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The feelings that resulted after finding some special messages only a Mother could leave.......

Sep 14, 2009 - 3 comments

Mom,
         I found the book The Four Agreements and The Penny.You knew I would find these eventually and read the pages you had marked.You had no reason to ever feel guilty for anything you said or did,or allowed Randy to do.I pray that you realized these things were not your fault.Part of our lives Mom,the parts of life we did not want in anyway,much less ask for.I loved you unconditionally.We all make mistakes.I hope you didn't think that you deserved that beast called cancer.You were so spiritual,loving,and thoughtful.We all have are bad sides,were human.As an angel,I know your aware of these things now in heaven,as an angel,the most beautiful & powerful angel ever.I hope your looking over my shoulder reading this right now,in your spiritual form.Your actually happy and free of all these burdens that caused your illness in the first place.I'm sure you were also there as the only descent doctor I've ever seen was telling me what my future,as far as my health would hold for me if I didn't stop doing these things I'm doing to myself.Nobody that wasn't in our family will ever understand why I can't live without you.For without you,I don't even know who I am anymore.I'm so not the same without you in my life.You gave me love,hope,and energy.I'm sorry for always hovering over you.I had to make you as comfortable as I could when you were sick.Forgive me for that.Help me somehow find the will to live again.You prayed for Kobe,and he is a blessing,I know I must live for him,but without you its so damn hard..The heart knows what it wants,my heart longs for the day I'll see you again,and Mom its a powerful thing,this will of mine,as I came from you.Near the end you so didn't give up,you fought so hard,and it was the most difficult thing I ever had to witness,you leaving me all alone in this messed up world.I kept you out of pain,at least I hope I did.Miss you,love you,need you!Your Daughter,always and forever,all my love,Jen

Why my Mom was so special and is so hard to live without......

Jun 11, 2009 - 6 comments

At 3:A.M,before my Mom's service, I was finishing my Mom's eulogy,I came across a journal she had hardly wrote in.When I found this I incorporated it into her eulogy,her own words.What is soul,and how do we live a soulful life?People everywhere are searching for well being,for meaning,purpose,fullfillment,health,and happiness.For life to be good,we need to feel useful,and appreciated,and we long for great relationships-to love and to be loved.Behind all these human desires is the creative impulse of soul.It moves through each of us and through the world we create.And when we can understand,love and respond to soul,we find meaning in all of our experiences,even the difficult ones.On the other hand,when we resist the movement of soul within,because we do not understand what's happening,we become ill,have accidents,experiance emotional pain,struggle with money,work and relationships.Life becomes a real challenge.I was to busy trying to be loved and admired,I need to love myself and take care of myself.I failed.
                                                                              Kathy 7-13-07    She wrote this a few days after she was  
                                                                                                               diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer.

Long trip

May 23, 2009 - 4 comments

I just keep thinking my Mom's on a long trip,denial helps get us through many painful events.Even during the research I was doing,I would ignore the bad.I even told her not to believe in statistics,every case is different.I was trying to keep her hopes up.When I seen her slipping through my fingers,I would just go outside her room,and just cry.I tried so hard not to cry in front her,it just discouraged her.When I told her the bad news the Doctor figured she would take it better from me,they were wrong.I knew a month before she passed that it wouldn't be long.I told her this,she didn't take it very well and was very mad at me.It was the most difficult thing I ever had to say to her.I didn't cry,while telling her,which was so hard.She took that as I didn't care.So,not true,I just prepared myself.I loved her so very much.If I didn't I wouldn't have dropped everything to care for her.Life is so empty without her.I feel so guilty,being depressed,I try to hide that from my son.I'm getting a bit better.My son had an open house at his school,a friend took him,I planned on going too,but just couldn't,as my Mom would have went with me.I have a shrine of sorts,pictures of my Mom & me,one's with her and my son,and some of her,on a table in my kitchen,all the stuff my son made over his school year,I put there for his Nana to see.He's getting so big,I wish she was physically here to see that with me.I miss her and I wish she'd hurry up and come back from her long trip!

My Prayer

Mar 27, 2009 - 5 comments

God,
       This has been the worst day since my Mom joined you in heaven.The picture with her holding my son smiling so lovingly,looking at his face,just beaming right in front of me isn't helping. I can't let him forget her and how much she loved and adored him. The one thing we really shared,the love for my son,her beloved grandson.It hurts so much, her not here with me ,she's missing out on watching our little angel grow up.My fiance doesn't understand my pain in the least.I would understand,but I must say I have never felt such agony,pain,and the feeling of being just lost,ever.I will never understand why you would do this to me.What did I do to deserve this unbearable feeling of heartache? Sometimes I feel like I'll never get over her? Please make something feel right in my life again?I wish I could be genuinly happy and fun for my son,I have to be.Make it happen..and give me the confidence to not let my sadness show at his party and send my angel,my Mom to be with us and inspire me to do a good job for our little guy! In Jesus Name,Amen