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Apathy

Apr 03, 2009 - 0 comments
Tags:

apathy

,

mental

,

medication

,

funeral



Not really feeling much of anything, food has no taste, everything feels blunted. I feel like I should be crying but for some reason I can't, maybe tomorrow after the funeral I will.

Disconnected.

Doing the bare minimum, essential things for those who need me right now. Havent been looking after myself, and I think the crohn's maybe acting up again, or will soon, but luckily I already have an appointment with the Dr next week so I might tell him I don't think I'm ready to be weened off the steroids.

On the plus side, I havent gone completely mental and gone out to get wasted so that I don't have to face real life, or gone into either fits of despair and crying or the other way and gone manic (which I feared... being manic at a funeral would be quite bad).

Also I finally realised that I NEED medication and I can't carry on the way I have been lately, so after all this is over and I get back to uni I'm going to actively pursue this and actually call the Drs or whoever I need to call instead of waiting for them.

Havent updated moods in the past few days.. too busy, and havent really had time to concentrate on myself, but on the whole been down for the last week or so, but that's to be expected.

On another note, my memory is rubbish... keep forgetting where I park my car or bike amongst other things.

On the whole, I'm feeling alright considering everything thats going on... I just feel like I'm moving so slow, and I'm scared that if I stop I'll stop moving alltogether.

Confusion

Mar 28, 2009 - 0 comments
Tags:

family

,

friends

,

changes

,

confusion

,

good



Been with looking after the kids all day and running around after them, which kept me quite occupied and distracted from everything else for a few hours... a welcome change. And then used as a personal taxi service for friends family.
Went out, suppose I had a good time and had only two drinks in the whole night, which is definately an improvement.
Mood-wise, I feel confused. Can't really tell how I feel anymore... I feel like I've been both manic and depressed all day, but like I said, I've been too pre-occupied with other people to really pay much attention to myself... but on the whole I feel good, at least for now, god knows how I may feel later, because I sure as hell can't tell anymore :/ Oh well, nothing I'm not used to dealing with by now!

Crashed... I hate this!

Mar 25, 2009 - 3 comments
Tags:

singing

,

normal

,

depressed

,

hate

,

regret



Hypo again last night... dancing and singing around in my underwear until 5am, amongst other things. Not good! Then as quickly as it came, it went and left me depressed. Now I have to start packing and getting my things together to fly home this weekend and I can barely move.

Don't even remember what else I was going to write down.

I think I'm actually getting worse; mood swings coming closer together and sometimes lasting longer, especially the mania; which feels great but from past experience its usually best to keep myself indoors. Also they dont seem to be in my regular pattern, much more random.

Three distinct moods/episodes yesterday... went from normal to depressed to hypomanic within a few hours. That hasn't happened in a good few months. Thought I was getting better, apparently I'm not.

Feel like yelling at the top of my voice. I hate this! Started to feel stable, started making plans which all seem so pointless now, I feel like I have no hope, no future. A 20 year old looking back on his life because he simply cannot look forwards.

Feeling Good

Mar 24, 2009 - 0 comments
Tags:

good

,

family

,

Exercise

,

swimming

,

depressed



... not great or hypomanic, maybe a little bit down, but thats normal considering what's going on, and definately not as depressed as lately. Still waiting for that appointment, but it will have to wait; flying home this weekend to see my family, they need me. Should be a nice break.
Started getting some exercise again, and I hope to start swimming and maybe even competing again... we'll see. :D