All Journal Entries Journals
Sort By:  

The time has finally come....

Apr 08, 2015 - 1 comments

Friends and family are going to start trickling into town tomorrow.....the flowers are being delivered and I'm sure the UPS and FEDEX drivers are quite tired of delivering to our home.  Parties and appointments start tomorrow and I'm ready to start off this party....the wedding of my daughter is finally here and on April 11th, our daughter will wed!

Some of you may remember, when i came on here originally, Jan 1st, 2014, I had referred to the fact that my daughter had gotten engaged on Dec 25, 2013.  I promised my daughter growing up, that if she would just not follow in MY footsteps......go to school, participate, don't get pregnant, graduate high school, go to college, and get married before you have children!  Well.....she did it!  So it was then time for me to put up or shut up!  On Dec 25th, is when I realized that my $1600/ per month drug habit was going to have to go!  I made the decision, was sick as **** for what seemed like forever, and here I am 15 months later....clean, sober and much, much happier.

I was sharing in a meeting the other night that I've reached my goal and accomplished this wedding.  In the back of my addict little mind I was thinking....hmmm, I did it....do I want to stay clean?  I know, duh?????  But I think something happened in the 15 months that I've been immersing myself in N/A.....a spiritual awakening of sorts.....I like what I've learned about myself so far and I'm totally interested in learning more.  Something has been lifted from me that I can't describe....but i do feel lighter.....am I happier today then I was 15 1/2 months ago????  Absolutely!!!!  I don't want to turn back....I want to continue moving forward.....
This is a great time in my life.....and I'm clean to enjoy it!

Starting to remember why I numbed out in the first place???

Feb 19, 2015 - 8 comments

I've been debating wether to put this up as a journal but I'd rather type than write and I really need to try something different. I'm not usually a journaler, so I'll give it a try.  
I find myself losing patience alot, getting stuck in "my head" with these really juvenille thoughts that I just wish would go away.  I'm still clean and still attending N/A but now that I've made friends and involved with most of my family again, it just seems like it's alot of the same old same old ****?  Worry as to why someone stopped calling me, worry that i've said something wrong, letting it get to me what other people think of me????  At 43 years old I'd really like to not give a ****, but I do?  Not only do I care, I OBSESS about it (too myself)....all this is going on in my head, so I'm really mute in meetings where I used to speak quite a bit.  This makes me wonder if really it isn't the people around me, maybe it's the vibe I'm giving off?  How do I snap out of it?  Why sometimes can I walk around with my head held high and others, I feel like an idiot?  You know, the 13 year old girl with no friends, though she wants them?  
I'm taking everything way to personally ( as if the world revolves around me )???  So my sponser didn't call me back after I called her one time?  Does that mean she hates me..,.,.,..JESUS CHRIST.....maybe this is what I used drugs for, to turn my freakin brain off!  Sometimes it's like I'm my own worst enemy?  Had a fight with my husband on Thursday (of last week) and though we're civil, you can still feel the tension.....
I don't know why I expected things in life to be different once I got clean? There not.....it's the same drama, crap, **** that I remember before that I didn't like?  I'm not a good "game player"....if you get what I mean?

Wow, some reflection while I write kind of does feel better.....who knew?????  

Was NOT my intention to make people angry...

May 09, 2014 - 9 comments

For those of you of whom I offended with my post, I truly wasn't meaning to.  My goal was to see what people's idea of "clean", "sobriety", whatever, was.  That was it!  Was wondering if my opinion was off, old, in the middle or where ever.  Again, my opinion is my opinion, and I AM entitled to it...you might not like it, but we are all entitled.  
Something I have learned so far is that a lot of the issues I bring up are really MY issues.  What do I consider clean?  What I consider and what someone else considers can be 2 different things.....that's why I was asking.  I am having trouble in my N/A meetings with people that give advice that are on medications that, to me, take the edge off?  How much easier would it be for me if I took something that allowed me to not feel so uncomfortable in my own skin?  Allowed me to not wake up every morning STILL with this knot in my stomach?  I am so terribly uncomfortable telling people my personal feelings, (it's much easier on this damn computer b/c I don't have to face ya'll!  lol).  Maybe I'm just mad b/c I know I'm not one of those people that could taper and get off in a controlled environment, so the way it has to be for me, is the way IT HAS to be?  
Neither here nor there, again, wasn't trying to offend......


OK.....I need to say something???  

Apr 30, 2014 - 10 comments

And again, I don't mean to offend and I don't mean anything negative, but I really do want to ask something.  I guess I don't understand the thought process that we can harm ourselves for YEARS and get better in 5/6 days?  Am I being offensive when I say "it's still early"?  I don't want to push people in the wrong direction, I only want to say what I know I needed to hear?  If that makes any sense?  I don't want to scare people, but then I also remember being very appreciative of some people telling me the truth!  I really needed to know that it was going to take 3/4 WEEKS, not days before I started feeling a difference?  
I don't know, maybe I'm just being paranoid, but I don't want to turn people off this site either?  I just think it's unrealistic to think that in 5 days, everything is going to be perfect and you can just start your life back up like this never happened?  I think about this every day of my life?  I feel like if we jump right back into that hurried, fast paced life of crap, then we're just going to end up where we were before?  I don't know, talking out of my ***!