to think it's going to be fairy tale wonderful all of the time??  NO WAY - he isn't perfect and living with me isn't easy - for sure.  We are committed to being there for each other and to raise our son together.   We completely enjoy being together - we love each other - and we are each other's best friend.  It's going to be hard and we know it.  We talk things through now - we don't blow up at each other - we don't wait until something's just eating at us before we talk about it....believe it or not, I have used my therapist advice.  NOW, are we getting "married"?? - no - maybe not ever!  but we will be together and for each other- like we have been for the last 12 years.  I am excited and have been through a couple of "episodes" on both sides, so I know he can stand them and I can recognize them!  I have educated, for lack of a better word, on the bipolar issues.  ....  he is blown away at WHY I did a lot of the things in the past  and he recognizes the things he did that triggered them and were just down-right not what a person should do.  so.... that's that.

Still, I am struggling with my illness - both bipolar and my throat issues - but feel that I am finally letting my feet hit the floor with both feet planted FIRMLY.  

It feels good to fell worthy of love.