I fear achieving my desires. How am I ever supposed to be happy with this fear?  I want to love and be loved.  But I'm afraid of loving and being loved.  I don't trust those feelings at this moment.  I want to become an occupational therapist eventually.  But I'm also afraid of doing so.  What if I don't want to do that after I've sent thousands of dollars on school and year of my time wasted?  What do I do then? waste more time? What if I fall in love and the other person doesn't actually love me?  

I want to eventually adopt, but then I fear adopting as a single mom.

What is up with this irrational thinking?  Why can I go anywhere?  Why do I feel safe and unsafe at the same time?  I want to crack out of this routine of thoughts! :o(

I prayed this morning and as my prayer was ending GP messaged me apologizing and explaining his absence.  I forgave him.  I went to work and was telling this girl about me going to the Peace Corps and she asked if GP was okay with this and I told her I didn't know.  So she insisted on texting him.  I told her she could text him from my phone since they don't know each other and I didn't want to give out his number.  So instead she took down his number and called from her own phone.

I already have anxiety issues and not that comfortable dealing with things with GP because we are not really together I'm just crushing over him.  But she asked him if we were together and told him that I didn't know our status, which I DID.  we are NOT in a relationship, but I don't know what he wants because we haven't spoken. So she took an incch that I was giving her and turned it into a mile of nosey-ness.  I  verbally forgave her but I guess I haven't done so spiritually.

I'm upset that I trusted her and she took advantage of me.  But I don't really mind her bringing up the issue that GP and I need to establish our own relationship status along with some boundaries.

I've texted GP about everything, but I haven't called him because after getting in from my run last night it was pretty late and I was sure he would be sleep.  I'm terrified to talk to him now.  But I don't think I will get over any of this until I do talk to him.


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  I'm glad I start Therapy on monday.  hopefully she can help me fix this mishap.

I went into a few places in search for a job and I had no confidence at all.  i couldn't bring myself to be the presentable young lady that I usually am.  I was scared. And they took advantage of my fear and sent me back to my car crying.

So, today i got laid off BY EMAIL WTH!  I was tryin to act like i was okay with it, but I wasn't.  I wanted to cry but I couldn't.  of all the ways they could have gone about doing this ....why email?