All Journal Entries Journals
Sort By:  

Forgiveness

Apr 16, 2014 - 9 comments

Today I am really learning about what forgiveness really is all about, as a preachers daughter I should know what that word means and live it everyday however it's much harder to do!! Being sober and doing my programs and therapy forgiveness is really talked about plus I want to be forgiven as well so why wouldn't I want to forgive? I have just had such a hard time with this one issue for the last 7 months and I have been throwing it in my husbands face on a daily basis due to my heart then today I was told forgiveness is about letting go of that anger and hurt and not throwing it back in that individuals face anymore it was like a slap in the face!!! I have been hurting my husband and myself over and over due to my own anger and unforgiveness!! I do not want to do that any longer so I have placed positivity cards all over my house with quotes of forgiveness to remind me that forgiving is for me not only for the other person!! I do not ever want to go back to using pills to hide my feelings because I can't forgive! God is really working on my heart and soul right now and I am just opening up and allowing him to which is so wonderful I find myself crying at times just because my heart is so full of raw emotion!

Keeping Busy

Apr 14, 2014 - 2 comments

I have been keeping myself pretty busy which has helped with my moods and the things going on in my head!! Each day that goes by I realize I can do this!!! I have been spending a lot of quality time with my husband which has been good for us as he works a lot and at times that frustrates me because I have needed him the most these last few months well more than that!! I was just too afraid to tell him I needed him. I am opening up more instead of staying quiet which is doing wonders for our marriage I am having a hard time letting go of some of the hurtful things in the past but with God those are also releasing as well through talking them out and letting go of resentments :) it's amazing what you see through a clear head and the things you want to deal with after you get sober you do have more strength then you think you have!! I don't need pills to get through this!! I am strong and I'm a good person and deserve good things!! I just have to remind myself of that when I'm having a bad day! :) today life is good I am very blessed!

Balance

Apr 10, 2014 - 0 comments

I am trying to find a balance on my dam moods it's so hard the go from one scale to the next, now I know it is going to take some time for them to balance out due to how long I took my DOC. It's crazy when you get sober how many issues are still there waiting for you to deal with on top of the issues that need to be dealt with from years of using....at this time my mind is a mental mess!!! I am trying to take baby steps to work it out. Like my Dr. said those emotions have been numb for so long now they are waking up and flooding at me all at once my problem is learning to control them. I am finding that to be the hardest part right now!!! I get so down on myself because I lose control over my emotions and have these emotional outbursts because it's so hard to explain how I'm feeling or better way of putting it I fear to say how I'm feeling what if my feelings are not important?? I know they are I think they are I just don't know how to express them it's really frustrating so I hold them all inside....I have so many things going on in my head that I just want to be able to trust someone as I have been betrayed by everyone I know. So hard to trust people....even now I sit here thinking I have said too much feeling exposed and raw with my emotions out but I know this is good healing to just be able to let my feelings out. I am so thankful for the California sunshine that has been shining lately that is always good brings out the smiles!!!! :)

Life

Apr 09, 2014 - 2 comments

I decided to write how I am feeling I'm frustrated with many things it seems as I got sober I noticed the things that needed to change around me in my families life as well. I have never been one to open up and share my feelings with anyone the fear of them being ignored always was right there so I always kept them hidden never letting anyone close to my heart including my husband and I have a wonderful husband not perfect none of is are but a good man.

I have been stuck in my head for the last few months but even more so now that I am sober noticing things that need to change on other people around me in my family I had found before that it was easier to just take a pill and I wouldn't feel anything and I wouldn't have to open up and I could keep people at a distance more and things didn't bother me or hurt as bad but now I'm dealing with RAW emotion and for me that is very scary my husband is wanting inside my heart and wanting to know my deepest thoughts and emotions and I'm finding that very hard to do.....I clam up get very scared to the point of having a panic attack but I am doing it at a slow process trust is not easy for me he knows this and he knows why he was not perfect so I am trying to open up to him for the first time. I just want to find my happiness again and trust my husband and open up completely without fear. He does know why I have such trust issues that is why he has stood by my side for 18 years!