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Day 4

Sep 29, 2010 - 0 comments

Feeling so much better, I can feel my passion for life returning and have not thought too much about Pills, Today was hard, I got paid and already tried to talk myself into grabbing some pills but I have come too far to go back and I am all about moving forward at this point, like they say one day at a time.....

Day Three alot better

Sep 28, 2010 - 1 comments

I have to say that today I feel alot better, I had an interview for a prospective job and I dumped the girl that I was dating and have decided to start cleaning out my closet and preparing my mind to be ready to fight this addiction, no more last times, or only just this weekend,  It is time to say no more ever again and move on from this hell that I am all too used too, Ive had maybe 3 solid months of Sobriety in the last 5 years and I am sick of it.

Same **** Diff day

Sep 27, 2010 - 5 comments

How did I get here?  Where did I take a wrong turn?  It seems like yesterday I had a house, a loving Fiance, a Job, and now I dont have a Job, no Longer with my Childs mother, living back with my parents and being a loser.  I went to treatment back in March and was clean for 3 months but relapsed after breaking up with my Fiance and moving back at home with my parents.  I usually take 40mg a day unless I have money for more but I am back on the same rotten path all over again.  Stealing, Lying, Manipulating and worst of all neglecting my daughter from her Daddy being at 100% for her.  This is not who I am, I am better than this.  I dont know what it even feels like to be normal anymore, I always turn to drugs when I dont want to cope with the hardships in my life.  My mind talks me into buying pills when I know deep down inside I dont want them.  I wish I never would have started taking them back in the day, I was 17 yrs old and thought I was invincible and could do or say anything I wanted.  I was wrong to say the least and I am still paying for the years spent doing drugs and being physically dependant on pills and weed.  I have to stop like right now, I just cant be this person anymore, I wanna be happy again without drugs, I want to move on with my life and get somewhere for once.  I wanna live and be free from temptation and constant lying to myself

Live Life to Love Life

Jul 19, 2009 - 2 comments

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It has been a Long time since I have confided myself through the use of my thoughts and written advocation.  Today is Sunday July 19th, and I have been clean and sober for over a month and better yet, my Beautiful daughter Jazzlyn, was Born on July 10th.  She is my Inspiration for everything and my intuition to be a better person and provide for her in this cruel world.  I finally realized that what I needed to finally stop was the realization of my situation.  I needed to see things as they actually were, even though i tried in the past I was never able to truelly see the things I was doing and how they affected everyone around me even if they didnt know it.  I was losing myself, and my daughter was losing her father before she was even born.  I was Bingeing in a daily habit of Lying, manipulation, sometimes stealing from those closest to me, and even begging with no self-worth or ability to want or need anything other than that comfy feeling of relaxation and escape from my all too real problems.  Finally I just looked at myself, not in the mirror but as if I was my own best friend and knew everything about myself from beginning to end; almost as if I looked at myself from the eyes of Jesus.  I was scared, lonley, depressed, anti-social, I was suppressing my true talents and my true destiny.  I was damaging my chance to do something great in the world.  I still dont know how close I am to doing something worth mentioning in this world as a whole, but I do know where I am now, and how far I had to come to get here, and how I am never going back to where I was then.  From now on it is a constant rise for knowlege and truth and meaning to my purpose and chance for success in this world.  In the end it is about loving what is around you for what it is, not what you can make it be with the use of any drug or stimulant.  Loving life for what it is, might possibly be the best gift someone could ever have and it is for that in which nobody can truly love everything around them, at least not in this life.  You cannot love without hate, you cannot celebrate without mourning, and you cannot have life without death.  The best thing a person can do is hold true to the postitive aspects of their life and try to love the things that are most in contact with them and love their own life.  Love their own life for the way that they live it and not what some stranger on TV is doing with their life on reality MTV.  When I thought of things this way I realized that I did not love life at all, In fact I did not even enjoy anything unless I was High or minutes away from being high.  That was the worst I had ever felt about myself, realizing that I was the problem, I was the reason for all of my own misfortune, It was me who needed to change and needed to learn to Live and Love my own Life and only that way could I happily raise a family and give my Fiance the Partner that she needs.  I also saw life in a new light that I would like to share someday,  I saw life a as a River and I was navigating downstream with time, there is no way to stop this river it keeps going at the same speed no matter what you do, you cannot stop and take a break or nap, you can choose which channels you would like to take and what way you would like to get there. Where? get Where, the river does not end? you merely go until your vehicle breaks down and then there is no need to continue.  As you are going down this river there are different channels and streams that you can take that in the end will get you somewhere down stream, but by taking that stream you take a risk and you lose the sights and occurences of the other streams and what you would gain from going elsewhere. At some point you also may come across a great fortune and wealth, but it is only at a certain time and place that you may find it.  It is for that reason that I must choose which stream I take wisely and make sure that at that present moment of choosing I am making my decison based on what is truely the best thing for me and my family and friends but your family always should come first and especially your heir, your creation of life, part of you, My daughter: she saved my life and someday I will allow her to read this and know the gift that she has given me.