Feb 04, 2014
I'm still new to the site and had quite a weekend studying for an exam I took this morning. Quite a relief. Things have been going well for the most part, though-- by end of typing the following journal entry, my mood went from up to subpar. At the end it goes back to good again. Typical.
I adjusted up on Wellbutrin. Actually saw my pdoc today and talked about reinitiation the Zoloft I was originally on (worked wonders just had sexual side effects). She explained the commonness of it, so I felt relieved. She spoke of all the progress and insight I have had, which most of the mental health professionals and peers in therapy have said to me. I don't really feel it sometimes. Definitely feel like the change isn't happening fast enough, I feel like I'm doing very little with the knowledge. I guess I have to remind myself I can't just heal myself. (I don't know why, I feel as though I must constantly remind myself, "You aren't just asking for medication changes to let the medications do the work. You aren't looking for the be-all bend-all drug solution to your problems.") It's nice to speak with professional help. I have been trying some cognitive behavior therapy (mentally) in regards to anxiety. I generally spend about 3 hours a day at least thinking negatively. I see how it can affect my self esteem really negatively. I read after seeing a "Don't worry, be happy" Conan newscasters comedy reel that reducing negative thinking and anxious thought to 15 minutes a day was a great form of CBT. I try to remind myself to put off the anxiety till later. I'd say I took out maybe 10% of it today.
Fortunately, I am trying much harder in many arenas than I ever have. I attended my second group therapy of the spring semester. It went really well. It's a group with older students or graduate students. Last semester, a girl and I met there as the first other people we've ever really known with bipolar (after diagnosis at least). She joined this group, which I had heard rumors of her doing. So that's great. One of the things the counselor had mentioned the first week stuck out yesterday in group-- it's nice to be able to hear someone say, "Me too." Powerful words. I actually did two new things today I have never really done. One, I went to a yoga class, ironically taught by my former group counselor. I found it very relaxing; I could tell by the end, when we were laying still and listening to her directions for breathing/sensing, that it would have positive benefits for me. Also, the person from group I hit it off with was there. She just broke up with a 3 year long boyfriend, so it's nice to remind myself there is no pressure to make her desire me. I've been much better about that lately, and it feels much more natural interacting with women. I keep telling myself I'd like to wait till marriage at this point. Hypersexuality has created a lot of conflict in my life, to say the least. The funny thing is, when I got on mood stabilizers that issue was greatly reduced. The other thing I did was try to attend a club meeting... some random accounting society with no GPA requirement. I guess the person I heard name the class and time for the meeting was wrong. All in all, I made the effort to go and participate, even if I couldn't join.
I've been a bit more productive lately, cleaning around the house, preparing my compost in the outdoor planter containers. I got an email back from the community garden saying I needed a larger deposit (since they recently updated the requirements). I'm really ready for that to begin. In fact, I am going to try to start my non-gmo strawberry seeds tonight. Maybe by next summer I'll have some nice plants established. I hope I can stay here after I graduate in May. I'm petrified at the idea of trying to get an accounting job. My GPA feels incredibly lacking strength at a 2.8. I do remember, as I mentioned in group yesterday, being at the community college before this... and my class advisor telling me that he thought I should drop out of school and find some sort of trade or factory to work for. I think I had around a 1.8 back then. Mostly due to attendance F's. Worked really hard, arguing my way towards a degree with the dean of that particular department. Had so many people telling me the wrong way to go.
Speaking of that, got a hospital bill today. I went the about a week and a half ago for an injury skateboarding. Ironically, I had been telling my tdoc I felt up, though he admitted I looked collected. I usually try to, just from how people have reacted in the past. So I got hurt skateboarding, really just trying to get out of the way of some people. I'll refer you to a picture I drew yesterday of it which is easier than hearing the explaination: http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e70/darwinmoses/kneetime_zps404d3572.png Looks like I'll be paying 1200 after insurance takes the other 3800 of a 5k bill. It makes me angry. I had the weirdest sensation of my knee turning like 90 degrees to the left from the pressure. I tried to stand up after in front of the people to show I was fine. Leg just competely gave out as if it didn't have anything holding it together. Rolled as far as I could down a hill and found my buddy. I had tried to walk it off myself, but it just kept giving out and I was falling every time. So, with my knee completely buckled, after I could move my kneecap around much further than normal, my friend and I staring in disbelief at the shape my shin was attached to my knee, we decided I had probably done something serious to it. I thought it had left socket at first, then I thought I tore absolutely everything in it. Basically, I went to the hospital and they gypped me. Decided it would cost too much. I obviously couldn't walk- was sitting in a wheel chair. Had just told my friend, "Let's go. I know its Friday and I'll have to wait all weekend to see my school doctor or a specialist, but I just can't afford a $1,000 x-ray". The knee was in no pain if I kept it still. Right then, I got dizzy and started to get tunnel vision. Suddenly a nurse is yelling in my face and trying to get me to return to reality. They said, "We're getting you back here..." X-rayed it, said it was just a sprain and didn't do anything else. That is other than blood work for some reason, along with a CAT SCAN of my HEAD?? And not knee. They said, "Oh we want to be sure you didn't faint because of something serious," I was like, "I can't afford this, I don't want to do this" The dude just nodded and wheeled me in there. I had 30 seconds of being faint, 2 minutes of looking white, and 2 minutes of a little dizziness to get better. It's what happens when people faint at the idea of having a completely torn knee for a 3 day period alone. To top it all off-- later-- the nurse asked if I thought I was dehydrated. I said, "Sure- probably, I was just skateboarding for 5 hours. of course I am". She comes back and without saying anything sneaks an Iv into my arm (which already had all the catheters in it). I wanted a glass of water. This is after we all know I'm not going into surgery or anything too... no need for an empty stomach. Nice to know that the most expensive bottled water in this state is probably cheaper than that IV was. Looking at the bill, it's on there-- perfect. Makes me angry. I see why the medical industry has a bad name. It's no good if I get lash back for getting medical help because of these types of systems.
It kinda soured my day for me. Not only that, but I'm hearing my neighbor couple playing their TV loud as **** where I can here it at the other side of my apartment, door closed. I left them a note about a week ago. It's getting ridiculous where I'm about to go knock if I hear it 3 more times in the next 10 minutes... Getting agitated-- not where I want to be after just completing 4 days of very hard effort. I guess it's time to think of something constructive that will help me out of this slump. Great-- I was about to start my indoor seeds for the garden today.
(Flash forward to now, about an hour later)
I spoke with my sister on the phone. Went over some of the day's frustrations. She gave me some help thinking of ways to postpone dealing with the issues till I am not mad. Headphones and earplugs, along with something to do, for the neighbor. Getting a good night's sleep after doing something I enjoy. I feel better already, ironically the neighbor is quiet pretty much at this point too. Going to sterilize some soil I think, start up some strawberry seeds and this coriander sprout. Sounds like fun for a green thumb. Feeling much, much better... I didn't sleep much lately, just went through a bunch of stressful work. I understand how it tilted the scale so quickly and drastically now. I definitely learn a little more about myself every time I stop and think hard about what is going on. I need to avoid letting the stress become the only thought. I can step back and be objective about what's going on; think.