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Feb 16, 2014 - 16 comments

I just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone to reaching our for your support.  I really can't thank you enough.  This site and many of it's members have been invaluable to me in my recovery and mental health.

I am doing a little bit better today.  I did end up going out last night (yay!).  I had met a woman going through a divorce last month at a bar that I went to see a band one night.  I have joined "Meetup" online and have met a few nice people through there.  (Living in a small town of 5,000 people is a fishbowl, every body knows my husband, myself, and now all of our dirty laundry.  I have been making a concerted effort to get away from my small town and meet people that don't know either of us.)  Anyway, this girl that I met I ended up texting a bit and we met out for dinner last night.  The weather was awful!!  I didn't realize how bad it was until I got on the highway and saw 3 cars spun out on the road.  As many of you may know, I am terrified of driving, especially in the snow, but I was determined to go out last night and get out of my funk.  I finally made it out and we met up at a nice restaurant for dinner (I am broke but was splurging--but we were there so early we ended up eating the "bar bites", $3 dollar fried mozzerella app, $4 dollar gorgonzola, carmelized onion and pine nut flat bread, and $5 truffles for dessert?  can you believe it?  An this an upscale restaurant with entree's typically $20-30 a plate.  I've got to get out more and take advantage of those deals...

anyway, the weather was so terrible she had points for the Hilton Garden Inn across the street and she suggested just getting a room and hanging out.  (I felt bad and declined at first because I knew I couldn't kick in to split the room, but she was adament that she just had her divorce settlement this week, got a big chunk of change, and didn't mind using the points.)  We bought a bunch of munchies (chocolate of course), went back to the hotel and hung out talking until 4:30 this morning about our divorces and getting back into dating and the real world.  It was something I haven't done in a long time and it was nice to vent.  When I got up this morning the roads were finally clear and (although tired!) I was able to drive home safely.

My ex brought my girls over today and it was wonderful that I was able to see them.  I miss them terribly, and it is always bittersweet but I will take spending time with them every chance I get.  My middle one was at a sleepover last night and exhausted so after we ate lunch the three of us snuggled in bed together and cuddled.  We took turns scratching eachothers backs and it was so cute.  My little one (5) knows I love having my back scratched and hair brushed and she was trying to do both at the same time--It was so sweet!  Sounds corny but what I miss most about them is not being able to hug, cuddle, and kiss them every time I want; I feel empty when they are not around.  When I see them, I can't get enough, I am constantly pulling my 5 year old (who is tiny, about 35 lbs.) onto my lap and picking her up; I know she thinks I've gone overboard but holding them right now and having that physical contact is so important to me. I had bought them Valentines day cards, mylar balloons from the dollar store, and Barbies that I got from the grocery store last night marked down to $5 after valentines day--they were so appreciative, you would have thought I gave them an iphone.  It is nice to make them happy for so little.  My middle one made and brought me a painting of a heart with both of our names on it; I feel like framing it professionally and putting it in the living room above the sofa.  A few years ago I would have appreciated something like that, but now it means more than it's weight in gold to me.  You don't realize how much you appreciate something until you lose it, then it becomes much much more treasured.   I know I quote Buddhism a lot, but there is a lot of wisdom in their teachings.  One of my favorite is along the lines of you must embrace the dark to appreciate the light.  There is so much truth to that belief.  I would never wish what I am going through upon anyone, but i will say in some repects it has changed my life and opened my eyes in ways that I never would have needed to previously.  I don't know if the lesson learned is worth the pain experienced, but I can't change things, only learn from them.  (Trust me, I talk a great game and can quote all the wisdom in the world but in practicality, I have a hard time applying it to real life though.)

I know I wasn't going to face my ex and forgo seeing my kids to regroup and recover emotionally, but I caved.  I texted him last night and asked to have the kids today.  I did not want to see him today, everytime I do I end up frustrated and unhappy.  (No, unfortunately we don't have a mediator to coordinate visits between us, we have no mutual friend/family that we would involved and are trying not to get a professional involved for that purpose.  We are trying to hold ourselves in check around the kids and keep things to appear as stable as possible for their sake.)  It does make things extremely painful to deal with at this point though.  Fortunately, we were able to keep things smooth today between the two of us.  My real issue though is that as frustrated and angry I am at him, I still love him in many ways.  He has been my support system for 16 years and to be suddenly cut off from that support is like suddenly losing your arm.  Seeing him is excrucuating, I can't explain my emotions but it is along the range of frustration, resentment, anger, and raw unrequitted love.  I am more stable when I can avoid him, but that is just not possible right now.  I am working towards letting go of those feelings, but I am human and it is easier said than done.

I wish terribly I was from CT and had strong roots here and family.  My father was in the navy, and I grew up living all over the US, from South Carolina, Alabama, Rhode Island, San Francisco, (at some point Kansas when he retired), back to California and then to CT when i was in my 20's and wasn't ready to live my life on my own with no family near by.  I love my parents deeply but sadly do harbor some resentment towards them for moving me around so much.  I don't think they realized how traumatizing that is for a child to go through, to always be a new kid/person everywhere.  They seem to think it was a great experience for me to live all over and meet new people but I see things differently.  I have never lived anywhere long enough to develop life-long friendships and grow roots.  As an adult, I desperately need those life-long childhood friendships that i was never able to develop.  As a result of my past, I have sworn to myself that I will never do that to my children.  I will give them stability in terms never making them move to a new state and start their lives over.  I never want them to have to be the "new kid" every few years.  I want them to have the opportunity to cultivate friendships and keep them throughout the years.

I am somewhat social and can make new friends, but it isn't the same as someone that knows you their entire life.  Speaking of making new friends, I was going to go to another "meetup" event tonight, there is a comedy club in new haven, about an hour away, that had comics from NYC there tonigt for a $5 cover.  It sounded like fun but I am honestly exhuasted from staying up all night (and happily playing with my kids today.)  I am going to bag out on tonights plans but I don't feel guilty because I at least made it out one night this weekend.  "Meetup" (like medhelp) had been a godsend.  I learned about it from a depression therapy group this year and had never heard of it--I am so glad I did now.  People organize events to do everything from movies, bands, hiking, yoga, dancing, wine/chocolate tasting, restaurants, comedy shows, bowling/brunch, therapy groups, book clubs.  It is really amazing, you can just go onto the site, pick something that looks good, rsvp and voila!  instant entertainment and new friends to do it with.

Anyway, if you have read this far you are probably sleeping by now.  I really do find it is helpful to journal my thoughts.  It helps clear my mind and putting things on "paper" seems to take it off my mental plate and deal better with my struggles.  I really do love all of you at Medhelp, thank you for always being there.  You are angels.

love you,

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Avatar universal
by digger1976, Feb 16, 2014
Thank you for sharing this with us, so happy things are moving forward for you! So happy you got out of your funk and had an enjoyable night with a new friend, and the road was clear the following morning, A SIGN maybe? Go have fun with your new found friendships and make every second count, sobriety can be awesome if we are brave enough to allow it.

Much respect and love, Dig, ;)

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by ThePhoenix75, Feb 16, 2014
thank you Digger, maybe you are right--maybe the clear roads is a sign of clearer times ahead?  I will take any positive possible sign I can get my hands on!

thanks again for being there, Heidi

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by clean_in_ks, Feb 16, 2014
Well I didn't get sleepy...LOL....I enjoyed sharing this time in your life with you by reading your latest journal.

You are doing just are!  I was thinking back to the first time you you realize how far you have come??????  WOWZA BABY!!!  ?????  You're getting close to jumping now...but do you really REALIZE how much dope you were on just not long ago?????  You are just kickin addiction's a s s BIG TIME.....(pickin and grinnin!!)
I'm REALLY proud of you....and see SO MUCH change in you!!!!  It's just plain delightful....!!!!!!!

As you describe your heart.....where your children are concerned AND you hub.......I can feel you feeling your feelings once again.  I love the cuddle, brush hair, scratch your back scene.  I envy you that.  And you are learning to love them in a "simple" way due to all the changes in your life....and sometimes "simple" is better, you know?  Their hearts are receiving their Mama's love once again.....they see, feel, hear, and share your progress, too.  I'd hold em and kiss em as much as I could, too!!!!  

The "meetup" connection sounds like a great way for you to experience life again...w/o being chained to your hub, the small town fish bowl impression-deal, to all that has gone before you.  You are making new memories, new friends, new experiences with new people.  And I think, though your hub would NEVER admit it at this point in time.....he also sees changes in you.  Time and healing on your part will totally change the outcome of events to come....especially compared to where you were when you found MedHelp, right?

On the moving around thing....and the life-long friends.....let me give you another point of view, ok?  I pretty much lived in the same place most of my growing up years.....albeit my father did put us thru a geographic attempt/change, alcoholic move to Hawaii and back when I was in the 7th grade...hahaha......BUT......while I had friends then....right this place in my life.....I don't have ANY of those particular life long friends anymore.  Too many changes for all of us, I guess.  I have fond memories....and an occasional interaction with some of them......but the people present in my life RIGHT NOW are the onces I cherish.  I understand your regrets....and having to be the "new kid" all the dang time....but you are the amazing woman you are today BECAUSE of that!!  OK????  Roots are good......and blooming where we are planted is too.  I think your blossoms, Heidi, are fragrant, beautiful and full of color.  And your past MADE you beautiful.

Thank you for your journal......I love hearing about your times with your blessed you are~
(((HUGS)))) to you Pretty Prairie.......

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by jugglin, Feb 16, 2014
Oh Heidi -
I love reading your post today.  You are moving forward an taking control of your life.  Meeting new people and stepping out - even when you didn't particularly feel like it.  Jumping on CIK's comment regarding change.  I went to counseling early on in my marriage.  One lesson I carry with me today is that as we change, so do those around us.  Their change may be positive or it may be negative - we cannot control their outcome.  But we can trust that our change will have an impact.
I love hearing about your time with your children.  What a special time you shared with them today.  Hug, kiss, snuggle  away.
You are such a strong lady and have come so very far. Keep pushing forward!
Love ya,

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by meegWpaw, Feb 16, 2014
Heidi I am SO happy for you ... but kind of jealous!!!!   how do you get to be so social?   can you pleez come and teach a class?   you have done more in the time I've known you than ive done in a year!   I want to come back to read this more later cuz I am considering going to a meeting soon ... jeez, if I were you i'd already BE at the meeting!!!! amazing!

love you Heidi!


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by ThePhoenix75, Feb 16, 2014
Meegy, you are so sweet.  
I am not terribly social, I've just had to find ways to meet people out of desperation.  
If not, I would never get out of the house.  (Also remember my parents moved me all over so I had to learn to make friends; sink or swim I guess.)
I also joined a Meetup on Saturday mornings that a guy teaches a yoga class for $7 (bargain of the century!!) then we go to Starbucks afterwards.  I really love this meetup deal.  If you want, I'll send you the info?  It's a national site and filled with people that are new to an area, going through a life change (divorce), last people not to have kids and need new social groups, people that just want to try something new (whirlyball? go kart racing? really different stuff)  Anyway, it's really just normal people that want to make new friends for or do new things.  here you go friend:

How about the Los Angeles Hiking group?

My kids have Valentines Day parties on Wednesday (school was cancelled for snow on read Vday) and I volunteered to make cookies.  Every kids wantd a different kind (of course). Son wants molasses, middle daughter wants cinnamon sugar-butter cookies, and my youngest wants chocolate chip.  So I need to make 12 dozen cookies tomorrow!  Anyway, when I think of cookies, I think of you :o)  What is your favorite?

I love you too meegy,

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by ActingBrandNew, Feb 16, 2014
"I know I quote Buddhism a lot, but there is a lot of wisdom in their teachings.  One of my favorite is along the lines of you must embrace the dark to appreciate the light.  There is so much truth to that belief. "

There is a lot of wisdom in Buddhism and I loved what you shared...its why I copied and pasted above. Great journal post by the way! I didn't get sleepy :)

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by ariley13, Feb 16, 2014
You are doing such a great job lady! Proud of you. And, no I didn't get sleepy either. Keep on rockin' and rollin' along and keep sharing your journey with us. (Thank you so much for sharing BTW.) Peace and love to you...

Avatar universal
by msdelight, Feb 16, 2014
Heidi my friend you are becoming so healthy in mind, body and spirit. I'm so proud of you.  It is so great that you got to cuddle with the girls.  They love their mama and ALWAYS will. Nobody can take that away! Frame those Valentines and hang them all over the house.  That is your strength and you motivation. Stay strong my bird. When God closes a door He always opens a window somewhere! Beauty is coming.  Love you sweet one, MsD

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by ThePhoenix75, Feb 16, 2014
Hello fabulous Ms. D,
thank you for your strength, you have an abundance of it and I gain it from you.  You are right, I will always have my children, with them 24/7 or not, we will always be in each other's hearts.  One of the few things I brought with me when I moved out was some mother's day letter's from my children.  Those are my motivation, my source of inspiration.  I like your bird analogy.  My wings are mending right now but some day they will fly again.
love you my friend,

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by atthebeach, Feb 16, 2014
Look at you stepping out girlfriend, you are doing awesome. You have come so far in 3 months.
You sound so great tonight. You have a new found appreciation for what you have that is right in
Your life, not what is wrong. You are looking at the blessings and they are always
There. We just need to find them.

Getting out and about is what is needed to help end the isolation and the funk.
That is great you are being so proactive and looking for And finding
Things to do. I had just sent that info to meeg not that long ago about
Meet up. Maybe now she will follow your lead.

It's ok you called and wanted to see your children, perfectly understandable.
Before you call him you should pray that you can keep your emotions and words
Gentle because a gentle word turns away wrath.
I know how your emotions are so raw now because of me and yes the detox is making
It worse. Of course you love him despite the hurt he has caused you.
You have a history Heidi and that cant be easily forgotten.

Holding them on your lap, Cuddling, snuggling with your daughters corny??
No priceless.....
Those are cherished moments my friend, take it from me they grow
Way too fast. So take all the cuddling and snuggling you can get.
Then they get too busy with their friends.

I have so many of my children's letters, notes, homemade gifts
They are cherished. As they grow older  They even like looking
At them from time to time. We get to reminisce together.

I hope and pray you get some sleep tonight,
Prayers for healing and  peace,

1235186 tn?1549257619
by atthebeach, Feb 16, 2014
@now because of me and yes

Avatar universal
by msdelight, Feb 16, 2014
It the Phoenix that's why I call you bird. And you will not only fly out of the ashes, you will SOAR!  Believe it, and it will be! I totally see it happening!

6815927 tn?1395511425
by ThePhoenix75, Feb 17, 2014
thank you Debbie.  Yes, you are right.  Getting out and restarting my life is what is necessary.  Rebuilding my support system is my #1 priority.  I have worked spent a lot of time in pain floundering in grief.  It was necesssary at the time, but now it is time to move ahead.  Yes, Meetup has been amazing. i never knew how to make friends at my age, it is amazing how it works.  I feel truly lucky to have found it as it has given me a way to get out and meet new people.  People that are in similar situations, that is how I found that support group too.

I know I will have up days and down days.  I am grateful today was an up day.  I am jumping this week or next week so please be looking out for me.  I have court on the first week of march and want nothing more than to be able to tell the judge that I am completely off of all pain medications.  I pray I can do this.  I will need God on my side for that one.

it is 1:45 and I am going to attempt sleep.

thank you for always being there for me.  much love, Heidi

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by meegWpaw, Feb 17, 2014
my dear Heidi,

I just reread your journal, several parts of it made me cry.  Especially the part about your children and your feelings for your hub.  in fact I am crying now.

ty for sending me the meetup stuff.  I think I am a member but I never go.  it is me, I need to do it, I just haven't.  maybe you will be my inspiration.

I hope you are feeling ok now.  you have so much to be proud of.  you are doing so well, you have your children and the wonderful relationship ensuing, and your making new friends already!!!!  and you are beautiful!!!

several of the things you have said to me today, and since we've been friends, have been so kind and moving that they have actually changed my mood!!!!!  as well as made me smile, laugh and exclaim out loud.

so glad we are friends,

keep on keepin on

I love you Heidi!


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by ThePhoenix75, Feb 17, 2014
I love you too Meegy!
I am glad I could help you. You sure help me.
I want to make you cookies but I think by the time they got to LA they would be kind a yucky though.
Much love, Heidi

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