Oct 12, 2009
Couldn't sleep tonight... so I thought some alcohol would help, seems to have worked, either that or the codeine has. Hasnt numbed the pain inside my head though.
Don't know if I',m depressed or what anymore, but I think im heading downward. Story of my life. I just feel like drinking til I collapse.
I know its not good to feel this way, but i can't help it. I need to change, I know that, but I don;t know how. I have been the brave adn responsible one all my life, now I just want to break free and do whatever the hell i please and screw the consequences.
I think i may have also ruined another relationship... really destabilised in that department after I fell for someone this summer. Haven't been the same since. He was heartbroken, an ******* and treated me like **** and only wanted me for the sex... why is it that I still think of him? Why is it that while i was with someone new... someone who was nice and good and responsible i could only think of him?
I dont know what i feel for this new guy, ive known him for quite a while but had never thought of him that way...even though all our mutual friends have said that we were perfect for each other. In fact I pushed my best friend to go with him whilst i was busy with my summer romance. Anyway we don't know what we feel for each other so its best that we dont try anything. Even though i didnt really feel much for him on the physical level (great guy and funny as hell and we get along great with each other, and we kissed a lot and stuff) i dont know why i could see myself getting more serious with him. So confused.
To top it all off, the ex who i hadnt spoken to in a month decides to speak to me the morning after a date with the new guy. I was just beginning to forget about him.
Wow. Major rant. I guess I needed it though.... the annonymity here allows me to be more free than I can be around my friends. It makes me sad to think that I cant really tell this to my best friends, no matter how much i want to. I just cant seem to open up. They're so used to seeing me in control and always the one with the advice that they'd beshocked if they ever knew what was going on inside my mind.
Anyway, the alcohol/drug combination seems to be working and im feeling a bit sleepy. I know I need help and I've been thinking of going back to therapy, but swallowing my pride and doing so is proving much more difficult. I will make it my goal this week to call the clinic, I need it.