All Journal Entries Journals
Sort By:  

Thursday August 6, '09

Aug 06, 2009 - 0 comments
Tags:

family happiness

,

Humble is great

,

peaceful

,

happy



Where to start?

I've been in such a writing mood these days, typos and all. I'll try to correct them as I go, but hey, it a journal. get over your perfectionism, self, hell, there are so many better things to dwell on. And dwell you're good at. Been cleaning a lot, reading "Dont Sweat the Small Stuff--and it's all small stuff" like it's a text book, pink underlining pen and yellow highlighter, notes in the margins and all. I'm doin it for my Dads new girflfriend, Dee. She says she'll read it to him, since he hasn't read anything since his last stint in jail, he says. Ha. He has big problems with tiny things. The elephant and the mouse, for sure. As I read, I'm getting things out of it, too. And i have the quote a day callendar from the book here in my room. Ok, fair warning voyeur reader, I'm going to jump from random sentence to random sentence from here on out. Hope you can follow along, but this is'nt really about you, VR, it's about me, and how i sometimes actually get something out of my writings. (And some of your coments are very insightful outside perspectives that I really hadn't planned on getting either, but appreciate none the less.) Ok, so today: woke up late, smoked cigarettes like they're free, drank a couple cups of coffee, and off to the shower with my dirddy self. Hubby and I took our kindergartener to swchool registration. I didn't want to go, but went and asked smart questions, and received smart answers. very satisfying. Got hyome feeling good and empowered, so I felt up to making a few phone calls. 1, try to get copay for GI specialist reduced or waived. No dice.2 received info on how to appeal their rules. , Well, before that, I tried to get the location of my GI visits moved from his primary office to my PCP office, where he also works, UH-UH, no way...GI Dr.'s rules if I could have done that, I would have no copay. Ok, so that means $20  pop. So I owe $20 from last time they were kind enough to let me slide on. I've slid a little too long, in their opinion, so next time I go (soonest avail. apt) on September 1st, I owe $40. This visit is just to get results from liver Bx. His nurese won't even tell me about the Bx over the phone. So ok, now I have a question? How often do I have to see this Prescription, EGD, test ordering machine?  Ok, try to make him my primary care doc.Ins. says he's not in the network of Dr.s who do primary care. (See, VR, I told you I'd be skipping along like a pulp fiction) Ok, time to appeal. What do i include along with the request to lower ot waive the $20 fee. SSA award letter, husband's proof of unemployment, lease showing amount of rent, utility bills? Is all that necessary? Is there more necessary? I've never appealed anything, so this is all very over-my-head.

This is a good time to break, get out of this mundane BS, and go play dominoes with my hubby (and our lil guy trying to learn) and have a good time. I wish you all well (if there are any of you reading, that is. i feel pretty humble today, thankful ,and blessed, but Humble is a good one. I like it here.)

Until next time..

~Average

Woe is me...know the words to that one? (and this isn't the place for it, is it?)

Aug 05, 2009 - 0 comments
Tags:

psychological

,

ethics

,

self-mutilation

,

cutting

,

tattoos

,

blog

,

hepc



So I had an appt scheduled to see GI at My PCP office (He's an associate) PCP office called to cancel. I have to go see the GI in his main office to receive biopsy results...for a total cost of $50...if I could see him at PCP office, $0 copay. I can't afford to find out the results of my own biopsy (which was expensive enough already)!! Who can afford all this? I don't qualify for medicaid since I married, but my hubby is unemployed now, and we don't even qualify for food stamps, or medical care for our son, let alone my hubby. Fugg Fugg Fugg.

Anyone DXed with Hep C co-morbid with Paraniod Schizoaffective disorder, OCD, PTSD, Bipolar II, and Borderline personality disorder? Somehow I think all that is unique to me. Now that I have h=the Hep C Dx, ethically I can no longer receive tattoos, peircings, branding, or the like. ETHICALLY I think is the big qualifier there. Any body art Pro always takes precautions to pretect her/himself anyway. They're trained to act as though ALL clients HAVE A CONTAGIOUS BLOOD DISORDER. SO, so what if i want more art? They take necessary precautions anyway; besides, even Drs can't turn you away for care based on a contagion. FOR THEM it's unethical to do so. So WHO"S RESPONSIBILITY IS IT?

I have a need to cut, tat, pierce, and otherwise engage in high risk, self harm such as cutting. Seeing the pain on the outside helps ease the pain on the inside, where I can't touch it.

You know, this proly isn't the place to have this type of blog...(psych)  but I don't know how where to go. I found this place completely by accident in the 1st place. :D  Ha.

I have so much more to talk aboutg, but liek I say, I don't think this is the right place. If y'all can direct me to a more appropriate place, i'd appreciate it.

Thanks in advance for direction,
~Charlotte

Tuesday, 7-14-09

Jul 14, 2009 - 0 comments
Tags:

family

,

Relationships

,

Stroke

,

brain

,

years

,

talking

,

effects



I feel very well today; I'm calm and happy. Went to the gym today for the 1st time in a week because I feel so well. I put in a lot of effort, and even did an extra round on the circut. It's incredible how working out improves my mood and evergy. Now I know what people are taking about when they mention a 'runner's high'. And the effects last all day.

I set out on the road a few days ago to relax and clear my head, and wound up 50 miles south at my Aunt's house. Hadn't seen her in a long while and we had a great visit. I'm glad I went. Family is so important to me, and it bothers me that my Mom and I aren't talking. I said some true-but-hard-to-hear things to her the last time we spoke, and we told each other to "have a nice life". The whole problem started 31 years ago when she abandoned me and my Dad in favor of drinking, drugs, and sex with strangers. I never spoke to her, never received letters or gifts, never met her until I was 21 years old. Never met my 1/2 brothers (2 of them) until then, either.  I grew up with just my Dad, and we never really had a good relationship until I was almost 30. He was a mean alcoholic, and since I was the only in the house with him, I bore the brunt of his emotional abuse. So anyway, I told my Mom she has been nothing to me but one big disapointment after another, and I feel like I was a disposable kid. I secretly call my 1/2 brothers "The Replacements". I resent them, but I know it's not their fault our Mom treated me so badly. (and still does). I told my aunt how it feels to be abandoned over and over, and she told me, 'Sometimes we need to choose an 'Other Mother', which makes sense, and happily, I can CHOOSE my "Other Mother". I have a few prospects. LOL

So, my Dad moved down here to florida with me and my husband and our son last Thanksgiving, and we get along really well; we do things, go places, have conversations together; I've been really happy to have this time with him. Especially since he had a stroke and found out the carotid arteries deep in his brain are 100/25% blocked, respectively, and inoperable. We don't have much time left to share, and I just found out he plans to move to PA with our neighbor, Dianne. He went up there with her last week, just to help her drive. The plan was to fly back down after he helped her find a place to rent. But now he tells me he's going to fly down here to FL, get rid of all his things, pick-up his dog and fly back up to PA and live there. It makes me sad to know I might never see him again, but I also want him to be happy in the few years he might have left (he hasn't had such a happy life, either). He's so young. only 54, and the Dr.s don't give him much time. It saddens me that now he and I have the good relationship we both always wanted, and now he's moving 1,200 miles away. I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

Enough dwelling inside my head. I have to get out of it for a while, so I'm gonna sign off for now.

July 9, 09

Jul 09, 2009 - 0 comments
Tags:

mental

,

mood

,

rain

,

positive attitudes

,

woodcarving

,

stones



As I sit here drinking my morning coffee, I feel very well. All the pain from bx is gone, and I'm even considering going to the gym today. Considering it, mind you. Ha. Today is the day to get our lil guy registered for kindergarten. He was in pre-k 2 years in a row starting before he was even out of Pull-Ups, so school is something he's looking forward to going back to.

Um, let's see now, what's news today? My mental health seems to be starting out ok. I hope it stays that way awhile. I know, we choose how our days will pan out by choosing to have a good attitude. Well, I do usually have a good attitude, but my moods sneak up on me and ambush when I'm least expecting it. One minute I'm happy-go-lucky and then next I've flown off some handle in a burst of rage (and I'm not even tx'ing yet). lol. I once told my former Psych Dr in Michigan about a conversation I had with a good friend of mine,Joe, where I told him sarcasticaly that I'm fun to live with (what with all my mood swings and unpredictability), and he (Joe) said, "Yeah, fun like a monkey with a machine gun!" My Psych Dr just about fell outta his chair laughing so hard. :D  

I feel positive today even though it's rainy and dreary outside. I feel like walking in the woods despite getting my feet wet. Maybe I'll harvest a few sticks out there to carve on, or since I'm a rock hound, I'll take advantage of the rain and look for some good stones while they're wet and the gettin's good. :D

I dunno, but whatever I decide to do, I think it will involve getting wet. Anyway, I'm done journaling for now. Maybe I'll write more later. Ciao.