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Why do our Brains Betray Us?

Jun 01, 2009 - 0 comments

I didn't sleep well because I was anticipating my new job orientation today....nervous about starting a job so soon after quitting.  But I'm hoping it will actually help my recovery because I won't just be sitting around the house all day.

While there we were walking around being shown the place (its just a movie theatre job- anything I can get basically) my hip was hurting really bad- what spurred my addiction reoccurence in the first place.  I took an Ibuprofen 600, then a bit later two Excedrins- then we got to sit for an hour and the pain slowly subsided.  I was so grateful because that pain is such a trigger for me.

Then we were in the office filling out the paperwork, and there was a hole punch piece on the floor, standing in stark contrast to the dark carpet.  My immediate reaction was, "that's a tramadol pick it up" then my rational brain kicked in half a second later and realized it was just a little circle of paper....

I could not BELIEVE how Pavlovian it was- such a conditioned response: round and white equals happy pills.

But I need to tell myself they're NOT happy pills- they're POISON.  They are destroying my life- my chance for a life.  My freedom.  My family.  My self-respect.  There must not be ANY reason for which I go back to those pills.

Got in contact with a thrice-referred lawyer regarding a class action suit against the makers of the Trauma-dol - in which they deliberately marketed it as nonaddictive, knowing full well it activated the receptors of the morphine type.  Not to mention the seizures it causes- I've had at least one that I know of (well, not that I know of, but that my husband and friends know of because I have complete amnesia of the event, just recall the sore tongue and the vomiting afterwards)....but long story short there's not really anyone looking to sue the manufacturers just yet.  If they get enough phone calls though we can encourage them to look into it.  Not for the money reward, but to help save future victims.  The firm I was referred to's number is 1-800-561-5500.  I think the name was Marsy Vitotoe, in California, if anyone feels so inclined to call and make a statement regarding it....not that anyone reads my journal anyways.

Well I'm gonna read "the Alcoholism and Addiction Cure" from Chris Prentiss and see if it has any insight to help me stay strong.  I'll take any help I can get!!!!

I gotta stay strong.  I CAN do this.  I KNOW I CAN.

Can't Sleep, Clowns will eat me....

May 28, 2009 - 0 comments

Dammnit!  Its 7 am, and I think I might have "micro slept" between 1:30 and 4:30 am.  This is after taking Clonidine .8mg, Valerian Root, Diphenhydramine Hcl (Benadryl), and 10 mg Valium, Sleepy Time Tea!  But I also took a Omega 3-6-9 combo pill too.  I was just so anxious- at first I was zonked and thought I might have fallen asleep, but I remember checking the clock over and over....

So I then tried 20 mg Valium and read for a while.  Then got hungry so munched on some candy.  Thought that would do the trick cuz it did last night- i got like 7 hours it was great!!!  But here I am tired as hell but no sleep.  Maybe I can try again in a little bit.

So um, my boobs are getting sore and I'm peeing a lot so I'm scared that I may have just become pregnant....I don't have regular cycles so there's no way to no if its just my period coming.  Last time I got off pills I had three regular cycles then got pregnant but unfortunately had a miscarriage sometime later...

I gotta get a preg test to make sure because even some of the herbal supplements I take might not do well, and Valium certainly doesn't.

I think I'm stressed about the job interview I have.  Actually, I'm more stressed about the painter coming to fix the hole in our roof from last month, and he wants to come around noon- so even if I tried to sleep now I'd still have to get up and monitor, since I didn't want him in our house without me there....we're hiding two felines so you know how that goes in terms of renting apartments!

Well that concludes Day 12, on to Day 13.

I've had teary eyes, runny nose, and goosebumps off and on today, but also a lot of mania- my hubs thought I'd gotten back on the pills because I was so energetic- I think it was just because I got some good sleep the night before.  Each day is so different, this damn withdrawal is a roller coaster.

I considered buying some SAM-e, but then was worried about the side effects it might cause....if anyone happens to read this and knows anything about it lemme know

Peace out and off the Trauma-dol!

L.

Can't I just be cured??

May 26, 2009 - 0 comments

Its 78 degrees in the house right now.  Really nice outside, but I'm ******* freezing!  Got goosebumps all over but sweating in my pits!  How much longer?  I'm on Day 11!  

Been alone all day since hubs is working a super long shift and won't be home until 10:30pm or so.  Got 3 hours of sleep, woke up about 7am, then stayed up for a bit, had some more of that SleepyTime tea and 5 mg Valium and was able to then get another 2 1/2 hours of sleep mid day, till the neighbor's landscaping woke me....argh....

I can't seem to concentrate on TV much, so I've been surfing the net addictively downloading music and such.  I also have been looking for jobs since I've been needing one, and was putting off really looking because I was ******* HIGH all the time!!!  Listening to Adam Lambert singing "Mad World" over and over again, makes me so emotional.

I do have a job interview for Thursday, its just as a ticket taker at the local discount movie theatre but hey its something..... I'll take anything in this economy!

I've also been to the library and checked out a few memoirs and books on addiction.  Augusten Burroughs always entertains, at least when I have the ability to concentrate on a book.  Checked out that "Alcohol and Addiction Cure" book they advertise on TV, so we'll see if that book "cures" me- HA.  If only!

This is the first time I've really been able to sit and write something about myself and it feels good.  At least for the minute.  I'm sure I'll be anxious in two seconds or so.  Then I'll feel depressed for a few minutes.  Then optimistic.  

My stomach is hurting me so bad too!  I don't know why!!! It feels like its eating itself!  I'm trying to eat healthy- not to mention eating a LOT (I lost about 60 lbs on Tramadol and now have a nice slender body instead of being a bit thick).  I don't think the multivitamins and all the Ibuprofen for the hip pain are agreeing with my stomach, but I don't have a choice.  Eating Tums that are two years expired, hope I don't die :)

Later I'll write in more detail about my jail experience from last week....two days for Criminal Mischief and Abuse (I was two days into detox got upset and trashed my apt.)  Now I have to go to court- I had a video arraignment and I could have pled guilty -they changed the charge to Disturbing the peace and  been released for time served but because I disagree with it I pled not guilty thus will have court but they let me out anyways because they're just charging me with an infraction- still who the **** spends 2 1/2 days in jail for an INFRACTION??? I was in there with all sorts of freaks!!!!  And didn't sleep a wink!).  This comes almost  a year after my four days in jail for attempted prescription fraud- luckily no charges were filed.  I'm such a **** up, man.....

I am so ashamed for the stuff I've gotten myself into- but I can only hope that staying clean will put it past me.  Maybe eventually my family and friends will trust me again......  :(