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The end of a chapter

May 28, 2010 - 3 comments

So I have what is quite likely to be my final appointment with my specialist later today. I am expecting to be told there is nothing else that can be done for me at this time. I think the actual trip will be a waste of time but best to go I suppose. I am not yet a candidate for ankle/sub talar fusion, I would not want this done at this time anyway, it’s irrevesable as well and with the advances in medical procedures and stem cells I think it would be silly to have a fusion. Knowing my luck the week after I had it fused they would come out with a way to fix it!

At least if he says there is nothing else he can do surgically I will be able to get a referral to pain management, I have heard this is a great help. It’s just a bit though facing the prospect of being in pain and unable to walk properly for the rest of my life, but if that’s the way it is I will just have to learn to get on with it. On the upside it will be really good to know no more surgery the last 4 years have been though with 3 operations jammed into that time. I will have a bit of peace and some time to get on with my life. I just need to figure out exactly what it is I want to do! I think finishing the degree I started is out, too demanding physically. I think having a year finding my feet again and figuring out what I can and can’t do is best. It will take me a while to get back into working/student life probably will start off with a part time job and slowly build up from there.

It’s best not to get too far ahead in my thought process though, one day at a time and all that! Plus need to get today out of the way first, really not sure how I will react to being told there is nothing else to be done. I have known this day was coming and have thought it through. I am expecting to be a little sad and emotional. But who knows....

Weight loss/accupuncture session 2

May 12, 2010 - 0 comments

I got on the scales and am down to 14'8! I am very happy about this, I am so glad my girlfriend talked me into starting weight watchers. I was 17 stone when I started in september. The best part is, it hasn't seemed hard at all. The only difficult part was at the start with getting used to weighing out everything and working out the points for meals I cook. I don't even have ot think about it now. It's just annoying I can't do more exercise like cycling or swimming the weight would come off much faster if I could and I would feel much better I think. Still Wii fit is going ok been doing it since the start of the week. I have been warming up by doing 10mins on the bike and then doing a yoga/muscle workout which takes about a half hour. It has made my ankle swell up a bit but the physio said that should be expected. So I just have to keep up the motivation, It is certainly a more fun way of doing rehab than painful strches and the like. It has taken a bit of tweaking with some of the positions so I can do them without too much pain.

Had second round of accupuncture today, it went well I guess. It makes me get very sleepy when the needles are in and it's very relaxing in. I am sceptical of how effective it will be to reducing pain and stuff but it's nice so don't mind going.

I am feeling much more positive today as well which always helps!

Physio/Needle cushions

May 10, 2010 - 0 comments

I saw my physio today, he is not happy with my progress. I am doing the physio everyday as assigned, however I seem to have hit a plateau. If I do slighltly too much then I get lots of pain and the ankle swells up.(The tingly/numb/increased senistivity between my big and second toe seem to be getting worse as well). The amount of movement I have has increased but the pain is the same. At least it is not so general since i had surgery. It is in much more specfic spots in my ankle rather than all over. The pain in my heel is getting worse again but I was expecting that to happen once I got more mobile. It feels a bit like when you have a stone in your shoe but oon the inside. The burny pain around the back of my ankle is back too and is traveling up my calf again.

So the physio has changed my routine, I am now to do 10 mins on the bike twice a day and streches once a day in the morning when I get up. He also said to start using Wii fit everyday and to design a general routine based around what I can do. I agree with him that generally getting fitter and stronger is a good thing. I did one this morning and saved it so I can do it everyday. I am also to go for a walk everyday he suggested picking a route that takes about half an hour to do that is not too hilly. Once I can do this comfortably I should time myself on the route a few times and work out an average. Then the next week try and take 2mins off the average.

He is also giving me a course of acupuncture to try and calm the pain down so I can push myself a bit with the exercise and walking. I am a bit sceptical about this as it did not do a lot last time, but as always am willing to try anything! I had the first session this morning, I don't feel any benefit from it so far.

I wonder how many people realise how lucky they are just to be able to stand/walk without pain and difficulty? It's so limiting not being able to walk/stand/run etc without pain. I often find myself wondering if I would have lived my life differently if I had known that by the time I was 25 I would be in pain all the time.

Still I must not forget that many more people have much more pain and discomfort then I do so in that respect I am lucky!

Down and frustrated

May 09, 2010 - 0 comments

I am struggling at the moment. I can just about remember when things like gaming, watching my favourite TV show, reading, listening to music etc were something I really looked forward to doing after work or on a day off. Now these things seem like a chore, just something to do to help get through the day. I really hate that. The things I used to really enjoy doing. I still like doing them but without going out to work they have slowly lost there fun edge.

I am bored I think too. As time goes by it gets harder to find stuff to do. I think the more bored I get the less motivation I have to find stuff to do and the more depressed by it I get. It has become a cycle. It seems worse now the days are longer, I guess it's partly as I sleep less and partly as I can't do the things outside I used too at this time of year.

If all goes well I should be moving to a city soon to live with my partner. I am hoping this should help a bit. Although this has it's own set of problems. I am so scared I will get lonley and isolated. I only know my girlfriend, her family and a guy I met at uni there. It's not like I have lots of friends where I am now but the few I have are very close and I have come to rely on them. But there are not oppurtunities here, it's the middle of nowhere really and at least in acity there will be more chances of employment (when I feel ready to look for work), and there should be more oppurtunity to find hobbies and the like ot pass the time. Also it means I can move out of my parents home and set up my own place agian.

My parents have been awesome since I had to give up work. They are both retired now and I think I need to leave to give them some time on there own and stuff. I am so glad they let me move home when I got really bad I don't know if I would have been able to cope with the last 4 years without.

I think mostly I hate being scared about the future. A few years ago it was all good. I knew I could get what I wanted and all I had to do was work hard and try my best. It's no that simple anymore. I have no real skills in a job sense, I can't cook anymore as I can't stand. The few academic qualifications I have don't exactly stand out. I have no experience in anything other than cooking/kitchen work. So I am forced to clain SSB's and try to keep positive. Even if I could work at the moment there are so few jobs around I am very unlikely to get hired. I konw companies aren't supposed to discriminate but someone with same lack of experience and rubbish qualifications who is able bodied is bound to get chosen over a cripple.

It's hard not to get down about the my future