sunday

I just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone to reaching our for your support.  I really can't thank you enough.  This site and many of it's members have been invaluable to me in my recovery and mental health.

I am doing a little bit better today.  I did end up going out last night (yay!).  I had met a woman going through a divorce last month at a bar that I went to see a band one night.  I have joined "Meetup" online and have met a few nice people through there.  (Living in a small town of 5,000 people is a fishbowl, every body knows my husband, myself, and now all of our dirty laundry.  I have been making a concerted effort to get away from my small town and meet people that don't know either of us.)  Anyway, this girl that I met I ended up texting a bit and we met out for dinner last night.  The weather was awful!!  I didn't realize how bad it was until I got on the highway and saw 3 cars spun out on the road.  As many of you may know, I am terrified of driving, especially in the snow, but I was determined to go out last night and get out of my funk.  I finally made it out and we met up at a nice restaurant for dinner (I am broke but was splurging--but we were there so early we ended up eating the "bar bites", $3 dollar fried mozzerella app, $4 dollar gorgonzola, carmelized onion and pine nut flat bread, and $5 truffles for dessert?  can you believe it?  An this an upscale restaurant with entree's typically $20-30 a plate.  I've got to get out more and take advantage of those deals...

anyway, the weather was so terrible she had points for the Hilton Garden Inn across the street and she suggested just getting a room and hanging out.  (I felt bad and declined at first because I knew I couldn't kick in to split the room, but she was adament that she just had her divorce settlement this week, got a big chunk of change, and didn't mind using the points.)  We bought a bunch of munchies (chocolate of course), went back to the hotel and hung out talking until 4:30 this morning about our divorces and getting back into dating and the real world.  It was something I haven't done in a long time and it was nice to vent.  When I got up this morning the roads were finally clear and (although tired!) I was able to drive home safely.

My ex brought my girls over today and it was wonderful that I was able to see them.  I miss them terribly, and it is always bittersweet but I will take spending time with them every chance I get.  My middle one was at a sleepover last night and exhausted so after we ate lunch the three of us snuggled in bed together and cuddled.  We took turns scratching eachothers backs and it was so cute.  My little one (5) knows I love having my back scratched and hair brushed and she was trying to do both at the same time--It was so sweet!  Sounds corny but what I miss most about them is not being able to hug, cuddle, and kiss them every time I want; I feel empty when they are not around.  When I see them, I can't get enough, I am constantly pulling my 5 year old (who is tiny, about 35 lbs.) onto my lap and picking her up; I know she thinks I've gone overboard but holding them right now and having that physical contact is so important to me. I had bought them Valentines day cards, mylar balloons from the dollar store, and Barbies that I got from the grocery store last night marked down to $5 after valentines day--they were so appreciative, you would have thought I gave them an iphone.  It is nice to make them happy for so little.  My middle one made and brought me a painting of a heart with both of our names on it; I feel like framing it professionally and putting it in the living room above the sofa.  A few years ago I would have appreciated something like that, but now it means more than it's weight in gold to me.  You don't realize how much you appreciate something until you lose it, then it becomes much much more treasured.   I know I quote Buddhism a lot, but there is a lot of wisdom in their teachings.  One of my favorite is along the lines of you must embrace the dark to appreciate the light.  There is so much truth to that belief.  I would never wish what I am going through upon anyone, but i will say in some repects it has changed my life and opened my eyes in ways that I never would have needed to previously.  I don't know if the lesson learned is worth the pain experienced, but I can't change things, only learn from them.  (Trust me, I talk a great game and can quote all the wisdom in the world but in practicality, I have a hard time applying it to real life though.)

I know I wasn't going to face my ex and forgo seeing my kids to regroup and recover emotionally, but I caved.  I texted him last night and asked to have the kids today.  I did not want to see him today, everytime I do I end up frustrated and unhappy.  (No, unfortunately we don't have a mediator to coordinate visits between us, we have no mutual friend/family that we would involved and are trying not to get a professional involved for that purpose.  We are trying to hold ourselves in check around the kids and keep things to appear as stable as possible for their sake.)  It does make things extremely painful to deal with at this point though.  Fortunately, we were able to keep things smooth today between the two of us.  My real issue though is that as frustrated and angry I am at him, I still love him in many ways.  He has been my support system for 16 years and to be suddenly cut off from that support is like suddenly losing your arm.  Seeing him is excrucuating, I can't explain my emotions but it is along the range of frustration, resentment, anger, and raw unrequitted love.  I am more stable when I can avoid him, but that is just not possible right now.  I am working towards letting go of those feelings, but I am human and it is easier said than done.

I wish terribly I was from CT and had strong roots here and family.  My father was in the navy, and I grew up living all over the US, from South Carolina, Alabama, Rhode Island, San Francisco, (at some point Kansas when he retired), back to California and then to CT when i was in my 20's and wasn't ready to live my life on my own with no family near by.  I love my parents deeply but sadly do harbor some resentment towards them for moving me around so much.  I don't think they realized how traumatizing that is for a child to go through, to always be a new kid/person everywhere.  They seem to think it was a great experience for me to live all over and meet new people but I see things differently.  I have never lived anywhere long enough to develop life-long friendships and grow roots.  As an adult, I desperately need those life-long childhood friendships that i was never able to develop.  As a result of my past, I have sworn to myself that I will never do that to my children.  I will give them stability in terms never making them move to a new state and start their lives over.  I never want them to have to be the "new kid" every few years.  I want them to have the opportunity to cultivate friendships and keep them throughout the years.

I am somewhat social and can make new friends, but it isn't the same as someone that knows you their entire life.  Speaking of making new friends, I was going to go to another "meetup" event tonight, there is a comedy club in new haven, about an hour away, that had comics from NYC there tonigt for a $5 cover.  It sounded like fun but I am honestly exhuasted from staying up all night (and happily playing with my kids today.)  I am going to bag out on tonights plans but I don't feel guilty because I at least made it out one night this weekend.  "Meetup" (like medhelp) had been a godsend.  I learned about it from a depression therapy group this year and had never heard of it--I am so glad I did now.  People organize events to do everything from movies, bands, hiking, yoga, dancing, wine/chocolate tasting, restaurants, comedy shows, bowling/brunch, therapy groups, book clubs.  It is really amazing, you can just go onto the site, pick something that looks good, rsvp and voila!  instant entertainment and new friends to do it with.

Anyway, if you have read this far you are probably sleeping by now.  I really do find it is helpful to journal my thoughts.  It helps clear my mind and putting things on "paper" seems to take it off my mental plate and deal better with my struggles.  I really do love all of you at Medhelp, thank you for always being there.  You are angels.

love you,
Heidi