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struggling

Feb 15, 2014 - 9 comments

I am having such a hard time.  Please MH friends, I don't want to burden you.  Please don't feel obliged to comment back or even read.  I really just need to write so I can cope with some of this frustration I am harboring.  It is too much to keep inside at this point.  I feel like I am going to burst.

Yesterday was Valentines Day.  For the past 16 years it was the happiest day of my life.  My (soon to be ex) husband and I met on Valentines day and we have always celebrated it as our anniversary.  Unfortunately, yesterday was not a cause for celebration.  Instead of being happy, we got into the worst fight we have ever been in.  This divorce has wreaked havoc on my life.  I am trying so hard to stay positive but I am really struggling today.

Being in WD is not helping the situation at all.  it is taking my emotions and making them a thousand times worse.  I never realized how numb I used to be until I now see how painful my emotions really are.  i am sorry for complaining, but my life has turned upside down.

I wish I had family around.  Unfortunately, my parents live in Fl and my brother lives in TX.  With going to divorce court all the time and trying to fulfill my legal obligations (divorce is a lot of work I have found out; there is a lot of documentation required) i just can't get away.  I want nothing more than to run away to Florida right now and escape my life for a month or two.   I think getting away from my (soon ex) husband right now would be the best thing to do.  Everytime we talk, it ends up being World War III.  Unfortunately, to see my kids I have to deal with him.  I am at the point right now that to protect my emotional health, I may need to stay away from all of it for a few weeks until I regain the strength to deal with the situation.  I think I will just send cards to my kids for a little while why I regroup.  An unstable mother is much worse than an absent mother for a few weeks.

I wish I had a better support system.  (My (soon ex) husband has been my entire support system for the past several years.  I have depended on him completely, I got married very young and he is 10 years older than me so he was always my sole supporter.)  Since I got sick a few years ago, I dropped out of many of my social circles.  When you are sick and struggling to make it through the day, you have no desire to go out at night and socialize.  (Plus, most people get tired of listening to other peoples ailments, I can't blame them, that is life.)  I just wanted to go to bed.  I also think all the meds I was on played a part in that as well.  Fentanyl killed my ambition and motivation.  Prior to being sick, I was an overachiever.  I graduated valedictorian from my university, Summa *** Laude.  I ranked number one in my pharmaceutical company for sales.  I supported my family making twice what my husband made at an attorney and i paid his entire law school loans with my bonus one year.  I had drive and energy to burn.  Now I am living on $2000 a month in social security.  (I do not receive any alimony and my husband wants child support.) I am lucky if I can shower most days.  Put on make up and blow dry my hair?  not so much anymore.  

Everything is such a struggle for me over the past few years.  I ruined my marriage because of it.  I take full responsibility for the demise of my marriage.  I turned into someone I wouldn't want to be married to.  My husband told me he didn't want to be married to me anymore because he was bitter that he couldn't live the life that he wanted to anymore.  he couldn't go away for the week with his friends or make any committments for extended plans because he couldn't count on me to take care of the kids if I was sick or hospitalized.  It hurts terribly to be rejected by someone you love.  He told me last night that he and the kids would be better off if i was dead or just went away for ever and never came back.  I told him that was abusive.  He said it's not abusive if its the truth.  I guess the truth hurts.  I am not suicidal because I don't believe in that, I would not let him win.  It still hurts though.

This child custody struggle is wearing me thin.  i saw the report that he gave the court and he flat-out lied.  he made me out to sound like an absentee mother when nothing could be further from the truth.  i will admit that I have been sick and hospitalized often throughout the past several years, I have not been able to be the perfect PTO mom, but I did the best I could with dealing with all my illnesses.  I sent him an email last night reminding him of all the good things that I have done as a mom, I volunteered once a week in every kids classroom and was a room mother.  I went to every single parent teacher conference and school presentation.   I drove to basketball, soccer, gymnastics, dance, girl scouts, boy scouts and every other activitiy.  I fought for my youngest to get birth-to-three services for speech and had her receive services 2x a week for 2 years.  I joined playgroups for each of my kids so they could interact with kids their age and brought them to storytime at the library every week for crafts.  I fought for my middle child to get outside testing and diagnosed with dyslexia/dyspraxia so she could get services through the school because insurance doesn't cover it.  I took those kids to every single dr. and dentist appointment--which for 3 kids is a lot (my pediatrician had never met my husband until last year!)  I planned and hosted every single birthday party for those kids and sent treats into school every year on their birthday.  Every school break i took those kids on trips to the museum, science center, apple/strawberry picking, Six Flags, various parks and splash pads.  These are just a few things off the top of my head that i did for my kids.  

And you know what my husbands report to the court was?  She was an "absentee mother that did the bare minimum in participating with her children".  I agree that i was sick, sick a lot and spent a lot of time in the hospital, getting IV infusions, and getting much needed bed rest.  But, despite my illnesses, I don't think a completely absentee mother would have done half of the things that I did.  The bottom line is that the court will believe my husband, a fine upstanding attorney with a stable job excellent health.  They will absolutely take his word over a physically sick woman battling multiple illnesses, taking 24 different medications including heavy duty narcotics, supported by the government on social security and battling with severe depression and serotonin syndrome causing erratic behavior from being overmedicated the past 4 years.  I don't have a snowballs chance in hell to regain joint custody of these kids.  I wish i would have had an attorney earlier, because I found out I was manipulated in a lot of ways.  In december I signed away custody because I did not have an attorney and he told me if he didn't do it, he would make my life miserable.  i just wanted it over and signed the form.  I regret it terribly now.  He has made my life miserable in other ways.

I know I have said it a thousand times, but I am just struggling so much right now.  I don't know what to do at this point.  i am so angry that he told the court that I am a worthless mother.  That is the most hurful thing anyone has ever said to me.  That was even more hurtful than telling me he and the kids would be better off if I was dead.  That I can deal with, but discrediting my entire past is beyond any pain that i can express.  As i have thought this out, I know what I need to do.  I need to stop all contact with him for a while, 2-3 weeks at least.  I am sorry that I won't be able to see my kids, but in the long run it will be better for them to have a more stable mom.  I am no good for anyone right now.  When I talked to him last night, I blew up as a result to his insults and that does nothing to enhance my credibility for working towards stability.  I need to increase my support system.  I need to try to get out more and make some new friends.  (All of my previous friends were mutual and it has become a very uncomfortable situation; he has made sure to spread all of my issues around town so he won't be blamed for abandoning his handicapped disabled wife.)

I need to do whatever i can to increase my support system, make new friends and get out more.   i need to do whatever i can that doesn't involve him.  I need to make every effort to lead my life without him.

I love you all MH.  Thank you for always being there.  I don't know what I would do without you right now.  MH has turned into one of my main support systems.  Love, love, love you all.



Comments
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1742220 tn?1331356727
by meegWpaw, Feb 15, 2014
Oh Heidi.  Heidi!

you know I understand.  I don't have the children aspect but the rest of it OH how I can relate.  right now it is best if you don't talk to him.  it is SO emotional it is just rife with problems.  he only has to utter one syllable and it can slice to your heart.  just avoid calling him if you can.  sometimes you just dial that number and you don't know what your fingers are doing huh.

I love you Heidi.  THIS WILL GET BETTER.  ppl told me that and I didn't believe them, YOU don't know what im going thru, is what I thought.  but know what I am quite a bit better than when this all started.  I am getting through it ... it is painful but its BETTER than it was.

Of course you are an excellent mom Heidi I don't doubt that for a second just knowing you.  We have all made mistakes and done things we regret and lived our lives in ways we didn't want to while using.  Your kids still had their mom.  My ex is drunk all the time and his son is DEVOTED to him, ADORES him bc he's his dad.  He hangs onto that.  Your kids love you.  I know that.

couldn't you have some kind of intermediary to get the kids to you so you don't have to deal with your hub?  or maybe now is just a time for you.  for you to regroup.  you need to what you think is right and what s best for your health and recovery.  and I mean emotional and mental health too not just physically

Heidi please don't believe ANYTHING your husband says right now to characterize you or whatever he says in any way.  right now 100 percent of what he says comes from HURT and anger.  its not logical .   he is not really considering things, least of all You.

it hurts me that you were sick and that you were abandoned in your time of need by someone you love best.  that is another thing I can relate to.  I do not think I would do this in the same situation.  I would want to stay there with them. I wanted to do that for my own hub with his substance problem ... I still try to help him.

the paperwork for the divorce is a lot and it socks especially if you don't have a lawyer.  I think that will abate from time.

I am so glad to see you reaching out to the MH community.  They love you Heidi

and so do I

Meegy

6990909 tn?1435275816
by jugglin, Feb 15, 2014
Sweet Heidi -
Never feel as a burden to us.  We love you unconditionally.  Come here as often as you need to...writing is good for the soul.  Putting your struggles, your thoughts in writing helps.  Vent, cry, SCREAM if you need to.  It is very therapeutic.  It helps to express your feelings instead of suppress your feelings.
You have been a great mom over the years.  Kids are tough work...school, appts, extra-curricular.  You were doing it all, even when you were struggling with your health you never stopped loving and caring for your kids.  You are a very strong woman.
I am so sorry for the way you are being treated by the ex.  I can't imagine the hurt, anger, disappointment, betrayal you must be feeling.  I really can't.  
What do I know?  I know that you are a warm, loving, caring person.  You are a genuinely good person with a willing heart and desire to console, uplift others.  You are a good soul.  
Please look in the mirror...tell yourself that you are a wonderful person...one who has struggled...one who will fight...one who will overcome.   Say this over and over.  Fight to keep his words from over-powering you and where you are headed.  
Fight for you.  Believe in you as we do.
Always here for you Heidi!
Love you,
J


7602516 tn?1392489704
by liveactiondockery, Feb 15, 2014
He did marry you for better or worse! What a jerk!  I can't believe the way he talked to you. If he was in your shoes I bet you would still be married. You are a very strong woman hang in there God will pull you threw!

Avatar universal
by ROSYouralright, Feb 15, 2014
Hey H!! I KNOW the STRUGGLE and the PAIN of it all. Your right.. Take a break & get yourself right!! It will all be okay in the end. Takes ALOT of faith to believe that but it REALLY will.
I am here if you need to talk & I am holding you up in prayer. I'm just so very sorry that you are suffering like this.

5986700 tn?1380791380
by spider6, Feb 15, 2014
Heidi, man, my heart goes out to you girl!  You've really got a full plate.  Just want to send a shout out for moral support.  I sense you are a warrior, you can do this just keep posting and stick to your plan.  New places and friends are a great start.
Prayers and hope and hugs

695104 tn?1442193588
by calamfred, Feb 15, 2014
H,
You know how I feel about you, girl! You're one of the strongest, most committed to your aspirations, "hang in there" people I have ever seen. I can't say in a public forum the words that came to my mind when I read what your soon to be ex said...but I can say "RUBBISH!".
Again your strength amazes me. And being strong also includes letting others who are supportive help you out in any way they can. I pray for you and your kiddoes daily, and am adding in extras now.
You know my mantra, "In the garden of life everyone has a row to hoe, some people just have more weeds." You are working on getting those weeds out. And we all know how beautiful a garden is with them gone!
Stay strong, and in that do what you feel is best for you....
Healing hugs,
K

6815927 tn?1395511425
by ThePhoenix75, Feb 15, 2014
Thank you everyone for your help.  I went out for dinner with a friend tonight and ended up staying in a hotel to avoid the 8" of snow that is falling down.  I will be home in the morning and will talk to you all then.  Thank you again for being there for me.
Love you,
Heidi

1235186 tn?1549257619
by atthebeach, Feb 15, 2014
Good for you Heidi. I am proud of you for getting out.
That's just what the doctor ordered.
I pray you are enjoying your time out.
You are doing awesome my friend.
Stay strong.
Keep up the good work.
You are loved

Avatar universal
by cin333, Feb 19, 2014
Hi Heidi..I was just reading your posts..I feel so sad for you..But you are and still a good and great mother. I don't understand what is wrong with your ex. You sound very supportive to your family,I know you are battling the journey of titrating off Fentanyl(which is very hard) I am also going through this journey..it is not a journey it is going through a road of evilness. You need to take care of yourself physically,emotionally,mentally,and spiritually. I know you have a lot of stress built up inside your body,you have to do what your body is telling you to do. I'm glad to here that you went out on the town the other evening. You need the help of your friends now in this period of your life.Sorry I have not messaged you since last wk. I have been having hard times myself with titrating from Fentanyl..now I am at 37mcg. I see my p/m doc. in two wks. then we will be at 25mcg. I am still taking Dilaudid for b/t pain. this past few wks have been quite a challenge for me,we are having lots of snow and freezing temps.(my body hurts so much from the weather)My next door neighbor helps out a lot with the snow and my roommate is the best. I want to wish you the best and try and stay positive,I know it is hard...but you sound like a strong women. Keep in contact with the site,I believe we are all pulling for you. Hugs/Smiles God Bless  Cindi

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