girlfriend!?!

I want to scream right now.  I want to cry right now.  I want to sob on someone shoulders right now and never let go.  I want to go a kill a punching bag until the stuffing is all laying around on the ground...then I would really do a number on it.  Sunday was a better day, today, not at all.

I spent all last night making these effing cookies.  I love to bake, really love to bake. And I'm good at it.  it has always been something I do for fun and to make other people happy (along with myself)  I have send treats into every single kids party for as long as I can remember.  (Cooking dinner?  not so good.)

I needed to make 12 dozen cookies for 3 kids wanting 3 different kinds.  Their Vday party was snowed out last week and resched for tomorrow.  Last night I was going to get it done.  I got all the dough made was was in the refrid. then as I was cleaning up I noted the measuring cup I was using as a 1 cup measure said 2/3rd s cup?  What the?  I asked my ex to bring the the nice stainless steal measuring I got from our wedding, instead he brought me these cheap azz ones I bought at the dollar for measuring our dog food.  it was all I had last night so (after running through the dishwasher I used them.)  Apparently the 1 cup measure is still in the dog food container!  I cried then.  Then I went the the all night store 30 miles away and bought more ingredients.  I made more dough last night and at 2:30 am I decided I was too spent to keep going and stuck it in the fridge.

this morning i went to bake my cookies.  Burned the first batch, burned the second back.  undercooked the next batch.  Over and over, apparently this oven in my apartment is pretty cheap and has no heat control.  I burned over 1/2 of the second 12 dozen cookies I made.  I went back to the store after i cleared out the the snow to get more ingredients.  Finally, after trial and error, I was able to produce about 6 dozen decent ones. I packaged up all pretty in individual bags with stickers and curling ribbons and got al ready to drop off at my ex's house.  When I called him, he said don't come over, I am trying to get the kids in bed, they haven't had school in 6 days and it's too late.  Fine I said, I'll just drop off on the front porch.  His text back, "no, I have someone coming over to watch a movie with me."  WHAT?  I texted back, who is coming over to watch a movie with you?  the answer "none of your damn business".  Ok, so I pretty much know what that means.  I know he is seeing other people.  I know he slept with another woman the day he served me with divorce papers.  (I also know that I blame myself for our divorce and I still love him and hate myself.)  My issue with this is that he is bringing his girlfriend over to watch a movie while my kids are in the house?!?

when you go through a divorce, both parents have to attend a parenting class.  One of the first "laws" is that you NEVER introduce your kids to anyone you are dating or having a potential relationship with until the divorce is final and the emotional situation is stable.  ever, ever, EVER.  Our divorce is nowhere near final and our situation is far from allowing emotional stability for our children.  This girlfriend of his is an old friend from the town he grew up in.  I know her, I went to her 40th birthday party, she went to my ex's 40th party at my house.  Her ex had an affair on her and she left him, no questions asked.  yet, she is sleeping with my still husband (likely in my bed I received for my 30th birthday and he isn't giving me).  Also for the record, he made jokes that her husband left he because of how she looked and that  she was going to have trouble finding a man because she was so "unatractive" (and that is not the word he used.)  I dont' know if I am naive or old-fashioned, but I would never get involved with a man that just filed for divorce especially if I knew his wife.  I would think after she was on the other side of things, she would be more sensitive.  I know that technically when you file for divorce that the marriage is over.  I get that.  But I do think people should have respect and etiquette.

This respect and etiquette comes down to her coming over to my former home when my kids are there.  Ex tells me that he introduced her to the kids as his 'friend" and that there are no displays of affection.  I don't care, my kids are very smart.  He seems to think that because she is a former friend that that makes this ok, exempts him from following the rules because she's not just someone he started dating from online or met in a bar.  I think no matter where you met, the same rules apply, you don't bring someone from a relationship around the kids.  My kids had never met her before, it doesn't matter to them if he knew her from his youth.  My husband has never had a female friend come over the the house alone before, this is unprecendented.  My kids are very intuitive, and even if they weren't, it's pretty easy to put 2 and 2 together and figure out that daddy has a girlfriend.

He says they don't get intimate when the kids are around.  I can be they are getting intimate on the sofa downstairs when they are sleeping though.  I am really concerned that the kids are going to wake up and come downstairs to find them messing around.  Ugh, just he thought of him with another women, on my sofa, in my bed, with my kids in the house makes me way to cry and get sick at the same time.

I emailed my attorney.  She told me regardless of their previous friendship, this is not apppriate.  She told me tactfully  write it out and send an email to guardian ad litem appointed by the court for the children.  I know he will BS the guardian and make me out to sound like the crazy person that is making a big deal out of nothing, that they are "just friends"  (despite what he admitted to me) and since I am lonely and depressed I am trying to do whatever I can to pathetically draw the attention away from me and my issues.  I can hear it right now.  I only hope the guardian can see through his BS. That would be the only positive of this situation, if the guardian can read through him and help the guardian to see what kind of manipulation  I am trying to steer my way around.

I just cant' stop crying right now and I am having one of those"it's not fair" moments.  it's not fair, but I know that life is not fair.  I know that, I really do.  But is still isn't fair.  I try so hard to be positive and make my way though but I just feel like I can't keep going through this anymore.  I don't know why I have everything wrong with me, why I am so sick, why everyone in my family is so healthy and I someone got the genes from the bottom of the proverbial barrell.  My brother runs Ironmans, I can't run up a flight of stairs.  i look so healthy, it is something I fight everyday.  people always think I am making it up or I can't possibly be as sick as I make myself out to be.  I  wouldn't wish a visible illness (or any illness) on anyone, but at least when it is visible people empathize and try to help out.  when you look healthy, people question you and believe it must a psychological and think you want attention.

I'm sorry, I need to stop the poor little old me complaining.  I'm really usually not like this.  I vent it all on you folks because I don't know who else to vent it to.  i was going to go to a support group tonight but ended up cancelling because I thought finishing the cookies and bringing them over to see the kids for even a minute would be better support than group therapy for me right now.  I was wrong.  I should have just forgotten the cookies and gone.

You know what hurts the most?  You know what I have the most regrets over?  I still love him.  I'm sorry, I do, I still love him.  if he were willing to say I accept your apology and I will take you back, I would do it in a heartbeat.  I know that I ruined our marriage.  I know that I am at fault  It hurts me so much.   I wish I could blame him, but I can't.  I blame myself 100%  I wish I could blame him, but the bottom line is I blame me.  I don't hate hime at all, I hate myself.  He says I am in denial, but I don't know how much more accepting of blame I could be?  I have told him this over and over.  I do blame him for how he is treating me now, but he says it is in reponse to how I treated him.  Maybe he is right.  he tells me over and over again that my kids don't need me, that everyone would be better off if I just went away.   I tell myself that it can't be true. I hope to God that isn't true.  My kids need a mom.  He said he do it all on his own., and it is better that way.  I still think they need a mom.  I hope they need a mom.  He said I can be replaced by a better mom.  I don't want to be replaced.

this is why on last week I said I needed a break from him.  that I need to stop interacting with him because it hurts so so so much.  It hurts my bones.  I thought Rheumatoid arthritis hurt, but it is nothing compared to how much I hurt right now.  The only way I can see my kids is though him  I don't know what the answer is.  Maybe I should take a break and do everything I can right now to avoid him (and unfortunately my kids) until I am better emotionally.  I just feel like I have lost so much with my kids so far, I don't want to lose more.  But I don't want to lose me right now, and that is the direction I am heading.  I need some self-esteem.  I have none anymore, I used to.  In the past I had a little bit.  Now I have none and I scramble and flounder everywhere making poor decisions and loving a man that hates me.   I even know he hates me, I just blame myself so much that I can't hate him, or blame him or hold anything against him; I just want him to love me back.

I am so sorry MH.  I am sorry you had to read this.  I am sorry for ruining your night and subjecting you to my issues.  I will try to be better tomorrow.  I just can't be better right now.  I was planning on jumping on Thursday.  I only have few boxes of patches left and now is the time.  I am scared everyone.  I am so scared of jumping,  i am scared of my emotions, I am scared of my future, I am scared of falling.

I want to be happy.   I want to be loved.  I want to love myself.