Addiction Recovery Tracker Journals
Sort By:  

Stumbling and Falling

Mar 03, 2009 - 0 comments

Just when I think I am getting a few steps ahead, I jump back 10 steps.   So this weekend I showed up to do my STS for the county and apparently I have been terminated from the program because of too many absences.  Today I called the head guy of the program and even with my doctors note excusing me I am still kicked out of the program.  The man that I talked to was the most disrespectful, rude and condecending man that has ever spoken to me.  So now he told me that my only option is to do 10 days of straight time with no work release which means that I will most likely lose my job and I told him about it and he said basically that it wasn't his problem.  So now I have to write a letter appealing my wrongful termination and wait till that gets denied, I know it will because the person that is going to read it is the same guy that I talked to today on the phone.  He seriously pissed me off so bad I burst into tears of pure rage and he is very lucky that we were not speaking in person because I dont know what I would have done, but It wouldnt have been good.  So now I am sitting here with anxiety so bad I cant stand still or even concentrate on anything, and all I keep thinking about is all of the problems that I am having Financially, Legally, personally, and I keep struggling from day to day to try and find a good piece of mind but it is hidden from me.  I can't be happy without the help of Suboxone.  I just want to give up and forget everything, today I was driving home and pondered on the Idea of just letting go of the wheel while driving down the freeway, but the thought of my child growing up without a father is not fair.  I just try so hard but yet I make stupid decisons and it always comes back to bite me in the ***.  All I had to do was finish 15 days of STS but I couldnt even do that.  Now I blame the judicial system, but in the end it was my choice to punch that kid and thats what lead me to here.  Tommorrow I am going to go through another maze at the county to try and see if someone could get me into the work release program so I at least don't lose my Job.  I pray that everything will be ok but I still sit and think and think about all the **** going wrong in my life and It dwells in my mind.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the knowlege to know the difference.  Forgive me for my sins and bless my family and friends with prosperity and good health, and dear father god please give me the strength to make it through these rough times and take my life into your hands when I dont have the strength.

Addiction Recovery Tracker

Feeling great

Feb 19, 2009 - 0 comments

Today is day 3 off of the Oxy's and on Suboxone and I havent felt this good without taking opiates in a long time, I feel normal and happy and have alot more energy throughout the day.  My confidence is up and I am ready to start knocking em dead at my Job and get my life back in order.  I am finally excited to be a father because I know that if I am clean from OC's and all other Ophiates I am going to be an awesome father to my child.

Be Blessed and Well,

Addiction Recovery Tracker

Finally a miracle

Feb 17, 2009 - 0 comments

I finally found a Dr that will give me Subs, he went out on a Limb to help me without taking IP treatment, I just have to see a shrink which will probably help my situation.  I waited all day to go to the appointment and was feeling like major ****, this morning I woke up at 5am with cold sweats, anxiety, and didnt even want to go into work.  I mustered up the strength and went in but still was not productful at all and slacked off.  The Dr agreed to give me one days dose at a time for the first week but I am doing really well on it and I called the Dr on his cell phone and told him how I felt after I let a 9mg Tablet Dissolve under my tounge and he was very concerned and told me that he thought I would be successful in stopping OC's on Subs so he was willing to give me scripts whenever I needed as long as I wasn't taking Opiates, Benzo's or drinking and taking narcotics, so tommorrow I am going to stop smoking weed as well and just try to stay on the subs until I taper off and am totally stone sober with no substances.  Right now the Subs are the only thing saving me from losing everything so I am going to stick to the plan and make it.  
PS after taking the Sub I immediatly felt better, almost warm but not quite high, I just felt better emotionally and didnt feel sick as hell.  My Dr encouraged me to take a half of a tablet if I wanted to before I went to bed  and then I he said I might not even need anything tommorrow, I am going to wait and see how I feel tommorrow and see if I am going to take a whole 8 mg tablet.

Addiction Recovery Tracker

Slipped up

Feb 15, 2009 - 1 comments

Well I lasted most of the Day until this evening, when I bought a bag of week to keep my mind at ease I also talked myself into getting 30 mg of Oxy which I did all at once so not here I am not even being able to make it through 1 full day.  Tommorrow I am going to send a req to refill my Adivan so I can start the Thomas Recipe ASAP and try to make it through this week without taking any Oxys and I am broke now and dont even have money to make my Restitution payment so I am going to have to call my restitution officer and Try to talk her into letting me pay at the end of the month.  I guess I will see what happens.  Tommorrow I have to return to work and try to start being productive and setting up appointments to keep raising my commission and try to make my quota.  I still pray that I can make it out of this hole and find true happiness from life.

Addiction Recovery Tracker