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Oct 28, 2013 - 0 comments

Selfish is a word that I have been called my whole life or as long as I could understand what the meaning of the word meant. Have you every ran into a person who is only devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others. Some say I'm that way because I am a spoiled child. When you generally think of something as being "spoiled" you think of it rioting. What are things that can riot; milk, bread, cheese, etc., but most importantly a dead human being. Well what if that human being is alive, but still yet rioting away before your very eyes. Ultimately that person is the living dead, right? I do have selfish tendencies. But does that make me who I am as a person. I can think of times and instances as long sky can reach high and wide. Most of those times I didn't realize it was frowned upon so immensely. When I did wake up and smell the roses it only changes a few aspects of how I handle things in life, but not entirely. So where do I stand now? There is someone I love with every aspect of my being and they know me, I mean really know me, but will they still love me for who I truly am knowing that these tendencies may escape me from time to time. Will I intentionally rock this little boat with the prospect of falling off so intense that it may dam well sink the boat taking everyone in it down only to prove a point or to merely answer a question that I've been insecure about all along?  

What's On Your Mind???

Oct 27, 2013 - 0 comments

A lot of ideas, plans, prospects, and which way to turn is going on in my mind on this particular day. My boyfriend wants me to move in, but I've been coming up with excuse after excuse to prolong me moving. One of my reasons for doing this is because deep down inside I feel if I give up my house and move in then I won't have nowhere to run if things go wrong between us. I usually look at the silver lining, but most of the time I'm a pessimist waiting for something bad to happen. I can't help but feel as if I need a way out, a place to run to for safety. These are all fears that I have brought out of myself with the "what if" thinking that I know isn't the right thing to do. I know this man loves me and I know he has my back. He has shown me time and time again that he has my best interest in mind. Letting go and trusting him has been difficult for me. Why? Because in a way I don't trust no one but God himself and if I let my guard down I fear being hurt again. As look over my life and what I've accomplished and where I'm heading in the future, things can only get better if I accept his help. But apart of me is saying if I allow myself to be dependent on him, it makes me vulnerable. It's like bracing for a punch in the face, anticipating the pain and shock of it all, when there is a high chance I'm not even going to get punched. But the prospect of it all is frightening. I want to let go and trust in God that he is what I need at this very moment in life, but I can't seem to let go and be myself. He knows me like the back of his hand. he knows I have a problem with depression and anxiety. He knows what quitting cigarettes would do to me, since I've been dependent on it for so many years. And yet this man is willing to stand by me and go through it with me literally. He quit smoking some 4 years now and started back just so we can quit together. Who does that??? He knows it will improve my life and ultimately it is best for this child that I want so desperately want to have. To find someone to accept me for who I am, flaws and all, is absolutely amazing. The only person who is coming in between this relationship and how this works out, is me and I know it. I'm so afraid of messing this up it's ridiculous. I want to free fall, knowing he'll be there to catch me. Letting go of all my apprehensions, worries, and fears.  


Oct 19, 2013 - 0 comments



life lessons

Emotions can run wild, they can go up or down, and sometimes they can leave you feeling like a stack of bricks sitting on your chest. How do we control our emotions when some people like myself isn't emotionally intelligent. To have true control over ones emotions takes practice and a lot of patience. I've found that when I'm in a state of an emotional frenzy, I can't focus and despite what the other person is trying to convey to me, thoughts of chaos bounce around in my head so fast that I missed the exit to leave those woes behind. Being in a relationship is a lot of work. There isn't one person on this earth that is perfect, and if you found one that claims he or she is, then good luck because that person obviously has more issues than you and me combined. All I'm saying is we all are on this website interacting with one another to feel some sense of belonging. We are not alone in this crazy world, suffering from what ever doom of an illness we carry on with us day in and day out. If you have lived with your illness til now, then you can live with it many years to come. Make the best out of every situation, good or bad, and look forward to the mystery life brings. Today, I'm in an exceptionally good mood, but wasn't a few days ago. My final point is trouble doesn't last always. There is going to be a beautiful rainbow awaiting you after every storm. Be strong and be Blessed!!!! Skiey :)