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Mar 24, 2016 - 12 comments

Ok so some of you know who Ms. Librarybook is. For those that do not she is a coworker. Well I have been working on cutting the cords visualizations where I imagine the cord of energy between us and the scissors to cut the cord. This has been helping tremendously  however this morning I took the scissors and stabled her. Looks like I got more work to do. I dont know why but I find this so funny. I know, I know but at least I find humor in the situation.

Wow!

Jan 16, 2016 - 12 comments

I now know what I am. I am an empath. I always felt like I was different and I am. Spidey, my dear, thank you. Open mindfullness has 30 traits of an empath. I connected with everyone. I feel like I have stepped closer to the next progression. Spidey your posts on fb lead the way to this knowledge. How cool is that. Btw I think it takes one to know one. I suspect there are a lot of others on mh too. Gotta go ponder my new knowledge.

What a day and it is only 9:17!

Jan 07, 2016 - 5 comments

Man I am really trying but something is not right. Where do I start. No wifi at home only at work. We went last night and bought new equipment but by the time we got home too tired to plug it up. Ok I am dealing. Then this morning after we just made up for the same thing dh is so disrespectful with his comments and then wants to hug me? Get the f*ck out of my sight. So I pushed him aside said no and proceeded to leave. He says with a laugh--have a nice day. So I leave and pull out in front of someone cause my mind is so focused on the current situation. Then I get behind a garbage truck that sprays the leaking liquid all over my new car and windshield. (How appropriate other ppls garbage is spraying me dirty) then I get to work and ms L and another coworker start talking sports as loud as possible.  My friend just told me her recent ex hubs lost his job due to drinking.   Soooo here I am hiding out in the bathroom, trying to stay positive, trying to not let anything get to me but inside I just want to say [email protected] it. I give up and just become the biggest ***** there is and be cold hearted and a bitter old woman. But I know this is not the way I want to live my life. Sooo here I go back to my desk with a fake smile plastered on my face.  When you really love someone do you get your kicks being disrespectful to them....... I think not.

Confused!

Oct 02, 2015 - 7 comments

Ms D asked me a thought provoking question this morning. Who told you you were not contributing--unworthy? Well me. I DID. Here is who. I am a little six year old girl being touched inappropriately by my step dad. Very confusing messages with that but it gets better,  at approx 8 years old come home from school with my sister. Grandma who raised us fixed sis something to eat...doesnt even look my direction...step dad fixes me something to eat cause I am crying...later step dad says all kinds of things to me but he used the situation to have his way with me. Confused. Ha. By now we got a real pattern going on and I havent even gotten to puberty. So of course I got a lot of untrue messages. I tell my mom and she does the ol not true, you misunderstood mind **** to me. So this continues until I am 16 or 17 and step dad comes to my place of employment and pulls a gun and takes me away. Confused. Ha. So cops finally get involved and he is arrested and I run away. Lived on my own and so confused. Started trying to self destruct then. Drugs, drugs, alcohol very bad behaviors.  Yeah confusing. 

So at 21 I marry to a wonderful man who had a bad childhood too. Oh no. What were we thinking? During my marriage it has been a very toxic relationship for me and probably him too. I know we messed our kids up with all the fighting. But some how we are working thru this and are trying to have a healthy relationship and are in a much better place. The kids seem to be coping well with life but I am still confused. If I  get stressed-- boom the negative self talk just starts spinning me right back to all of this. Its like watching a train wreck. I know my thoughts are very negative but I cannot seem to stop them. I know this is the answer but getting there alludes me. So I am writing all of this story to help me and hopefully it may help someone else. This much I do know even though dealing with this is very difficult it is still better than the numbing and hopefully one day I can really celebrate overcoming my childhood. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and not using this much I know.