May 09, 2010
I am struggling at the moment. I can just about remember when things like gaming, watching my favourite TV show, reading, listening to music etc were something I really looked forward to doing after work or on a day off. Now these things seem like a chore, just something to do to help get through the day. I really hate that. The things I used to really enjoy doing. I still like doing them but without going out to work they have slowly lost there fun edge.
I am bored I think too. As time goes by it gets harder to find stuff to do. I think the more bored I get the less motivation I have to find stuff to do and the more depressed by it I get. It has become a cycle. It seems worse now the days are longer, I guess it's partly as I sleep less and partly as I can't do the things outside I used too at this time of year.
If all goes well I should be moving to a city soon to live with my partner. I am hoping this should help a bit. Although this has it's own set of problems. I am so scared I will get lonley and isolated. I only know my girlfriend, her family and a guy I met at uni there. It's not like I have lots of friends where I am now but the few I have are very close and I have come to rely on them. But there are not oppurtunities here, it's the middle of nowhere really and at least in acity there will be more chances of employment (when I feel ready to look for work), and there should be more oppurtunity to find hobbies and the like ot pass the time. Also it means I can move out of my parents home and set up my own place agian.
My parents have been awesome since I had to give up work. They are both retired now and I think I need to leave to give them some time on there own and stuff. I am so glad they let me move home when I got really bad I don't know if I would have been able to cope with the last 4 years without.
I think mostly I hate being scared about the future. A few years ago it was all good. I knew I could get what I wanted and all I had to do was work hard and try my best. It's no that simple anymore. I have no real skills in a job sense, I can't cook anymore as I can't stand. The few academic qualifications I have don't exactly stand out. I have no experience in anything other than cooking/kitchen work. So I am forced to clain SSB's and try to keep positive. Even if I could work at the moment there are so few jobs around I am very unlikely to get hired. I konw companies aren't supposed to discriminate but someone with same lack of experience and rubbish qualifications who is able bodied is bound to get chosen over a cripple.
It's hard not to get down about the my future